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 Posted: Wed Jan 14th, 2015 11:50 pm
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marc
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My new neighbor is an absolute knockout. She could pass for the best looking woman in the world...

She's single...

She lives right across the road.

I can see her place from my deck.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway and knocked on my door.


I rushed to open it, she looks at me and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good
time, get drunk, and make love all night long!

Are you busy tonight?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm Free, and I have no plans at all!"


She said, "Great! Could you watch my dog?"


Being a senior citizen really sucks!

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 Posted: Mon Jan 5th, 2015 11:59 pm
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marc
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Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind is called Smurf Sex: This kind of sex happens when you
first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the
face.

The 2nd kind is called Kitchen Sex: This is when you have been with
your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex
anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called Bedroom Sex: This is when you have
been with your partner for a long time. Your love life has gotten
routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called Hallway Sex: This is when you have
been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the
hallway you both say "Screw" you.'

The 5th kind is called Catholic Sex: Which means you get "Nun" in
the morning, "Nun" in the afternoon and "Nun" at night. (Very
Popular!!!)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex: This is when you cannot stand
your wife any more. She takes you to court and "screws" you in front
of everyone.

And, last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called Social
Security Sex: You get a little each month but not enough to enjoy
yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.
I have enough problems of my own!!!

Last edited on Tue Jan 6th, 2015 12:19 am by marc

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 Posted: Sun Jan 4th, 2015 05:50 pm
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marc
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LOL...

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 Posted: Sun Jan 4th, 2015 05:03 pm
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jeffy ole boy
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Subject: How I lost my teeth
How I lost my teeth

I was in the Texas Rose bar last night having a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (a girl) came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt.


She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.”

I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen.”

She said, “ I sure do."

I said, “ Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”


My dental surgery is on Monday.

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 Posted: Sat Jan 3rd, 2015 02:55 pm
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jeffy ole boy
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That proves, you gotta luv Rednecks! Lol!

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 Posted: Sat Jan 3rd, 2015 01:59 pm
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marc
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A Mexican, a Black man, a Muslim and a Redneck
were walking together on a beach when the Black man stumbled
over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the
sand off it, and a Genie appeared.

"I can only grant four wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are
four of you, you may have a wish apiece." Pointing at the Black,
he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first
wish."

The Black man thought for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of
ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to
our homeland, Africa ." Poof! It was done! Thousands of ships
appeared on the skyline.

The Mexican said, "I weesh for enough Cheby peekups to take all my
peoples back to our homeland, May-he-co!" Poof! It was done! Row
after row of Chevrolet pickups appeared on the
beach.

The Muslim said, "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all
of my people away from this horrible country loaded with
infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve
Allah." Poof! It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly
appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Redneck, the Genie asked, "And what is your
wish?"

The Redneck watched as the loaded pickups began moving toward the
border, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships
sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the
Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding
off.

The Redneck said, "Just give me a Bud. It doesn't get any
better than this!"

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 Posted: Thu Dec 25th, 2014 11:23 am
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Dave
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LMAO! Spotted her quick!

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 Posted: Thu Dec 25th, 2014 12:27 am
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marc
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LOL...This is great...

Attachment: Nancy P.jpg (Downloaded 67 times)

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 Posted: Sat Dec 20th, 2014 01:02 pm
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jeffy ole boy
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weasle1 wrote:
:D

Hhahhaa! Good one!

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 Posted: Fri Dec 19th, 2014 11:07 pm
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weasle1
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:D

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 Posted: Fri Dec 19th, 2014 10:43 pm
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marc
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THE BROTHEL

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'.
The man replied, ' Ontario '.
'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that 3 things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

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 Posted: Sun Dec 7th, 2014 07:29 pm
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jeffy ole boy
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Sisters buy a Bull

Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble...




In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.




Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'




The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull and decides she wants to buy it.




The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.




She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'




The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.




Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.




After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'




The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word'comfortable?'




The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.




She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'

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 Posted: Sun Dec 7th, 2014 11:25 am
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Dave
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marc wrote:
3 Wishes



Guy finds bottle on the beach, rubs it, Genie appears and says... "Ok.... you know the drill. You get three wishes.....but the catch is that whatever you wish for, every lawyer in the world gets double."

Wish 1. "How about a billion dollars."

Genie. "Granted, but every lawyer in the world gets two billion"

Wish 2. "A woman that's perfect and beautiful in every way"

Genie. " Granted, but every lawyer in the world gets two women that are perfect and beautiful in every way.

Wish 3. "I'd like to have a kidney removed.
LMAO!!

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 Posted: Sat Dec 6th, 2014 08:31 pm
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jeffy ole boy
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That was a good one!! :D

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 Posted: Sat Dec 6th, 2014 07:07 pm
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marc
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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

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 Posted: Sat Dec 6th, 2014 07:04 pm
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marc
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3 Wishes



Guy finds bottle on the beach, rubs it, Genie appears and says... "Ok.... you know the drill. You get three wishes.....but the catch is that whatever you wish for, every lawyer in the world gets double."

Wish 1. "How about a billion dollars."

Genie. "Granted, but every lawyer in the world gets two billion"

Wish 2. "A woman that's perfect and beautiful in every way"

Genie. " Granted, but every lawyer in the world gets two women that are perfect and beautiful in every way.

Wish 3. "I'd like to have a kidney removed.

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 Posted: Fri Dec 5th, 2014 04:54 pm
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marc
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5 Surgeons



Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

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 Posted: Fri Dec 5th, 2014 12:55 pm
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marc
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One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let
YOU decide who leaves.
"Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.
"The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shock and disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this.”
"The devil smiled and said...............................

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

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 Posted: Sat Nov 1st, 2014 12:28 am
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marc
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There were 3 blondes stuck on an island. They found a magic lamp and rubbed it. A genie appeared and told them they each get one wish. The first blonde wished to be more intelligent. Poof! The genie made her a redhead and she then built a raft and left the island. The second blonde wished to be even more intelligent than the first one. Poof! The genie made her a brunette and she then built a boat and sailed off the island. The third blonde wished to be even more intelligent than the first two. Poof! The genie made her into a man and he then walked across the bridge.

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 Posted: Sun Oct 5th, 2014 04:54 pm
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jeffy ole boy
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A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the Finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Kevin’s whore."

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