V Twin BBS - Est. 1996 - Harley Rider's Forum (Forum for Sale) Home 
Home Search search Menu menu Not logged in - Login | Register

Joke of the day...
 Moderated by: Dave Page:  First Page Previous Page  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  ...  Next Page Last Page  
New Topic Reply Printer Friendly
 Rate Topic 
AuthorPost
 Posted: Tue Sep 30th, 2014 11:02 pm
  PMQuoteReply
41st Post
marc
Full Member


Joined: Thu Nov 4th, 2004
Location: Basking Ridge, New Jersey USA
Posts: 4211
Status: 
Offline
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the New York City convention center where he was introduced to a United States Marine Corps General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just onequestion about what I have seen in America."

The General said,"Well, Sir, is there anything I can do to help?"

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans,
Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'.

"The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."

Last edited on Tue Sep 30th, 2014 11:05 pm by marc

Back To Top

 Posted: Wed Sep 17th, 2014 09:46 pm
  PMQuoteReply
42nd Post
jeffy ole boy
Full Member


Joined: Mon Jan 2nd, 2006
Location: By Bridge On The River, Indiana USA
Posts: 4865
Status: 
Offline
A conversation in heaven
>
> SYLVIA:
> Hi! Wanda.
>
> WANDA:
> Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
>
> SYLVIA:
> I froze to death.
>
> WANDA:
> How horrible!
>
> SYLVIA:
> It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
> the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
> and finally died a peaceful death.
> What about you?
>
> WANDA:
> I died of a massive heart attack.
> I suspected that my husband was cheating,
> so I came home early to catch him in the act.
> But instead, I found him all by himself
> in the den watching TV.
>
> SYLVIA:
> So, what happened?
>
> WANDA:
> I was so sure there was another woman
> there somewhere that I started running
> all over the house looking. I ran up into
> the attic and searched, and down into the
> basement. Then I went through every closet
> and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
> until I had looked everywhere, and finally
> I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
> with a heart attack and died.
>
> SYLVIA:
> Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
> ---we'd both still be alive.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

Back To Top

 Posted: Mon Aug 18th, 2014 11:51 pm
  PMQuoteReply
43rd Post
marc
Full Member


Joined: Thu Nov 4th, 2004
Location: Basking Ridge, New Jersey USA
Posts: 4211
Status: 
Offline
Pretty good...

Back To Top

 Posted: Mon Aug 18th, 2014 02:10 pm
  PMQuoteReply
44th Post
jeffy ole boy
Full Member


Joined: Mon Jan 2nd, 2006
Location: By Bridge On The River, Indiana USA
Posts: 4865
Status: 
Offline
THIS IS A GOOD ONE,

3 large black ladies Three large black ladies were getting ready to
take a plane trip for the very first time.The first lady said, 'I
don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on sum hot pink panties
beefo' I gets on dat plane.''Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two
asked. The first replied, 'Cuz, if dat plane goes down and I'm out
dare laying butt-upin a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'The second
lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some floe resant orange
panties.''Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked. The second lady
answered, 'Cuz if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating
butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'The third lady says,
'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties.' 'Wot? No panties?' the others
asked in disbelief.The third lady says, 'Dat's right girls, you hears
me right. I ain't wearing no panties, cos, honey,dey always look for
da Black Box first.

Back To Top

 Posted: Fri May 9th, 2014 01:19 am
  PMQuoteReply
45th Post
jeffy ole boy
Full Member


Joined: Mon Jan 2nd, 2006
Location: By Bridge On The River, Indiana USA
Posts: 4865
Status: 
Offline
George
Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While
there, they spy a red
phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil
tells them it is for
calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia
and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished, the devil informs
him that
the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen
Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished,
the
devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes
him a
check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.
When he is
finished, the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When
Putin hears this,
he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to
call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies, " Since Obama took
over, the country's gone to hell,
so it's a local
call.

Back To Top

 Posted: Wed May 7th, 2014 02:00 am
  PMQuoteReply
46th Post
jeffy ole boy
Full Member


Joined: Mon Jan 2nd, 2006
Location: By Bridge On The River, Indiana USA
Posts: 4865
Status: 
Offline
Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming
around in Mexico City.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the
smell was wonderful.

"What is that you just served?" he asked the waiter.

"Ah senor, you have excellent taste!" the waiter replied. "Those are
called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning.
A delicacy!'

"What the heck, bring me an order."

"I am so sorry senor," the waiter replied. "There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening
was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few
bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter.

"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw
you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders.

"Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..."

Back To Top

 Posted: Mon Feb 24th, 2014 02:40 pm
  PMQuoteReply
47th Post
jeffy ole boy
Full Member


Joined: Mon Jan 2nd, 2006
Location: By Bridge On The River, Indiana USA
Posts: 4865
Status: 
Offline
SCOTCH?................



On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit…She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked,

" Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

Back To Top

 Posted: Sat Feb 1st, 2014 02:27 pm
  PMQuoteReply
48th Post
marc
Full Member


Joined: Thu Nov 4th, 2004
Location: Basking Ridge, New Jersey USA
Posts: 4211
Status: 
Offline
Seniors Texting Codes


Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD- At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM- Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center

* DWI- Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL- Living on Lipitor

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT- Texting on Toilet

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?


Hope these help.
GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

Back To Top

 Posted: Sat Feb 1st, 2014 01:06 pm
  PMQuoteReply
49th Post
jeffy ole boy
Full Member


Joined: Mon Jan 2nd, 2006
Location: By Bridge On The River, Indiana USA
Posts: 4865
Status: 
Offline
Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta.

It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over.

Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.

She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab.

Old man Stacey won't mind."

So Sandra, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.

When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store.

Why didn't you just give me some money?"

Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"





A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes........

Back To Top

 Posted: Sat Jan 11th, 2014 05:55 pm
  PMQuoteReply
50th Post
marc
Full Member


Joined: Thu Nov 4th, 2004
Location: Basking Ridge, New Jersey USA
Posts: 4211
Status: 
Offline
Dear patient,

Re: Your recent surgery

Our lab results confirm that the red ring around your
penis was not cancer. It was lipstick.

We are sincerely sorry for the diagnostic error, apologize
for the amputation, and regret any inconvenience this
might have caused you!

Your Obamacare Surgeon

Back To Top

 Posted: Wed Jan 8th, 2014 01:13 pm
  PMQuoteReply
51st Post
jeffy ole boy
Full Member


Joined: Mon Jan 2nd, 2006
Location: By Bridge On The River, Indiana USA
Posts: 4865
Status: 
Offline
Hot and Cold Sex

After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly . . . and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined his elderly wife later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Well, your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time . . . and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea why?'

"Oh, that crazy old bastard!!!'' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.

Back To Top

 Posted: Sat Jan 4th, 2014 01:14 pm
  PMQuoteReply
52nd Post
jeffy ole boy
Full Member


Joined: Mon Jan 2nd, 2006
Location: By Bridge On The River, Indiana USA
Posts: 4865
Status: 
Offline
That was funny Weasle :P

Back To Top

 Posted: Fri Jan 3rd, 2014 04:17 pm
  PMQuoteReply
53rd Post
weasle1
Full Member


Joined: Sun Sep 21st, 2008
Location: Tiffin, Ohio USA
Posts: 1516
Status: 
Offline
a guy asked me which actress id like to be stuck on a elevator with , i told him one who knows how to fix elevators , im old and have to pee a lot .

Back To Top

 Posted: Mon Dec 23rd, 2013 11:47 pm
  PMQuoteReply
54th Post
marc
Full Member


Joined: Thu Nov 4th, 2004
Location: Basking Ridge, New Jersey USA
Posts: 4211
Status: 
Offline
Obama goes on a State visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem, he has a massiveheart attackand dies.

The Undertaker tells the US diplomats: "You can have him shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100."

The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they still want Obama flown home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious country and you would only spend $100?"

One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. "We simply can't take that risk".

Back To Top

 Posted: Mon Dec 16th, 2013 06:31 pm
  PMQuoteReply
55th Post
jeffy ole boy
Full Member


Joined: Mon Jan 2nd, 2006
Location: By Bridge On The River, Indiana USA
Posts: 4865
Status: 
Offline
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.


THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,

'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'

Back To Top

 Posted: Mon Dec 9th, 2013 02:06 pm
  PMQuoteReply
56th Post
jeffy ole boy
Full Member


Joined: Mon Jan 2nd, 2006
Location: By Bridge On The River, Indiana USA
Posts: 4865
Status: 
Offline
A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
After looking around, he realized that they were stranded
on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got i
the habit of taking his two animal companions to the b
every evening to watch the sunset. One particular eve
the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds,
breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better
to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and p
his arm around it
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled
fierce until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was
another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening
beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky,
cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a
night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings agaii

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave

in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex
for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there
was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

Back To Top

 Posted: Sat Dec 7th, 2013 12:46 pm
  PMQuoteReply
57th Post
weasle1
Full Member


Joined: Sun Sep 21st, 2008
Location: Tiffin, Ohio USA
Posts: 1516
Status: 
Offline
was up to detroit last tues , despite all the rumors its not really that bad . the metro area is doing quite well , just the city of detroit thats in decay . the casino was buisy :D

Back To Top

 Posted: Sat Dec 7th, 2013 12:34 pm
  PMQuoteReply
58th Post
jeffy ole boy
Full Member


Joined: Mon Jan 2nd, 2006
Location: By Bridge On The River, Indiana USA
Posts: 4865
Status: 
Offline
I was shopping in Phoenix, AZ the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Detroit".

So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"

You DON'T FIND MANY LOVING AND CARING PEOPLE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!

Back To Top

 Posted: Wed Nov 27th, 2013 02:09 pm
  PMQuoteReply
59th Post
jeffy ole boy
Full Member


Joined: Mon Jan 2nd, 2006
Location: By Bridge On The River, Indiana USA
Posts: 4865
Status: 
Offline
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra .

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
The car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
Them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
Getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
Out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.

Back To Top

 Posted: Mon Nov 25th, 2013 10:54 am
  PMQuoteReply
60th Post
Dave
Super Moderator


Joined: Wed Nov 3rd, 2004
Location: Monrovia, California USA
Posts: 4233
Status: 
Offline
jeffy ole boy wrote:
Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight,
and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed
or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed
both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed
examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder
this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came.'
LOL!!

Back To Top


 Current time is 06:25 pm
Page:  First Page Previous Page  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  ...  Next Page Last Page  

Top



UltraBB 1.172 Copyright © 2007-2016 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.2684 seconds (43% database + 57% PHP). 25 queries executed.