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| Author | Post |
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Jul 31st, 2007 06:35 pm |
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| LOL...I love it...
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Jul 31st, 2007 05:53 pm |
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Only in Texas my friends.... Only in Texas ..... Too bad......
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's
deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a
lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any
cop from San Antonio, Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have
some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says," License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop
sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop, says the deputy.
License and registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the
law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between
slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give
me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy
says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
beating the ever-loving sh -- out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me
to stop, or just slow down?"
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weasle
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Jul 30th, 2007 12:36 pm |
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| damn for 230 some bucks , a guy could rack up a lot of miles in the saddle. gotta agree jeff some yupe will buy it . LOL.
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Jul 29th, 2007 06:28 pm |
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| LMAO!! I agree that has got to be the most rediculous device I have ever heard of.... and there is no doubt someone that will buy it!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Jul 29th, 2007 06:17 pm |
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LOL...How pathetic is this...Got it off another board...
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Jul 27th, 2007 02:23 pm |
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HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
> THINKING,
>
> "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?" WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS TALE FROM A
> WOMAN!!
>
>
> I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW
>
> DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
>
> SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE
> SAME
>
> NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS NEARLY 40 YEARS AGO. COULD
>
> HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON
> SEEING
>
> HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING,
> GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH
>
> THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
>
> AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN
> PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
>
> "YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
>
> "WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
>
> HE ANSWERED, "IN 1968. WHY DO YOU ASK?"
>
> "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
>
> HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED, BALD, FAT,
> GRAY, DECREPIT SON-OF-
>
> A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jul 26th, 2007 07:47 pm |
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"Cannibal Restaurant Menu"
Cannibal
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came
upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling
somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the
menu...
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why
such a price difference for the politician?"
The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one?? They're full of shit!"
"Post Turtle"
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Nancy Pelosi and her elevation to speaker of the house. The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Nancy is a "post turtle'."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road
and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top,
that's a post turtle."The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.
"You know she didn't get there by herself; she doesn't belong there; she doesn't know what to do while she's up there; and you just want to help the dumb animal get down."
Last edited on Thu Jul 26th, 2007 07:50 pm by marc |
empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1632 |
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Posted: Thu Jul 26th, 2007 01:30 pm |
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Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support"
Carlos looks at Jose's sign.
It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Jul 25th, 2007 12:07 pm |
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| Sometimes there is alot to be said for professional service.... Good one! LOL....
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Jul 25th, 2007 11:48 am |
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"The Coat Hanger"
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud,
"Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
Is - GOD GOOD - or what!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Jul 22nd, 2007 12:52 pm |
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"Innocent eyes"
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
Replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took
Her foot and stomped them flat, saying
"Well, we're not having any of that Broken back Mountain shit in our garden."
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1632 |
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Posted: Thu Jul 19th, 2007 12:58 pm |
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Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and the Hunchback of Notre Dame were all
talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
The Hunchback of Notre Dame said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest
person in the world."
So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have
their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphantly, "I am now officially the
smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, the Hunchback of Notre Dame comes out looking utterly
confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1632 |
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Posted: Wed Jul 18th, 2007 12:49 pm |
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A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his
Irish assistant Paddy., "I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don't
want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take
care of all of our patients."
"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.
The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: So,
Paddy, how was your day?
Paddy told him that he took care of three patients. The first one had a
headache so I gave him Panadol."
"Bravo Mate and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Asprin".
"Excellent. You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the
doctor.
"Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman
enters. Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off
everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table
and shouts:
'HELP ME! For five years I haven't seen a man!'"
"Good God "says the doctor."What did you do?"
"I put drops in her eyes!"
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GOC
Bouncer
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Posted: Wed Jul 18th, 2007 10:09 am |
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| LOL
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ironhead
Prospect
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Posted: Wed Jul 18th, 2007 09:58 am |
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A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever
done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on
a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of
bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone,
but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker
and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose
ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off! Or I'll kick
the s--t out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
>>>>>
"Just a couple minutes ago".
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Jul 16th, 2007 06:54 pm |
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| A Blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.He;thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said , I found your note aksing me to leave 25 Gallons of milk. Did you mean2.5 gallons ? The blonde said, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so i can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked , "Do you want it pasteurized?" T he blonde said , "No, just up to my breasts,I can splash it on my eyes
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ironhead
Prospect
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Posted: Mon Jul 16th, 2007 04:03 pm |
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I rear ended a car this morning the driver got out of the other car and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!" So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started.
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weasle
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Jul 11th, 2007 12:27 pm |
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| to often we loose sight of lifes simple pleasures. rember when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown,but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch slap the M#%*+_%^& upside the head!.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Jul 11th, 2007 12:03 pm |
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An elderly man in Northern Maine had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old man decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
The moral of the story: Don't underestimate the power of an old man to think on his feet.
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Redd
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Jul 8th, 2007 02:18 am |
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Math lesson
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on
the dining
room table:
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54years
old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret
the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary
at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset ~ I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the
dining room table:
"To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
also 54 years old.
As you know I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform
you that while you're at the Comfort Inn, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with
Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is
young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math you will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore
I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
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