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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Sep 27th, 2007 08:12 pm |
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A West Virginia couple, both certified rednecks, had nine children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed." The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what Finally made them make the decision do this. Why after nine children.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one Out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1829 |
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Posted: Thu Sep 27th, 2007 01:06 pm |
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Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he was lonely and didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Sep 22nd, 2007 05:03 pm |
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marc wrote: I see 2 red X's... Thats where the Elephant and Camel were...
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Sep 22nd, 2007 04:54 pm |
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| I see 2 red X's...
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Sep 22nd, 2007 04:43 pm |
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An elephant asked a camel,
'Why are your breasts on your back?'
 
'Well,' says the camel,
'I think that's a strange question from somebody whose wiener is on his face
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Sep 20th, 2007 04:49 pm |
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[size=Arthur the founder/inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.]
[size=
At the gates, St. Peter told , "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." ]
[size=
Arthur thought about it for a minute, and then said, "I want to hang out with God."]
[size=
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.]
[size=
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"]
[size=
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."]
[size=
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"]
[size=
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"]
[size=
God said, "Yes."]
[size=
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:]
[size=
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;]
[size=
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;]
[size=
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;]
[size=
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;]
[size=
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"]
[size=
"Hmmmm, you have some good point's there. Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to the estimates, more men are riding my invention than yours." ]
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Sep 19th, 2007 07:01 pm |
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Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Darn" says his friend, "and I just joined The Elks!!"
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Sep 17th, 2007 09:28 pm |
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The U.S. Postal Service has issued a recall of a stamp they
> createdwith a picture of now U.S. Senator Hillary Clinton to honor
> herachievements while serving as the First Lady of our nation. The
> problemwas discovered when claims had been made that the stamp was
> not stickingto envelopes, and that mail which had been sent using the
> "Hillary"postage was not being delivered.
>
> Senator Clinton demanded a full investigation into the allegations.
> Aspecial Postal Service Investigation team was formed and after
> several months and millions of dollars spent, made the following
> findings:
>
> *The stamp was manufactured properly.
>
> *There was nothing wrong with the adhesive.
>
> *People were just spitting on the wrong side of the stamp
I don't care who wins, just not her
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1829 |
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Posted: Mon Sep 17th, 2007 05:28 pm |
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I was sittin' at the bar last night and some guy pulled off his boot, took a hit off a smoke, blew it in the boot, held the boot up. There was smoke kinda waifting out of the boot and he said, "What's that?"
me: "I dunno"
him: "A Palistenian waitin' for a bus"
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Sep 15th, 2007 02:47 pm |
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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you"
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad." "Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Sep 14th, 2007 09:25 pm |
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GOD & THE BIKER
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant
you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to
reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would
take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources . I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and
glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I
want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me
the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says
nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge."
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Sep 14th, 2007 08:44 pm |
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empty wrote: A survey of thousands of men, when asked the question 'What do you like most about a blowjob?'
10% said they liked the feeling
12% said they liked how it made them feel dominant
78% said they enjoyed the silence.
We need to move this to a more appropriate area. The topic here is "Joke of the day"...
This ain't a joke...
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Sep 14th, 2007 07:25 pm |
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empty wrote: A survey of thousands of men, when asked the question 'What do you like most about a blowjob?'
10% said they liked the feeling
12% said they liked how it made them feel dominant
78% said they enjoyed the silence. LOL! I used to know this old feller that shoed horses for a living, I remember him coming over to dad's when I was a kid to shoe a horse or 2 we always had back then. He had no teeth, and everytime he'd tell a good joke, he bust out, "gawwwwdamnnn" Used to crack me up! Still makes me lmao thinking about that...
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1829 |
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Posted: Fri Sep 14th, 2007 06:15 pm |
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A survey of thousands of men, when asked the question 'What do you like most about a blowjob?'
10% said they liked the feeling
12% said they liked how it made them feel dominant
78% said they enjoyed the silence.
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Sep 13th, 2007 02:04 am |
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Good answer Doc!
zippo wrote:
Heart Surgeon
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish it will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing that while it's running."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Sep 13th, 2007 01:39 am |
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How the Bush Administration Changes a Light Bulb
How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;
8. One to viciously smear #7;
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;
10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
George Bush and Sex
Much has already been published about the sexual preferences and notorious behavior of former President Clinton.
However, little has been reported on the sexual practices of the current Commander-in-Chief. It has recently been learned that the President and Mrs. Bush only make love with Laura Bush on top since George W. Bush can only f**k up.
Bush's Tragedy
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"
The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"
A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"
"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"
"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"
Last edited on Thu Sep 13th, 2007 01:44 am by marc |
weasle
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Sep 12th, 2007 07:48 pm |
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| was that way before i got old. LOL.
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Sep 12th, 2007 01:26 am |
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| Alot less stressful thata way! LOL
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Sep 12th, 2007 12:10 am |
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| Ok guys try this - Attachment: patience.gif (Downloaded 16 times)
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Sep 12th, 2007 12:05 am |
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Heart Surgeon
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish it will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing that while it's running."
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