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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1829 |
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Posted: Thu Jul 19th, 2007 01:58 pm |
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Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and the Hunchback of Notre Dame were all
talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
The Hunchback of Notre Dame said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest
person in the world."
So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have
their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphantly, "I am now officially the
smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, the Hunchback of Notre Dame comes out looking utterly
confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1829 |
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Posted: Wed Jul 18th, 2007 01:49 pm |
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A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his
Irish assistant Paddy., "I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don't
want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take
care of all of our patients."
"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.
The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: So,
Paddy, how was your day?
Paddy told him that he took care of three patients. The first one had a
headache so I gave him Panadol."
"Bravo Mate and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Asprin".
"Excellent. You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the
doctor.
"Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman
enters. Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off
everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table
and shouts:
'HELP ME! For five years I haven't seen a man!'"
"Good God "says the doctor."What did you do?"
"I put drops in her eyes!"
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GOC
Bouncer
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Posted: Wed Jul 18th, 2007 11:09 am |
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| LOL
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ironhead
Prospect
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Posted: Wed Jul 18th, 2007 10:58 am |
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A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever
done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on
a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of
bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone,
but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker
and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose
ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off! Or I'll kick
the s--t out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
>>>>>
"Just a couple minutes ago".
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Jul 16th, 2007 07:54 pm |
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| A Blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.He;thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said , I found your note aksing me to leave 25 Gallons of milk. Did you mean2.5 gallons ? The blonde said, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so i can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked , "Do you want it pasteurized?" T he blonde said , "No, just up to my breasts,I can splash it on my eyes
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ironhead
Prospect
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Posted: Mon Jul 16th, 2007 05:03 pm |
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I rear ended a car this morning the driver got out of the other car and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!" So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started.
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weasle
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Jul 11th, 2007 01:27 pm |
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| to often we loose sight of lifes simple pleasures. rember when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown,but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch slap the M#%*+_%^& upside the head!.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Jul 11th, 2007 01:03 pm |
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An elderly man in Northern Maine had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old man decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
The moral of the story: Don't underestimate the power of an old man to think on his feet.
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Redd
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Jul 8th, 2007 03:18 am |
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Math lesson
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on
the dining
room table:
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54years
old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret
the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary
at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset ~ I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the
dining room table:
"To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
also 54 years old.
As you know I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform
you that while you're at the Comfort Inn, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with
Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is
young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math you will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore
I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Jul 7th, 2007 11:18 pm |
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If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Jul 4th, 2007 01:25 pm |
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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
Stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
Merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please
Allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose,cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out
Their school clothes,fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove
Them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to
The cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit,& went grocery
Shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and
Balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, do the
Laundry,vacuum, dust, and sweep and Mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with
Them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their
Homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did
The ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
Breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded
Laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished
,he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed
To get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and
Said: "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my
Wife's' being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us
Trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to
Change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine
Months, though. You got pregnant last night."
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1829 |
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Posted: Tue Jul 3rd, 2007 04:29 pm |
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At the end of a job interview, the head of human resources asks the young engineer fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer decides to shoot for the moon. "I’m thinking in the range of $125,000 a year or so, depending on the benefits package."
"Hmm," says the interviewer. "Well, what would you say to five weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a retirement fund with company matching to 50 percent of salary, and a company car leased every two years–say, a Porsche?"
The engineer gapes and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
"Yeah," replies the interviewer, "but you started it."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Jul 1st, 2007 01:32 pm |
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>Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.
>Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of
>money to spend.
>
>Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
>Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills
>every day.
>
>Jose says, "Look at your sign."
>It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support"
>
>Carlos looks at Jose's sign.
>
>It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Jun 30th, 2007 08:07 pm |
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| Hhahaaa!! Babe sent that one to me the other day Redd.
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Redd
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Jun 30th, 2007 07:54 pm |
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Sad Day
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost
went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at
the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into
the coffin. They put his left leg in...and then the trouble started.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Jun 30th, 2007 03:17 pm |
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"Upon reaching 65"
> Upon reaching 65, old Poppy decided to retire.
>
>
> After having him under foot for a few months, his wife
>
> became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and
>
> do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get
>
> a hobby.
>
> Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours.
>
> When he got home his wife asked about his day.
>
> He replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung
>
> out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club."
>
> "What? Are you nuts?
>
> You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out
>
> of airplanes?"
>
> "Yeah, look I even got a membership card."
>
> "Old man, you need glasses!
>
> This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
>
> "Oh, great!, now what am I going to do?,
>
> I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jun 28th, 2007 07:35 pm |
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THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin
didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could
fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
alternative,"
said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are
legal in
Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your
ear
and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in
the
shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to
my ear
is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
continued
counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Georgia, Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana,
Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and Washington DC. (and maybe Columbus, Ohio)
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Jun 27th, 2007 09:18 pm |
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>> Living Will
>>
>>
>> Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living
>>
>> room and I said to her, " I never want to live in a
>>
>> vegetative state, dependant on some machine and
>>
>> fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug".
>>
>>
>> She got up and unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.
>>
>>
>> She's such a Bitch.........
>>
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1829 |
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Posted: Sun Jun 24th, 2007 05:17 pm |
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So one day little Johnny goes into the kitchen and says to his mom, "Mom, grandma's got her shrimps hanging out again."
Knowing that the grandma is going a little senile in her old age, mom goes out into the living room and finds grandma sitting in her lazy-boy with her dress up and her panties around her ankles.
Not knowing how she is going to explain this to her son, the mom goes back into the kitchen and says to little Johnny, " Honey, those aren't shrimps. They are part of the vagina which is the female reproductive organ on a woman, just like the penis is for a man."
Little Johnny replies, "Well whatever you say mom but they sure taste like shrimps to me!"
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Jun 22nd, 2007 01:01 pm |
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ROTFLMAO...I love these...
"New rules..."
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice an d let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis .
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive f arting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giv ing, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying,
"Do you want fries with that?"
"Gay Pride Parade"
After watching a Gay Pride Parade in Detriot, eight gays spied a bar and decided to stop in for a drink. As the approached the bar, they saw that there was only two bar stools open. One of the gays quickly grabed the two stools and turned them upside down and said, "There, now we have seating for eight!!"
"How about the 3 gays"
who were talking about the recent loss of their lovers.
The first fag said "I am going to bury Brucie on a mountain top because we loved to take long walks on the mountain"
The second fag said, " I'm doing to bury Francis on a ocean beach because we loved to take long walks on the beach".
The third fag said, "I'm going to creamate Johnathan and pour his ashed into a bowl of chile".
The other two cringed and asked, "Why are you going to do that?
He answered, "Cause I'm gonna let him tear my ass hole up just one more time"!!!
Last edited on Fri Jun 22nd, 2007 01:06 pm by marc |
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