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 Posted: Sun May 10th, 2015 12:31 pm
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marc
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It's all in the mechanics of the conversation:

The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad there is something that my
boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Her Dad replied, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."

Last edited on Sun May 10th, 2015 12:31 pm by marc

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 Posted: Fri Apr 17th, 2015 01:14 am
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jeffy ole boy
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marc wrote:
There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I trust this clears up any confusion.


Yep, but either way its HIGHLY RISKY business for sure of getting hit either in the gut or in the balls! ;)

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 Posted: Fri Apr 17th, 2015 12:15 am
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marc
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There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I trust this clears up any confusion.

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 Posted: Mon Apr 13th, 2015 12:22 pm
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Dave
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marc wrote:
Twelve Scottish Catholic priests were about to be ordained. The final
test was for them to line up in a straight row, all proudly wearing their kilts, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Joseph. Poor Joseph. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and came to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Joseph quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up...and all the other bells started to ring.
LMAO!

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 Posted: Mon Apr 13th, 2015 12:22 pm
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Dave
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marc wrote:
Twelve Scottish Catholic priests were about to be ordained. The final
test was for them to line up in a straight row, all proudly wearing their kilts, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Joseph. Poor Joseph. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and came to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Joseph quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up...and all the other bells started to ring.
LMAO!

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 Posted: Sun Apr 12th, 2015 01:57 pm
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marc
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Twelve Scottish Catholic priests were about to be ordained. The final
test was for them to line up in a straight row, all proudly wearing their kilts, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Joseph. Poor Joseph. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and came to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Joseph quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up...and all the other bells started to ring.

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 Posted: Fri Mar 27th, 2015 12:16 am
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jeffy ole boy
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That's bad!! But it funny! LMAO!!!

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 Posted: Fri Mar 27th, 2015 12:10 am
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marc
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Little Johnnie’s neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie’s family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said,’What a beautiful baby.’The mother said, ‘Why,Thank you, Johnnie. Johnnie said, ‘He has beautiful little feet,beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?

‘Yes’, the mother replied, ‘we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision.’

‘That’s great’, said Little Johnnie,’coz he’d really be fucked if he needed glasses.

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 Posted: Tue Mar 17th, 2015 10:36 am
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GOC
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LOL

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 Posted: Mon Mar 16th, 2015 10:45 pm
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marc
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Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it
and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really messed up now.”;

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 Posted: Thu Mar 5th, 2015 12:32 pm
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Dave
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If 50 Shades Of Grey Was Written By A Man...

1. At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I’d seen.

2. Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke. So I went for a smoke.

3. ‘How do you feel about using toys in the bedroom?’ she asked. ‘Fine,’ I said, ‘But I can’t see how we’re going to fit a Scalextric in here.’

4. Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave flow through it. I probably should’ve told her about the new electric fence.

5. As I lay there on the floor, my naked body covered in treacle and whipped cream, I heard those inevitable words . . . ‘Clean up on aisle 3.’

6. ‘Are you ready to be tortured in a way only a woman can torture a man?’ she asked. I nodded nervously. ‘OK’ she said and ate half my chips.

7. Frantically I tore off her dress, bra and knickers. My heart was racing but I just managed to close the wardrobe door before she got home.

8. ‘Hurt me!’ she begged, leaning over the dining table expectantly. ‘OK,’ I replied, ‘Your turkey’s too dry and your sprouts are overcooked.’

9. She leant over the kitchen table. ‘Smack that bottom,’ she squealed, ‘Smack it hard!’ ‘I am,’ I said, ‘But the ketchup just won’t come out.’

10. She wanted to try phone sex so I pretended to be an IT support guy. It turned her on. Then it turned her off. Then it turned her on again.

11. They asked me to smear their naked bodies with the produce from my herb garden but I just couldn’t do it. Too many women, not enough thyme.

12. "I’m your slave," she said breathlessly, ‘Make me feel completely helpless and worthless.’ So I locked her in the shed and went to the pub.

13. Her body trembled and shook.’I can’t wait any longer, do it now!’ she cried. ‘OK,’ I said and got the winter duvet from the airing cupboard.

14. ‘Harder!’ she cried, gripping the workbench even tighter, ‘Harder!’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?’

15. ‘Hurt me!’ she cried, pressing her body up against the shed wall. ‘Alright,’ I said. ‘You’re a terrible cook and I fancy your sister.’

16. ‘Stick it right up there,’ she said, ‘I want to remember this!’ I did, then I patted it firmly. You can’t be too careful with Post-it notes.

17. My tongue flicked in and out, in and out, faster and faster until she was completely helpless. No woman can resist a good lizard impression.

18. ‘I’m a bad girl,’ she whispered, ‘Punish me in a way only a real man can!’ ‘Alright,’ I said and left my wet towels on the bathroom floor.

19. ‘I want it now against this wall!’ she ordered, ‘And keep it up as long as possible.’ ‘Don’t worry,’ I said, ‘I know how to put up a shelf.’

20. As we sat in the dark restaurant, she stroked my thigh and said ‘I want to see your hardness.’ ‘Alright,’ I replied, and punched the waiter.

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 Posted: Tue Mar 3rd, 2015 12:04 am
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marc
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Good one...

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 Posted: Mon Mar 2nd, 2015 10:56 pm
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jeffy ole boy
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Perfect! LOL!!!

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 Posted: Mon Mar 2nd, 2015 12:47 pm
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Dave
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A Canadian farmer, an Islamic terrorist and a Navy Chief walk out of a restaurant one morning just as a scrap truck drives by. A lamp falls off the truck and lands at their feet, out pops a genie. The genie says "I can only grant three wishes. So I will give you each one wish."

The Canadian farmer said "I am a farmer, my son will be a farmer. So make my land fertile forever." With a blink the genie said "It is done."

Then the terrorist jumps in and says "I want a wall around all the Muslim countries to keep all infidels, Christians, Americans, Canadians and all that do not praise the Muslim way out." With a blink the genie says "It is done."

The navy chief says "Before I make my wish tell me more about this wall."

The genie says "It is 10,000 feet tall, 1000 feet thick, no way in, no way out and impenetrable."

The chief sits back on his Harley takes a drink of his coffee, lights a cigar, laughs and says "Fill it with water."

Go Navy Chiefs

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 Posted: Thu Feb 26th, 2015 12:10 am
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jeffy ole boy
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marc wrote:
SPELLING LESSON

The last four letters in American .......... I Can
The last four letters in Republican ....... I Can
The last four letters in Democrats ....... Rats

End of lessons!


May not be shear coensidence... LOL!

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 Posted: Sat Feb 21st, 2015 12:35 am
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marc
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SPELLING LESSON

The last four letters in American .......... I Can
The last four letters in Republican ....... I Can
The last four letters in Democrats ....... Rats

End of lessons!

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 Posted: Sat Feb 21st, 2015 12:31 am
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marc
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A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!” The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

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 Posted: Sat Feb 7th, 2015 12:13 am
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marc
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So I asked my Doctor, "Doctor, what are we going to do about this dangerous virus from Africa ?"

He said, "I don't know, he has two more years in office.”

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 Posted: Sat Jan 17th, 2015 03:05 pm
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jeffy ole boy
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Hhahhaaa!! The moral there is never go by looks alone.

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 Posted: Sat Jan 17th, 2015 01:55 pm
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marc
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A biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had.

That's a real talent you are wasting.

You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."

Last edited on Sat Jan 17th, 2015 01:56 pm by marc

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