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| Author | Post |
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1465 |
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Posted: Mon Nov 19th, 2007 11:30 am |
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I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Help
Hotline. I was put through to a 'call center' in Pakistan. I explained
that I was feeling suicidal. They were very excited at this news and
wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane....
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Nov 19th, 2007 10:41 am |
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My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.
Then she told me to take off her skirt.
Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.
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Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 840 |
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Posted: Sun Nov 18th, 2007 11:22 pm |
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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. As promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best , but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. As promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50 pound program, "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.
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weasle
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Nov 18th, 2007 10:17 pm |
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| well i know the first one is true , first day of rabbit and pheasant season when i was in high school everyone put their shotgun in their locker so we could go right after school let out . nobody thought anything about it!!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Nov 18th, 2007 05:21 pm |
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"SCHOOL - 1957 vs. 2007"
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into
school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes
to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to
jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized
students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and
end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.
Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other
students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the
Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie.
Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a
disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad
gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to
college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to
foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she
remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's
mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking
dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug
violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to
college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles
appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for
graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given
diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of
July, puts them in a model airplan e paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with
domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home,
computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never
allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes
his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her
job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Nov 16th, 2007 03:06 pm |
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Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer.'
< /B>
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large 'kegs'. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. Aft er several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship.'
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage.' Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the wo men administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.
For a video to see how beer works click here:
[url=mhtml:{8E5FCC2B-910C-495A-8B4E-665CC7145C1C}mid://00000018/!x-usc:]http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf]Beer Demo[/url]
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Nov 16th, 2007 01:36 am |
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The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that out building that you won't be able to wheel back.
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got. The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Nov 15th, 2007 07:22 pm |
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THAT THAR WAS FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1465 |
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Posted: Thu Nov 15th, 2007 06:15 pm |
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1st Hillbilly Bubba: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air
conditioner. "
2nd Hillbilly Billy Bob says: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly Bubba says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly Billy Bob says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she
bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly Bubba says: "Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly Billy Bob says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly Goober says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than
both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day
lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies Bubba and Billy Bob say: "Well, what's so dumb
about that?"
3rd Hillbilly Goober says: "She ain't got no pecker!"
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Nov 14th, 2007 09:40 pm |
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Took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We
decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a
teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all
different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at
him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the
matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke
on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style
he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a
peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Nov 14th, 2007 03:12 pm |
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In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who
was now living in the United States, and said,
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh
before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living
thing along with a few good humans ."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6
months to build the Ark before I will start the
unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw
Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared , "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have
changed. I needed a building permit. I've been
arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've
violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building
the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height
limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal
Board fo r a decision..
"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a
bond be posted for the future costs of moving power
lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them
that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear
nothing of it.
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a
ban on cutting local trees in order to save the
spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the
owls - but no go! When I started gathering the
animals, an animal rights group sued me. They
insisted that I was confining wild animals against
their will. They argued the accommodation was too
restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so
many animals in a confined space.
"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark
until they'd conducted an environmental impact study
on your proposed flood. "I'm still trying to re solve
a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how
many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
crew Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status
of most of the people who want to work. The trades
unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have
to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my
assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country
illegally with endangered species.
"So, forgive me, Lord , but it would take at
least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to
shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah
looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not
going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord.
"The government beat me to it."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Nov 11th, 2007 09:02 pm |
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"Black Hurricane"
It appears our African-American friends have found yet something
else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman reportedly
complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.
She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture
such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. She would
also like the weather reports to be broadcast in Language that street
people can understand because one of the problems in New Orleans
is that regular folks couldn't understand the seriousness of the
situation due to the racially biased language of the weather report.
I can hear it now: A weatherman in Houston says...
"Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So grab
yo'chirren, yo' Ho, be leavin yo crib, and head fo' da nearest
guv'ment office fo yo FREE shit
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Nov 9th, 2007 07:47 pm |
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This may be a repeat...Still funny though...
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Nov 8th, 2007 03:11 pm |
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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed
he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said. " I am a Father."
The little boy replied. "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered. "I am the Father of many."
The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!
The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds" and
went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said.
"Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Nov 7th, 2007 11:57 pm |
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A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength born of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, into the tool shed in the back yard, and put his tally whacker in a vice.
She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband was terrified, and screamed, Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, 'Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to.'
A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat
upset" You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this
to me--a faithful wife, the mother of your children. I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began, "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your
anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that
you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots
you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because
someone at work has a pair" The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
Last edited on Thu Nov 8th, 2007 12:01 am by marc |
marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Nov 7th, 2007 12:05 pm |
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Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Nov 5th, 2007 08:31 pm |
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> The Naked Cowboy
>
> The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the
> walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
> As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
>
> The Cowboy says:
>
> "Well it's like this Sheriff I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head
> asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
>
> We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt so I did.
> Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did.
>
> Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did.
>
>Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... ",
> and here I am."
>
> Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist!!!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Nov 5th, 2007 07:58 pm |
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A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the
French captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the general asked:
"Why do you English officers all wear red coats?
Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown pants.
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Nov 2nd, 2007 05:08 pm |
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| GOOD ONE!! LOL......
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Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 840 |
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Posted: Fri Nov 2nd, 2007 04:32 pm |
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True Cajun For Ya!!
Boudreaux the Mortician
Hard to beat a cajun for ingenuity!
A man who just died is delivered to a Louisiana mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Boudreaux the mortician asks
the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he
is already wearing. The widow however, says that she always
thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him
in a blue suit. She gives Boudreaux a blank check and says, "I don't
care what it costs, just have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the viewing.
To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit
with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to
Boudreaux, "Whatever the suit cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an
excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, Boudreaux presents her with the blank check.
"Dere's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," Boudreaux says, "it didn't cost me a ting. You
see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was
brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an
attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his
Grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no
difference as long as he looked nice."
"So, I just switched the heads.
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