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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Nov 1st, 2007 12:20 pm |
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These comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Ca n you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
And the best one of all..
12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
Flu season is coming ya know. Doc's say to get plenty of exercise, eat lots of FRUIT and VEGGIES, keep a clean environment for FRESH AIR, take steps to cut down STRESS, and get plenty of REST.
Also, when you get a flu shot the FIRST thing the nurse does is swab the area with ALCOHOL. So, here's what I'm doing:
I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
Last edited on Thu Nov 1st, 2007 02:21 pm by marc |
Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Oct 31st, 2007 01:22 pm |
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A little boy and a little girl, both about six years old, were playing in the sandbox.
Unexpectedly, the little boy farts, causing a little sand between his legs to shift.
The little girl notices, and squeals with laughter.
"How'd you do that?" she asks.
"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."
"Can I try it," she asks?
"Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."
She concentrates as she strains and grunts. Suddenly, there's a huge explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out, and the little boy is thrown 20 feet, landing up against a tree.
He groggily gets to his feet, runs back to where the little girl is.
He finds her laying on the ground, out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle.
Curiously, he lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims,
"Just what I thought, dual exhaust!"
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Oct 31st, 2007 10:30 am |
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Two elderly friends, Larry and Kevin, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Larry didn't show up. Kevin didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Kevin really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Kevin didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Kevin figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Kevin approached the park and -- lo and behold!--there sat Larry! Kevin was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?"
Larry replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Kevin. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Larry said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Kevin, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty."
The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Oct 31st, 2007 09:50 am |
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Dear Madam:
Thank you for your recent order from our sex toys website.
You've requested the large red vibrator as featured on our wall display.
Please select another item. That's our fire extinguisher
Thank You.
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Oct 30th, 2007 09:19 pm |
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Marine Corps Rules
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a ".4"
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always win. There is no unfair fight.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
Navy SEAL's Rules
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
US Army Rules
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; they can/will get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.
US Army Rangers Rules
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
US Army Recon Rules
1. Slip silently into area of operations.
2. Kill anything that moves or breathes.
3. Sneak out of area of operations.
4. Haul ass to the LZ for the pickup.
5. Call in heavy artillery and an air strike to cover up infiltration activity.
6. Destroy all maps and reference materials.
7. Play dumb when you return to firebase.
US Air Force Rules
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.
US Navy Rules
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Oct 27th, 2007 12:00 am |
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Kentucky GHOST STORY ......TRUE
This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the mountains of Kentucky, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.
A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a really dark night in the middle of a thunder storm.
Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.
Wanting a ride really bad, the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.
The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the marsh and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.
Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.
Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and was not just some drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other:"LookBubba,there's that idiot who rode in our car when we were pushing it in the rain."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Oct 26th, 2007 11:58 am |
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Summer of '57
>>
>> It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
>> Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
>>
>> When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites
>> him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she
>> says. That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning
>> to do.
>>
>> Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop
>> or to a drive-in movie.
>>
>> Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear
>> all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a
>> surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"
>>
>> "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to
>> screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
>>
>> Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has
>> revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes
>> downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
>>
>> Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the
>> front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small
>> wink for Harold.
>>
>> About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back
>> into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
>>
>> "Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Oct 25th, 2007 04:14 pm |
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"Little Johnny strikes again"
One day little johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out.
He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"
Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when its YOUR mom is it?!"
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1465 |
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Posted: Wed Oct 24th, 2007 08:21 pm |
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A married couple go to a marriage counselor to work out some problems.The counselor sits them on the couch and says "For starters, lets talk about something you both have in common."
The husband says "Well, neither of us suck dick".
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 01:19 pm |
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Bed sheets
>
>
>
> An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last
> of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
>
>
>
> Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest
> episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea
> and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
>
>
>
> In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
> sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
>
>
>
> A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
> started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
> unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at
> his feet.
>
>
>
> As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets,
> a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had
> watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on
> here?"
>
>
>
> The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of
> a ghost."
>
>
>
> Happy Halloween
>
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1465 |
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 11:04 am |
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A man and woman are sitting next to each other at a bar. After a few drinks, the man turns to the woman and asks why she looks so down.
“My husband just left me,” she says. “He thinks I’m too kinky in bed.”
“What a coincidence! My wife just left me,” the man replies. “She said I was too kinky for her!”
Ten minutes later, back at her place, the woman says, “Let me slip into something more comfortable,” and she goes into the bathroom to change into a leather dominatrix outfit. But when she returns, the man is walking out the door.
“Where are you going?” she asks. “Didn’t you want to have kinky sex?”
“Well,” he says. “I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse. I’m done!”
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1465 |
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Posted: Thu Oct 18th, 2007 07:16 pm |
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Dave wrote: Guess I'm a redneck... Yup, and that hide's got too many holes in it now anyway
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Oct 18th, 2007 05:57 pm |
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| Guess I'm a redneck...
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Oct 18th, 2007 05:20 pm |
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Thursday, October 18, 2007 11:18 AM
Subject: Fw: Today's Quiz
Subject: Fw: Today's Quiz
Subject: Today's Quiz
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Redneck?
Here is a little test that will help you decide...
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams
obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 911? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.. (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?'
Wife: 'You ain't takin' that to the Taxidermist!'
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Oct 17th, 2007 10:31 am |
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Midget Wife...
A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender was busy at the other end and didn't see them when they walked in.
When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what he would like.
He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings. After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a couple more."
The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, "Why, do you order two drinks at a time?"
The man replies, "Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife."
Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, "Your wife? Where is she?"
"She's standing here next to me."
The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the edge of the bar, utters, "Well, I'll be damned, she ain't any bigger than your fist!"
The man replies, "No, but she's a lot better!"
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1465 |
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Posted: Tue Oct 16th, 2007 03:02 pm |
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An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French
customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his
carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs
officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been
to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport
ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained.
"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help
liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1465 |
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Posted: Mon Oct 15th, 2007 11:08 am |
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A man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called, late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
“What for?” he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared, “Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s why!”
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”
The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Oct 15th, 2007 12:20 am |
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JOB wrote: Gotta hand it to older women there just plain smart.. LOL!
empty wrote:
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped at the feedstore and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem-how to carry his entire purchase home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She said "Can you tell me how to get to 80 lst street?"
The farmer said: "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested; :Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why, thank you very much!" he said and proceeded to walk her home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said; "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and have your way with me?"
The farmer said; "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint two chickens and a goose. How in the world cou ld I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied; "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1465 |
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Posted: Sun Oct 14th, 2007 02:18 pm |
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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped at the feedstore and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem-how to carry his entire purchase home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She said "Can you tell me how to get to 80 lst street?"
The farmer said: "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested; :Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why, thank you very much!" he said and proceeded to walk her home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said; "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and have your way with me?"
The farmer said; "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint two chickens and a goose. How in the world cou ld I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied; "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
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Redd
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Oct 10th, 2007 02:09 am |
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[size=Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two "working girls" and
take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room,
He hears his friend shouting out cries of..."Here I come again! ONE, ]TWO, THREE... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH!" *.
"Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH!"... ALL NIGHT LONG.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was embarrassing, I just couldn't get an erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. You think that's embarrassing?
"I couldn't even get on the bed."
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