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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Oct 18th, 2007 06:20 pm |
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Thursday, October 18, 2007 11:18 AM
Subject: Fw: Today's Quiz
Subject: Fw: Today's Quiz
Subject: Today's Quiz
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Redneck?
Here is a little test that will help you decide...
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams
obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 911? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.. (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?'
Wife: 'You ain't takin' that to the Taxidermist!'
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Oct 17th, 2007 11:31 am |
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Midget Wife...
A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender was busy at the other end and didn't see them when they walked in.
When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what he would like.
He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings. After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a couple more."
The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, "Why, do you order two drinks at a time?"
The man replies, "Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife."
Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, "Your wife? Where is she?"
"She's standing here next to me."
The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the edge of the bar, utters, "Well, I'll be damned, she ain't any bigger than your fist!"
The man replies, "No, but she's a lot better!"
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1829 |
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Posted: Tue Oct 16th, 2007 04:02 pm |
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An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French
customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his
carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs
officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been
to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport
ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained.
"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help
liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1829 |
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Posted: Mon Oct 15th, 2007 12:08 pm |
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A man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called, late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
“What for?” he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared, “Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s why!”
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”
The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Oct 15th, 2007 01:20 am |
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JOB wrote: Gotta hand it to older women there just plain smart.. LOL!
empty wrote:
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped at the feedstore and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem-how to carry his entire purchase home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She said "Can you tell me how to get to 80 lst street?"
The farmer said: "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested; :Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why, thank you very much!" he said and proceeded to walk her home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said; "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and have your way with me?"
The farmer said; "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint two chickens and a goose. How in the world cou ld I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied; "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1829 |
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Posted: Sun Oct 14th, 2007 03:18 pm |
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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped at the feedstore and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem-how to carry his entire purchase home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She said "Can you tell me how to get to 80 lst street?"
The farmer said: "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested; :Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why, thank you very much!" he said and proceeded to walk her home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said; "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and have your way with me?"
The farmer said; "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint two chickens and a goose. How in the world cou ld I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied; "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
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Redd
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Oct 10th, 2007 03:09 am |
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[size=Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two "working girls" and
take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room,
He hears his friend shouting out cries of..."Here I come again! ONE, ]TWO, THREE... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH!" *.
"Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH!"... ALL NIGHT LONG.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was embarrassing, I just couldn't get an erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. You think that's embarrassing?
"I couldn't even get on the bed."
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1829 |
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Posted: Mon Oct 8th, 2007 02:24 pm |
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Earl and Bubba two guys from Elbert County GA are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, 'I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months.'
Earl spits, sips his beer, and says "You'd better think that over, women like that are hard to find".
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Oct 7th, 2007 11:10 pm |
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marc wrote: "WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?"
Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government Official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, Where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute And then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians Running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend All day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to Think he can improve system like that." This story no joke... ALL TRUE!!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Oct 7th, 2007 09:36 pm |
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O J and the devil"
> One day in the future, O.J. Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.
> He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
> "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but
> I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
> you what I'm going to do; I've got a couple of folks here who weren't
> quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
> place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
>
> O.J. thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to
> the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted
> kept diving in and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he
> dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
>
> "No," O.J. said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't
> think I could do that all day long."
>
> The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a
> sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
> hammer, time after time after time.
>
> "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be
> in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented
> O.J.
>
> The devil opened a third door. Through it, O.J. saw Bill Clinton, lying
> on the bed, his arms tied over his head, his legs restrained in a
> spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
> does best.
>
> O.J. looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I
> can handle this."
>
> The devil smiled and said . . . . . .
> (This is priceless)
>
> "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Oct 5th, 2007 02:35 pm |
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"WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?"
Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government Official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, Where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute And then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians Running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend All day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to Think he can improve system like that."
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1829 |
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Posted: Fri Oct 5th, 2007 11:55 am |
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Blind Pilots
Airplane passengers watch nervously as two men wearing pilots’ uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit. The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit, the pilots high-five.
“You know,” says one pilot to the other, “one day they’re gonna scream too late, and we’re all gonna die.”
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Redd
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Oct 4th, 2007 02:17 pm |
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> An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has> missed her period
> for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
> pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.Shouting,
> cursing, crying, the mother says who was the pig that did this to you? I
> want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour
> later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and
> distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani
> suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the
> living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them Good
> morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her
> because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay
> all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
> Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach
> house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000
> bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and
> a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and
> $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest
> I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand>
> firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."> >>> >>
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1829 |
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Posted: Tue Oct 2nd, 2007 01:53 pm |
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In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white
male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged
with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public
intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way
home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a
pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for
miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a
telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut
a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I
was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an
approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer
Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.
"I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence.
"I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with
a pumpkin?"
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
looked me straight in the face and said...
"A pumpkin? Shit...is it midnight already?"
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Redd
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Oct 1st, 2007 03:26 pm |
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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed
beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St.
Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be!
I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one
way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to
send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he
knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and
pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh?
How's your first day here?""Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have
this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!""You're ovulating,"
explained the rooster."Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never," said Ralph."Well, just relax and let it happen,"
says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds
later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with
emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid
another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his
third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife
shout.....
"Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!"
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Sep 29th, 2007 07:29 pm |
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"HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION"
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next
to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door...This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1829 |
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Posted: Fri Sep 28th, 2007 04:10 pm |
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You Might Be A Part Of The Taliban If...
...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
...You have more wives than teeth.
...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
...You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round.
...You used a Stinger missile given to you by George Bush Sr. to shoot at a helicopter sent by George Bush Jr.
...You’ve ever had your camel repossessed.
...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
...You’ve ever been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look fat?"
...You’ve felt the urge to rub one out after seeing a woman’s exposed ankle.
...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
...You’ve ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you’ve done with your cave."
...You wipe your asswith your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Sep 28th, 2007 01:17 am |
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marc wrote: What greeting card can you find only in Kentucky?
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!" LMAO!!!!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Sep 28th, 2007 01:16 am |
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What greeting card can you find only in Kentucky?
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!"
After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.
TRUE MEANING OF MALE STATEMENTS
Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."
Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."
Statement: "She's kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the
head might be necessary."
Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."
Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."
Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who are you?"
Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."
Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find
out sooner or later."
Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on
their way to tell you by now."
Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."
Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."
Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"
Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."
Last edited on Fri Sep 28th, 2007 01:29 am by marc |
jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Sep 27th, 2007 08:29 pm |
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| Them silly ass W. Virginians anyway, LOL
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