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| Author | Post |
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Aug 16th, 2007 07:52 pm |
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HOW TO INSTALL A REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16
work boots.
2. Place the boots on your front porch, along with a copy of an old
Guns & Ammo magazine, and a well-used Cabela's catalog.
3. Put 3 or 4 big dog dishes next to the boots,magazine, and catalog.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Jimbo, Junior, and Slim:
Ran out of ammo, so I went for some. Back in about an hour.
Don't mess with the dogs...the Hatchet and Lucifer attacked the mailman
this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took
part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyways, I locked
all three of 'em in the house.Suggest you fellas wait outside 'til I get
back.
Cooter
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ironhead
Prospect
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Posted: Wed Aug 15th, 2007 04:38 am |
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Subject: 2008 Tax Laws
IN GOD WE TRUST
TAX LAWS FOR 2008
The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the PENIS. This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 13% of the time it is pissed off, 12% of the time it is hard up, and 5% of the time it's in the hole. It has two dependents, but they're nuts.
Issues still under consideration are as follows:
a. Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
b. Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
c. Are condoms deductible as work clothes?
Effective January 23, 2008 penises will be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10"- 12" Luxury Tax
8" - 9" Pole Tax
6" - 7" Privilege Tax
4" - 5" Nuisance Tax
Note: Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Aug 10th, 2007 07:22 pm |
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[size=HILLBILLY MIRROR
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky] all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,
How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home
he remembered his wife didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the bar n and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly thing he's runnin' around with."
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1829 |
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Posted: Tue Aug 7th, 2007 01:59 pm |
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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered
a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that, I
just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm
celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the
woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked,
"What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all
my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized
eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Aug 5th, 2007 03:40 pm |
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"Security"
150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private
investigator - Alan Pinkerton for protection. That was the beginning
of the Secret Service.
Since that time, the federal government has produced a large number
of multi-letter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF,
etc., etc.
Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service".
Can't you see them now, these 'highly trained' men and women in their
black outfits with jackets saying across their backs:
F. A. T. A. S. S.
The FATASS's are of course supervised by a special section of the Home Land Security Section known as:
Airport Security Service Home Office Logistics Enhancement Section or the A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S.
I feel safer already.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Aug 2nd, 2007 03:01 pm |
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"Three women in Mexico"
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, "I just graduated from Brigham Young University , and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blond, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from Texas A & M and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1829 |
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Posted: Thu Aug 2nd, 2007 02:16 pm |
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ironhead wrote:
It's really DISGUSTING what some guys
wear when they go to Wal-Mart...
The other day I was there and saw this guy wearing
these UGLY blue pants!!
I just HAD to show you...
Blue pants???
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ironhead
Prospect
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Posted: Thu Aug 2nd, 2007 01:49 pm |
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It's really DISGUSTING what some guys
wear when they go to Wal-Mart...
The other day I was there and saw this guy wearing
these UGLY blue pants!!
I just HAD to show you... Attachment: ShowLetter.jpg (Downloaded 11 times)
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Aug 1st, 2007 04:31 pm |
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Where do red headed babys come from?
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.
"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently.
"It's rust".
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Jul 31st, 2007 07:35 pm |
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| LOL...I love it...
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Jul 31st, 2007 06:53 pm |
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Only in Texas my friends.... Only in Texas ..... Too bad......
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's
deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a
lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any
cop from San Antonio, Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have
some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says," License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop
sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop, says the deputy.
License and registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the
law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between
slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give
me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy
says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
beating the ever-loving sh -- out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me
to stop, or just slow down?"
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weasle
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Jul 30th, 2007 01:36 pm |
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| damn for 230 some bucks , a guy could rack up a lot of miles in the saddle. gotta agree jeff some yupe will buy it . LOL.
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Jul 29th, 2007 07:28 pm |
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| LMAO!! I agree that has got to be the most rediculous device I have ever heard of.... and there is no doubt someone that will buy it!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Jul 29th, 2007 07:17 pm |
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LOL...How pathetic is this...Got it off another board...
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Jul 27th, 2007 03:23 pm |
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HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
> THINKING,
>
> "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?" WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS TALE FROM A
> WOMAN!!
>
>
> I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW
>
> DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
>
> SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE
> SAME
>
> NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS NEARLY 40 YEARS AGO. COULD
>
> HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON
> SEEING
>
> HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING,
> GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH
>
> THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
>
> AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN
> PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
>
> "YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
>
> "WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
>
> HE ANSWERED, "IN 1968. WHY DO YOU ASK?"
>
> "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
>
> HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED, BALD, FAT,
> GRAY, DECREPIT SON-OF-
>
> A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jul 26th, 2007 08:47 pm |
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"Cannibal Restaurant Menu"
Cannibal
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came
upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling
somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the
menu...
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why
such a price difference for the politician?"
The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one?? They're full of shit!"
"Post Turtle"
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Nancy Pelosi and her elevation to speaker of the house. The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Nancy is a "post turtle'."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road
and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top,
that's a post turtle."The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.
"You know she didn't get there by herself; she doesn't belong there; she doesn't know what to do while she's up there; and you just want to help the dumb animal get down."
Last edited on Thu Jul 26th, 2007 08:50 pm by marc |
empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1829 |
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Posted: Thu Jul 26th, 2007 02:30 pm |
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Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support"
Carlos looks at Jose's sign.
It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Jul 25th, 2007 01:07 pm |
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| Sometimes there is alot to be said for professional service.... Good one! LOL....
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Jul 25th, 2007 12:48 pm |
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"The Coat Hanger"
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud,
"Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
Is - GOD GOOD - or what!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Jul 22nd, 2007 01:52 pm |
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"Innocent eyes"
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
Replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took
Her foot and stomped them flat, saying
"Well, we're not having any of that Broken back Mountain shit in our garden."
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