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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Nov 7th, 2007 11:57 pm |
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A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength born of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, into the tool shed in the back yard, and put his tally whacker in a vice.
She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband was terrified, and screamed, Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, 'Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to.'
A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat
upset" You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this
to me--a faithful wife, the mother of your children. I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began, "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your
anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that
you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots
you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because
someone at work has a pair" The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
Last edited on Thu Nov 8th, 2007 12:01 am by marc |
marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Nov 7th, 2007 12:05 pm |
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Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Nov 5th, 2007 08:31 pm |
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> The Naked Cowboy
>
> The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the
> walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
> As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
>
> The Cowboy says:
>
> "Well it's like this Sheriff I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head
> asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
>
> We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt so I did.
> Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did.
>
> Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did.
>
>Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... ",
> and here I am."
>
> Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist!!!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Nov 5th, 2007 07:58 pm |
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A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the
French captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the general asked:
"Why do you English officers all wear red coats?
Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown pants.
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Nov 2nd, 2007 05:08 pm |
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| GOOD ONE!! LOL......
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Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 800 |
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Posted: Fri Nov 2nd, 2007 04:32 pm |
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True Cajun For Ya!!
Boudreaux the Mortician
Hard to beat a cajun for ingenuity!
A man who just died is delivered to a Louisiana mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Boudreaux the mortician asks
the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he
is already wearing. The widow however, says that she always
thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him
in a blue suit. She gives Boudreaux a blank check and says, "I don't
care what it costs, just have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the viewing.
To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit
with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to
Boudreaux, "Whatever the suit cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an
excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, Boudreaux presents her with the blank check.
"Dere's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," Boudreaux says, "it didn't cost me a ting. You
see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was
brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an
attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his
Grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no
difference as long as he looked nice."
"So, I just switched the heads.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Nov 1st, 2007 12:20 pm |
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These comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Ca n you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
And the best one of all..
12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
Flu season is coming ya know. Doc's say to get plenty of exercise, eat lots of FRUIT and VEGGIES, keep a clean environment for FRESH AIR, take steps to cut down STRESS, and get plenty of REST.
Also, when you get a flu shot the FIRST thing the nurse does is swab the area with ALCOHOL. So, here's what I'm doing:
I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
Last edited on Thu Nov 1st, 2007 02:21 pm by marc |
Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Oct 31st, 2007 01:22 pm |
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A little boy and a little girl, both about six years old, were playing in the sandbox.
Unexpectedly, the little boy farts, causing a little sand between his legs to shift.
The little girl notices, and squeals with laughter.
"How'd you do that?" she asks.
"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."
"Can I try it," she asks?
"Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."
She concentrates as she strains and grunts. Suddenly, there's a huge explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out, and the little boy is thrown 20 feet, landing up against a tree.
He groggily gets to his feet, runs back to where the little girl is.
He finds her laying on the ground, out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle.
Curiously, he lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims,
"Just what I thought, dual exhaust!"
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Oct 31st, 2007 10:30 am |
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Two elderly friends, Larry and Kevin, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Larry didn't show up. Kevin didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Kevin really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Kevin didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Kevin figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Kevin approached the park and -- lo and behold!--there sat Larry! Kevin was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?"
Larry replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Kevin. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Larry said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Kevin, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty."
The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Oct 31st, 2007 09:50 am |
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Dear Madam:
Thank you for your recent order from our sex toys website.
You've requested the large red vibrator as featured on our wall display.
Please select another item. That's our fire extinguisher
Thank You.
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Oct 30th, 2007 09:19 pm |
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Marine Corps Rules
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a ".4"
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always win. There is no unfair fight.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
Navy SEAL's Rules
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
US Army Rules
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; they can/will get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.
US Army Rangers Rules
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
US Army Recon Rules
1. Slip silently into area of operations.
2. Kill anything that moves or breathes.
3. Sneak out of area of operations.
4. Haul ass to the LZ for the pickup.
5. Call in heavy artillery and an air strike to cover up infiltration activity.
6. Destroy all maps and reference materials.
7. Play dumb when you return to firebase.
US Air Force Rules
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.
US Navy Rules
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Oct 27th, 2007 12:00 am |
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Kentucky GHOST STORY ......TRUE
This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the mountains of Kentucky, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.
A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a really dark night in the middle of a thunder storm.
Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.
Wanting a ride really bad, the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.
The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the marsh and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.
Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.
Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and was not just some drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other:"LookBubba,there's that idiot who rode in our car when we were pushing it in the rain."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 11:58 am |
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Summer of '57
>>
>> It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
>> Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
>>
>> When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites
>> him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she
>> says. That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning
>> to do.
>>
>> Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop
>> or to a drive-in movie.
>>
>> Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear
>> all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a
>> surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"
>>
>> "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to
>> screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
>>
>> Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has
>> revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes
>> downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
>>
>> Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the
>> front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small
>> wink for Harold.
>>
>> About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back
>> into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
>>
>> "Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Oct 25th, 2007 04:14 pm |
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"Little Johnny strikes again"
One day little johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out.
He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"
Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when its YOUR mom is it?!"
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1346 |
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Posted: Wed Oct 24th, 2007 08:21 pm |
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A married couple go to a marriage counselor to work out some problems.The counselor sits them on the couch and says "For starters, lets talk about something you both have in common."
The husband says "Well, neither of us suck dick".
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 01:19 pm |
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Bed sheets
>
>
>
> An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last
> of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
>
>
>
> Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest
> episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea
> and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
>
>
>
> In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
> sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
>
>
>
> A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
> started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
> unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at
> his feet.
>
>
>
> As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets,
> a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had
> watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on
> here?"
>
>
>
> The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of
> a ghost."
>
>
>
> Happy Halloween
>
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1346 |
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 11:04 am |
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A man and woman are sitting next to each other at a bar. After a few drinks, the man turns to the woman and asks why she looks so down.
“My husband just left me,” she says. “He thinks I’m too kinky in bed.”
“What a coincidence! My wife just left me,” the man replies. “She said I was too kinky for her!”
Ten minutes later, back at her place, the woman says, “Let me slip into something more comfortable,” and she goes into the bathroom to change into a leather dominatrix outfit. But when she returns, the man is walking out the door.
“Where are you going?” she asks. “Didn’t you want to have kinky sex?”
“Well,” he says. “I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse. I’m done!”
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1346 |
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Posted: Thu Oct 18th, 2007 07:16 pm |
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Dave wrote: Guess I'm a redneck... Yup, and that hide's got too many holes in it now anyway
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Oct 18th, 2007 05:57 pm |
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| Guess I'm a redneck...
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Oct 18th, 2007 05:20 pm |
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Thursday, October 18, 2007 11:18 AM
Subject: Fw: Today's Quiz
Subject: Fw: Today's Quiz
Subject: Today's Quiz
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Redneck?
Here is a little test that will help you decide...
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams
obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 911? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.. (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?'
Wife: 'You ain't takin' that to the Taxidermist!'
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