 |
| Author | Post |
|---|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Sun Oct 7th, 2007 08:36 pm |
|
O J and the devil"
> One day in the future, O.J. Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.
> He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
> "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but
> I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
> you what I'm going to do; I've got a couple of folks here who weren't
> quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
> place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
>
> O.J. thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to
> the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted
> kept diving in and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he
> dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
>
> "No," O.J. said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't
> think I could do that all day long."
>
> The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a
> sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
> hammer, time after time after time.
>
> "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be
> in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented
> O.J.
>
> The devil opened a third door. Through it, O.J. saw Bill Clinton, lying
> on the bed, his arms tied over his head, his legs restrained in a
> spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
> does best.
>
> O.J. looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I
> can handle this."
>
> The devil smiled and said . . . . . .
> (This is priceless)
>
> "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Fri Oct 5th, 2007 01:35 pm |
|
"WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?"
Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government Official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, Where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute And then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians Running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend All day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to Think he can improve system like that."
|
empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1632 |
|
Posted: Fri Oct 5th, 2007 10:55 am |
|
Blind Pilots
Airplane passengers watch nervously as two men wearing pilots’ uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit. The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit, the pilots high-five.
“You know,” says one pilot to the other, “one day they’re gonna scream too late, and we’re all gonna die.”
|
Redd
Supporter
|
Posted: Thu Oct 4th, 2007 01:17 pm |
|
> An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has> missed her period
> for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
> pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.Shouting,
> cursing, crying, the mother says who was the pig that did this to you? I
> want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour
> later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and
> distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani
> suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the
> living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them Good
> morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her
> because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay
> all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
> Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach
> house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000
> bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and
> a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and
> $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest
> I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand>
> firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."> >>> >>
|
empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1632 |
|
Posted: Tue Oct 2nd, 2007 12:53 pm |
|
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white
male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged
with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public
intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way
home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a
pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for
miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a
telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut
a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I
was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an
approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer
Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.
"I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence.
"I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with
a pumpkin?"
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
looked me straight in the face and said...
"A pumpkin? Shit...is it midnight already?"
|
Redd
Supporter
|
Posted: Mon Oct 1st, 2007 02:26 pm |
|
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed
beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St.
Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be!
I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one
way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to
send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he
knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and
pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh?
How's your first day here?""Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have
this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!""You're ovulating,"
explained the rooster."Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never," said Ralph."Well, just relax and let it happen,"
says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds
later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with
emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid
another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his
third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife
shout.....
"Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!"
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Sat Sep 29th, 2007 06:29 pm |
|
"HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION"
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next
to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door...This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
|
empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1632 |
|
Posted: Fri Sep 28th, 2007 03:10 pm |
|
You Might Be A Part Of The Taliban If...
...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
...You have more wives than teeth.
...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
...You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round.
...You used a Stinger missile given to you by George Bush Sr. to shoot at a helicopter sent by George Bush Jr.
...You’ve ever had your camel repossessed.
...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
...You’ve ever been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look fat?"
...You’ve felt the urge to rub one out after seeing a woman’s exposed ankle.
...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
...You’ve ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you’ve done with your cave."
...You wipe your asswith your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
|
jeffy ole boy
Supporter
|
Posted: Fri Sep 28th, 2007 12:17 am |
|
marc wrote: What greeting card can you find only in Kentucky?
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!" LMAO!!!!
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Fri Sep 28th, 2007 12:16 am |
|
What greeting card can you find only in Kentucky?
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!"
After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.
TRUE MEANING OF MALE STATEMENTS
Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."
Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."
Statement: "She's kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the
head might be necessary."
Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."
Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."
Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who are you?"
Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."
Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find
out sooner or later."
Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on
their way to tell you by now."
Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."
Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."
Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"
Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."
Last edited on Fri Sep 28th, 2007 12:29 am by marc |
jeffy ole boy
Supporter
|
Posted: Thu Sep 27th, 2007 07:29 pm |
|
| Them silly ass W. Virginians anyway, LOL
|
Dave
Supporter
|
Posted: Thu Sep 27th, 2007 07:12 pm |
|
A West Virginia couple, both certified rednecks, had nine children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed." The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what Finally made them make the decision do this. Why after nine children.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one Out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
|
empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1632 |
|
Posted: Thu Sep 27th, 2007 12:06 pm |
|
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he was lonely and didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
|
jeffy ole boy
Supporter
|
Posted: Sat Sep 22nd, 2007 04:03 pm |
|
marc wrote: I see 2 red X's... Thats where the Elephant and Camel were...
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Sat Sep 22nd, 2007 03:54 pm |
|
| I see 2 red X's...
|
jeffy ole boy
Supporter
|
Posted: Sat Sep 22nd, 2007 03:43 pm |
|
An elephant asked a camel,
'Why are your breasts on your back?'
 
'Well,' says the camel,
'I think that's a strange question from somebody whose wiener is on his face
|
zippo
Supporter
|
Posted: Thu Sep 20th, 2007 03:49 pm |
|
[size=Arthur the founder/inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.]
[size=
At the gates, St. Peter told , "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." ]
[size=
Arthur thought about it for a minute, and then said, "I want to hang out with God."]
[size=
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.]
[size=
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"]
[size=
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."]
[size=
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"]
[size=
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"]
[size=
God said, "Yes."]
[size=
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:]
[size=
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;]
[size=
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;]
[size=
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;]
[size=
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;]
[size=
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"]
[size=
"Hmmmm, you have some good point's there. Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to the estimates, more men are riding my invention than yours." ]
|
jeffy ole boy
Supporter
|
Posted: Wed Sep 19th, 2007 06:01 pm |
|
Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Darn" says his friend, "and I just joined The Elks!!"
|
zippo
Supporter
|
Posted: Mon Sep 17th, 2007 08:28 pm |
|
The U.S. Postal Service has issued a recall of a stamp they
> createdwith a picture of now U.S. Senator Hillary Clinton to honor
> herachievements while serving as the First Lady of our nation. The
> problemwas discovered when claims had been made that the stamp was
> not stickingto envelopes, and that mail which had been sent using the
> "Hillary"postage was not being delivered.
>
> Senator Clinton demanded a full investigation into the allegations.
> Aspecial Postal Service Investigation team was formed and after
> several months and millions of dollars spent, made the following
> findings:
>
> *The stamp was manufactured properly.
>
> *There was nothing wrong with the adhesive.
>
> *People were just spitting on the wrong side of the stamp
I don't care who wins, just not her
|
empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1632 |
|
Posted: Mon Sep 17th, 2007 04:28 pm |
|
I was sittin' at the bar last night and some guy pulled off his boot, took a hit off a smoke, blew it in the boot, held the boot up. There was smoke kinda waifting out of the boot and he said, "What's that?"
me: "I dunno"
him: "A Palistenian waitin' for a bus"
|
|
|
|
|
|
