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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri May 16th, 2008 12:59 pm |
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Taxes . . .
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll ned to ask you a few questions. 'He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, 'What's your occupation?'
'I'm a Lady of the night,' she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, 'Let's try to rephrase that.'
The woman says, 'OK, I'm a high-end call girl'.
'No, that still won't work. Try again.'
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, 'I'm an elite chicken farmer.'
The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?'
'Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year!'
'Chicken Farmer it is.'
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu May 15th, 2008 04:59 pm |
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New Treatment For Sunburn -
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun May 11th, 2008 05:00 pm |
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"Women Golfers"
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?
He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1346 |
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Posted: Wed May 7th, 2008 04:30 pm |
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Breaking News Story:
[size=
Minnesota's worst air disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian cemetery early this morning. ]
Ole and Sven, working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat May 3rd, 2008 02:16 pm |
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"So this guy walks into a sex shop..."
and asks the clerk for a sex doll....
Clerk: Male or female?
Guy: Female!
Clerk: White or black?
Guy: White!
Clerk: Christian or Muslim?
Guy: What the hell difference does religion make in this decision?
Clerk: Well, the Muslim model will blow itself up!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri May 2nd, 2008 07:38 pm |
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"This is my kind of document............."
New Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______a Martini ______a Margarita ____ __ a Scotch and soda ______a Bloody Mary ______a Gin and Tonic _______a Glass of Chardonnay ______a Steak ______Lobster or crab legs _____The remote control ______a bowl of ice cream ______The sports page _____Chocolate or ______Sex
It should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.
Signature: ___________________________ Date: ___________________________
NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place PLEASE pass it on!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Apr 27th, 2008 05:42 pm |
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"Best come back..........."
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...
Q: "Officer -- did you se e my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
(and I am sure the officer was thinking  )
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Apr 27th, 2008 01:44 pm |
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"Origin of the Species "
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"> >> > The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so> > all mankind was made."> >> > Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father> > answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."> >> > The confused girl returns to her mother and says: "Mom, how is it> > possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and> > Papa says we developed from monkeys?"> >> > The mother answers: "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the> > origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Apr 26th, 2008 03:41 pm |
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"Announcement:"
The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem
from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the
government's political stance.. A condom allows for inflation, halts
production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks,
and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1346 |
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Posted: Fri Apr 25th, 2008 05:09 pm |
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This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Apr 25th, 2008 12:20 pm |
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Got this off another board...
"Environmental impact"
A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud to be American.
CHEERS 
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Apr 24th, 2008 12:21 am |
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LOL...Don't ya love that mindless chit chat...
"Her & His Diary"
HER DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.'
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep – I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
Harley wouldn't start today..... but at least I got laid. 
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1346 |
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Posted: Wed Apr 23rd, 2008 11:45 am |
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Two farmers, one from North Dakota and one from South Dakota, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the dean says. Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer."
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1346 |
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Posted: Tue Apr 22nd, 2008 11:12 pm |
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George W. Bush, Vladimir Putin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in three days.
They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses, and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not"changing his mind. So, . .
W. went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there is a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Putin went back and told his staff, "I have bad news and more bad news. The first was . . . there is a God. The second was that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First . . . God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Second . . . you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows Vista."
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Apr 21st, 2008 11:50 am |
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Dave wrote: A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
'Actually, yes, I do.'
'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No. I rather like it.'
'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'There's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'
The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'
'Of course,' the doctor replied.
'Where Do you think liberals come from.' LOL!!!
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Apr 21st, 2008 11:41 am |
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A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
'Actually, yes, I do.'
'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No. I rather like it.'
'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'There's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'
The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'
'Of course,' the doctor replied.
'Where Do you think liberals come from.'
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Apr 18th, 2008 08:23 pm |
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This is funny...
The Hillbilly Vasectomy
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that
was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that
he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was
expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to
go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama)
light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear
and count to 10.
The hillbilly said, "Doc, I may not be the smartest tool in the
shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, I'm a doctor," was the reply.
So the hillbilly went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it into a
beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
(you'll love this...)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs
and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Arkansas, Tennesee, Kentucky,
Louisiana, North Carolina, Mississippi, Georgia, Missouri,
South Carolina, Texas and West Virginia.
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Apr 18th, 2008 04:39 pm |
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marc wrote:
Got this off another board...LOL...
"Free tickets!!!"
I have 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel event at the Stadium this weekend if anybody wants them.
He's going to try to jump 500 Politicians with a bulldozer.
Should be a good time!
LMAO!!!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Apr 18th, 2008 04:31 pm |
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Got this off another board...LOL...
"Free tickets!!!"
I have 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel event at the Stadium this weekend if anybody wants them.
He's going to try to jump 500 Politicians with a bulldozer.
Should be a good time!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Apr 13th, 2008 06:10 pm |
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Got this off another board...
"Bitch or Funny, or maybe sad?"
In order to continue getting-by in America we all need to learn the NEW English language!
Read the following conversation and you will be able to understand this new a addition "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".
With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in, so stick with it. Here goes..........
The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old USA today...
Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh...Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: "...What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?!... pryed, boyud, poochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry... scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahm toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. July Sahm toes?"
Guest: "I... don't think so."
Room Service: "No? Judo wan sahm toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahm toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin wi bodder?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
Room Service: "Wi bodder?"
Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
Room Service: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."
Room Service: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
Room Service: "Copy...tea..meek?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I said, "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' "...and you do don't you! 
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