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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1298 |
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Posted: Sun Jun 24th, 2007 05:17 pm |
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So one day little Johnny goes into the kitchen and says to his mom, "Mom, grandma's got her shrimps hanging out again."
Knowing that the grandma is going a little senile in her old age, mom goes out into the living room and finds grandma sitting in her lazy-boy with her dress up and her panties around her ankles.
Not knowing how she is going to explain this to her son, the mom goes back into the kitchen and says to little Johnny, " Honey, those aren't shrimps. They are part of the vagina which is the female reproductive organ on a woman, just like the penis is for a man."
Little Johnny replies, "Well whatever you say mom but they sure taste like shrimps to me!"
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Jun 22nd, 2007 01:01 pm |
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ROTFLMAO...I love these...
"New rules..."
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice an d let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis .
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive f arting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giv ing, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying,
"Do you want fries with that?"
"Gay Pride Parade"
After watching a Gay Pride Parade in Detriot, eight gays spied a bar and decided to stop in for a drink. As the approached the bar, they saw that there was only two bar stools open. One of the gays quickly grabed the two stools and turned them upside down and said, "There, now we have seating for eight!!"
"How about the 3 gays"
who were talking about the recent loss of their lovers.
The first fag said "I am going to bury Brucie on a mountain top because we loved to take long walks on the mountain"
The second fag said, " I'm doing to bury Francis on a ocean beach because we loved to take long walks on the beach".
The third fag said, "I'm going to creamate Johnathan and pour his ashed into a bowl of chile".
The other two cringed and asked, "Why are you going to do that?
He answered, "Cause I'm gonna let him tear my ass hole up just one more time"!!!
Last edited on Fri Jun 22nd, 2007 01:06 pm by marc |
marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jun 21st, 2007 01:02 pm |
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| LOL...
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ironhead
Prospect
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Posted: Wed Jun 20th, 2007 04:05 pm |
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I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to
let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;
they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from
achieving them.
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer...
is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with
me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time
to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner,
soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me,
and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next
day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You
can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Jun 19th, 2007 09:44 pm |
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Drinking with a Texas girl
A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a Texas girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls
out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.
The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.
The Texas girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her . 45, and
shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, In America we have so
many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Jun 17th, 2007 03:13 pm |
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The Buttocks
************************
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So, the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
If this doesn't make you smile ~ nothing will!
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1298 |
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Posted: Sun Jun 17th, 2007 01:58 pm |
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Guts -vs- Balls
Guts - Arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom; Having the guts to ask, "Are you cleaning or are you about to fly off somewhere?"
Balls - Coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick smudges on your collar; Slap the wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Jun 15th, 2007 05:58 pm |
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Subject: aircraft mecmhanics
[size=
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in ]Wichita. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says , "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No "
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jun 14th, 2007 09:10 pm |
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"AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES"
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water
down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to
hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using
the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD -40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't
move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the
duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES--NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE
STAIRS.
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1298 |
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Posted: Thu Jun 14th, 2007 04:46 pm |
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| I was on the way to work this morning and I ran into the back of a car at some traffic lights. The other fella driving got out and started running back and it turns out he's a dwarf! He runs up to my window and says "I'm not happy"... I said "Well which one are you then?"
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ironhead
Prospect
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Posted: Mon Jun 11th, 2007 08:05 am |
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The Genie in the Bottle....
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed,
"I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the
owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost
us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on
its side near the broken window.
A large black man reclining on the couch asked,
"Are you the people that broke my window?"
Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
Oh, no apology is necessary.
Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a
thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last
one for myself."
Wow, that's great!" the husband said.
He pondered a moment and blurted out, I'd like a million dollars a
year for the rest of my life."
No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady,
what do you want?" the genie asked.
I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done" the genie said.
"And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural
disasters!"
And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"
Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years,
my wish is to have sex with your wife!"
The husband looked at his wife and said,
"Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those
houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same
for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked,
"How old are you and your husband?"
Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding." he said,
"Thirty-five years old .............and both of you still believe in
genie
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jun 7th, 2007 12:39 pm |
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A Father walked into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is
holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in
the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and
starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the store reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the
commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the
newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and
makes her way unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of
the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist gently at first
and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses
violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches
it in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father
and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"
"No", the woman replied. "Divorce Attorney."
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Vero Steve
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jun 7th, 2007 11:30 am |
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| Hey where did you guys get the picture of my daughter??????????
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jun 7th, 2007 02:17 am |
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ironhead wrote: Yes all of her inner beauty that God made. LOL! but you know a gal that dresses like that is obviously looking for attention so she may not mind a little touch on the backside? Then again??
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ironhead
Prospect
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Posted: Thu Jun 7th, 2007 02:09 am |
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| Yes all of her inner beauty that God made.
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1298 |
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Posted: Wed Jun 6th, 2007 01:42 pm |
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marc wrote: "Upbringing"
It is true that some people didn't see past the rags, but I saw one of God's creatures in all its beauty. As I walked behind this person, an inner voice urged me forward.
"Reach out, reach out!" The urge was strong, and so I did...
....and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the strawberry red hand print got planted on the side of his face.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Jun 6th, 2007 12:57 pm |
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"Upbringing"
A few days ago, I was walking down the street, minding my own business.
In front of me was one of those people you see so often in cities these days.
Wearing torn clothing and toting two plastic bags of belongings, my heart went out to this person.
Some people turned to look but, others, walking with their wives or girlfriends, stared straight ahead pretending they did not see.
Remembering my upbringing, in which I was taught to "care for the needy, feed the hungry, and clothe the naked," I felt I had to reach out to this person.
It is true that some people didn't see past the rags, but I saw one of God's creatures in all its beauty. As I walked behind this person, an inner voice urged me forward.
"Reach out, reach out!" The urge was strong, and so I did...
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1298 |
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Posted: Tue Jun 5th, 2007 01:44 pm |
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I met an older woman at a club last night.
She was OK for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a song & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3 some?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mom you still awake?"
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Jun 2nd, 2007 07:55 pm |
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"Two Priests"
Two Priests decided to go to the Bahamas on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing
anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some
really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist"
garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and
the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong
bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father.
Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them
individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more
outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs
to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a different
colored thong, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father.
Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a
minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world
do you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen!
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu May 31st, 2007 03:54 pm |
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| ROFLMAO!!
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