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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Sep 15th, 2007 01:47 pm |
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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you"
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad." "Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Sep 14th, 2007 08:25 pm |
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GOD & THE BIKER
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant
you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to
reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would
take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources . I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and
glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I
want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me
the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says
nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge."
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Sep 14th, 2007 07:44 pm |
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empty wrote: A survey of thousands of men, when asked the question 'What do you like most about a blowjob?'
10% said they liked the feeling
12% said they liked how it made them feel dominant
78% said they enjoyed the silence.
We need to move this to a more appropriate area. The topic here is "Joke of the day"...
This ain't a joke...
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Sep 14th, 2007 06:25 pm |
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empty wrote: A survey of thousands of men, when asked the question 'What do you like most about a blowjob?'
10% said they liked the feeling
12% said they liked how it made them feel dominant
78% said they enjoyed the silence. LOL! I used to know this old feller that shoed horses for a living, I remember him coming over to dad's when I was a kid to shoe a horse or 2 we always had back then. He had no teeth, and everytime he'd tell a good joke, he bust out, "gawwwwdamnnn" Used to crack me up! Still makes me lmao thinking about that...
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1632 |
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Posted: Fri Sep 14th, 2007 05:15 pm |
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A survey of thousands of men, when asked the question 'What do you like most about a blowjob?'
10% said they liked the feeling
12% said they liked how it made them feel dominant
78% said they enjoyed the silence.
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Sep 13th, 2007 01:04 am |
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Good answer Doc!
zippo wrote:
Heart Surgeon
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish it will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing that while it's running."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Sep 13th, 2007 12:39 am |
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How the Bush Administration Changes a Light Bulb
How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;
8. One to viciously smear #7;
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;
10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
George Bush and Sex
Much has already been published about the sexual preferences and notorious behavior of former President Clinton.
However, little has been reported on the sexual practices of the current Commander-in-Chief. It has recently been learned that the President and Mrs. Bush only make love with Laura Bush on top since George W. Bush can only f**k up.
Bush's Tragedy
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"
The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"
A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"
"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"
"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"
Last edited on Thu Sep 13th, 2007 12:44 am by marc |
weasle
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Sep 12th, 2007 06:48 pm |
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| was that way before i got old. LOL.
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Sep 12th, 2007 12:26 am |
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| Alot less stressful thata way! LOL
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Sep 11th, 2007 11:10 pm |
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| Ok guys try this - Attachment: patience.gif (Downloaded 16 times)
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Sep 11th, 2007 11:05 pm |
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Heart Surgeon
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish it will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing that while it's running."
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weasle
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Sep 11th, 2007 06:36 pm |
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| wouldnt work for you either huh empty. ya know zippo,s gettin up their in age meby he had a senior moment. LMAO. or i really do look like a red x.
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1632 |
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Posted: Tue Sep 11th, 2007 01:06 pm |
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zippo wrote: Here is Weez
I've seen pictures of the Weez, he don't look like no red X.
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Sep 11th, 2007 12:45 pm |
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Here is Weez
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Redd
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Sep 11th, 2007 11:56 am |
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Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother.
"Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"
Sally replied, "No...salty!"
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weasle
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Sep 9th, 2007 04:05 pm |
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| heard the new orleans police are going to replace their german shepard police dogs with coon hounds as they arent having any trouble with germans.
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Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 916 |
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Posted: Sun Sep 9th, 2007 02:44 pm |
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An Oklahoman was stopped by a game warden in East Missouri recently
with two ice chests of fish, leaving a river well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim'
round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice
chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of bull! Fish can't do that!"
The Hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said,
"It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The Hillbilly poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the redneck.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish??????"
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Aug 31st, 2007 03:00 pm |
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| Aint that the truth...We got to support those bastards...
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1632 |
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Posted: Fri Aug 31st, 2007 01:18 pm |
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A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,"Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America !"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa !"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says..
"Probably at work"
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1632 |
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Posted: Thu Aug 30th, 2007 08:41 pm |
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An Irish man named O'Malley went to his doctor. The doctor, after an
examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and
you'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the
waiting room, where his son had been waiting.
"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have
cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There
were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were
celebrating.
O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I
have been diagnosed with AIDS. "The friends gave O'Malley their
condolences, and they had a couple of more beers with him.
After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad,
I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS."
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I'm gone."
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