 |
| Author | Post |
|---|
empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1465 |
|
Posted: Fri Aug 31st, 2007 01:18 pm |
|
A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,"Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America !"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa !"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says..
"Probably at work"
|
empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1465 |
|
Posted: Thu Aug 30th, 2007 08:41 pm |
|
An Irish man named O'Malley went to his doctor. The doctor, after an
examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and
you'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the
waiting room, where his son had been waiting.
"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have
cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There
were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were
celebrating.
O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I
have been diagnosed with AIDS. "The friends gave O'Malley their
condolences, and they had a couple of more beers with him.
After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad,
I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS."
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I'm gone."
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Wed Aug 29th, 2007 04:41 pm |
|
Not a joke but a good story...Got it off another board...
"Lizard"
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will
have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can
you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, " come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my gosh!" my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I accused my wife..
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired.(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she
was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech,"
my wife whispered, horrified
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
times with the same results.
"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females
in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with
my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a
young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male
species, they um..... um.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his
back." He blushed, glancing at my wife
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just... just... excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And
giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just... that...
I'm picturing you pulling on its.. its... teeny little..." she gasped for
more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea,"
Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
1 - Lizards - $140...
2 - Cage - $50...
3 - Trip to the Vet - $30....
4 - Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie.... Priceless
Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs
|
Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 840 |
|
Posted: Mon Aug 27th, 2007 02:24 am |
|
SEX
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried that the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
Attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control
And until then, to talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her the box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
CHURCH
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you, sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
Profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put
$5,000 in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No shit?"
PANCAKES
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
Appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather
Small penis.
After examing the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied, "The rest are for your father."
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Fri Aug 24th, 2007 08:11 pm |
|
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her
period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and
buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a
call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A
mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in
an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He
sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells
them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I
can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the
rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a
Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront
villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will
be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they
will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who
had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and
tells him, "You fuck her again."
|
jeffy ole boy
Supporter
|
Posted: Wed Aug 22nd, 2007 03:49 pm |
|
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day Jose says, "Look at your sign."
I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support.
"Now look at mine." Carlos looks at Jose's sign.
I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Tue Aug 21st, 2007 12:25 am |
|
I normally don't pass on any porn which I accidentally received...however, I felt that you're old enough and mature enough to handle this.
http://drunkfriends.com/quickies/freesex.html
|
empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1465 |
|
Posted: Mon Aug 20th, 2007 01:48 pm |
|
| When asked if the Donaghy betting scandal is an isolated case, NBA Commissioner David Stern replied that the odds are 2:1 that it is.
|
jeffy ole boy
Supporter
|
Posted: Sun Aug 19th, 2007 01:11 am |
|
>
> Mexican Earthquake.....
>
> A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits
> Mexico . Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The
>
> country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start
> and is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
>
> Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the
> riots.
>
> Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
>
> Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
>
> The European community (except France ) is sending food and money.
> The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans
> to replace the dead ones.
God bless America !
|
jeffy ole boy
Supporter
|
Posted: Sat Aug 18th, 2007 10:19 pm |
|
| HHhahaha.... good one!
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Sat Aug 18th, 2007 09:34 pm |
|
A young guy from Saskatchewan moves to Vancouver and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Saskatchewan "
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the storewas locked up, the boss came down. How many customers bought something fromyou today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day.How much was the sale for?"
The kid says $101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife", and Isaid- "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."
MORNING SEX
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for
breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,
'This is my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,
'Thanks,'
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,
'What was that all about?'
She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.'
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Fri Aug 17th, 2007 04:57 pm |
|
MILLIONS OF STARS
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
"Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
"Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
"Theologically, it tells me that the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
"Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo shit. It mean someone stole the tent."
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Thu Aug 16th, 2007 07:45 pm |
|
|
zippo
Supporter
|
Posted: Thu Aug 16th, 2007 06:52 pm |
|
HOW TO INSTALL A REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16
work boots.
2. Place the boots on your front porch, along with a copy of an old
Guns & Ammo magazine, and a well-used Cabela's catalog.
3. Put 3 or 4 big dog dishes next to the boots,magazine, and catalog.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Jimbo, Junior, and Slim:
Ran out of ammo, so I went for some. Back in about an hour.
Don't mess with the dogs...the Hatchet and Lucifer attacked the mailman
this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took
part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyways, I locked
all three of 'em in the house.Suggest you fellas wait outside 'til I get
back.
Cooter
|
ironhead
Prospect
|
Posted: Wed Aug 15th, 2007 03:38 am |
|
Subject: 2008 Tax Laws
IN GOD WE TRUST
TAX LAWS FOR 2008
The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the PENIS. This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 13% of the time it is pissed off, 12% of the time it is hard up, and 5% of the time it's in the hole. It has two dependents, but they're nuts.
Issues still under consideration are as follows:
a. Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
b. Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
c. Are condoms deductible as work clothes?
Effective January 23, 2008 penises will be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10"- 12" Luxury Tax
8" - 9" Pole Tax
6" - 7" Privilege Tax
4" - 5" Nuisance Tax
Note: Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION
|
jeffy ole boy
Supporter
|
Posted: Fri Aug 10th, 2007 06:22 pm |
|
[size=HILLBILLY MIRROR
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky] all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,
How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home
he remembered his wife didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the bar n and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly thing he's runnin' around with."
|
empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1465 |
|
Posted: Tue Aug 7th, 2007 12:59 pm |
|
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered
a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that, I
just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm
celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the
woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked,
"What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all
my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized
eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Sun Aug 5th, 2007 02:40 pm |
|
"Security"
150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private
investigator - Alan Pinkerton for protection. That was the beginning
of the Secret Service.
Since that time, the federal government has produced a large number
of multi-letter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF,
etc., etc.
Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service".
Can't you see them now, these 'highly trained' men and women in their
black outfits with jackets saying across their backs:
F. A. T. A. S. S.
The FATASS's are of course supervised by a special section of the Home Land Security Section known as:
Airport Security Service Home Office Logistics Enhancement Section or the A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S.
I feel safer already.
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Thu Aug 2nd, 2007 02:01 pm |
|
"Three women in Mexico"
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, "I just graduated from Brigham Young University , and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blond, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from Texas A & M and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
|
empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1465 |
|
Posted: Thu Aug 2nd, 2007 01:16 pm |
|
ironhead wrote:
It's really DISGUSTING what some guys
wear when they go to Wal-Mart...
The other day I was there and saw this guy wearing
these UGLY blue pants!!
I just HAD to show you...
Blue pants???
|
|
|
|
|
|
