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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Mar 13th, 2008 04:13 pm |
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A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Mar 12th, 2008 07:37 pm |
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Got this off another board...
Tax Rebate
This past week President Bush and Congress allowed each one of us would get $300.00, it was
$800.00 but they dropped it to $300.00 tax rebate. If we spend that money at
Wal-Mart, most of the money will go to China , if we spend it on gasoline it
will all go to the Arabs, if we spend it on new computers all the money will go to
India, or Pakistan for tect support and none will help the American economy.
The way I see it, we need to keep that money here in America , so the only way I
can see to keep that money here at home is drink beer or spend it on
prostitution, those are the only businesses still in the U.S.
i think i'll just get a "tuneup" for my sled 
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Mar 12th, 2008 11:10 am |
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A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, He goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife, She's Not my wife, She's not my wife..."
His funeral service will be held on Friday.
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Mar 10th, 2008 02:06 pm |
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After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines in the Los Angeles Times newspaper said: "California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, The Express News, a local newspaper in Texas, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 yards in corn fields near Austin, Bubba Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Mar 9th, 2008 07:09 pm |
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LOL...Got this off another board...
"USRSF to be sent to Iraq...."
United States Redneck Special Forces
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Mar 7th, 2008 12:34 pm |
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Randy in Pensacola wrote: Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
Got to watch out for those old ladies...Old People Rock...LOL...
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Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 800 |
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Posted: Fri Mar 7th, 2008 10:39 am |
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Little Old Lady in court......
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Mar 6th, 2008 10:01 pm |
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The Alligator and the Blonde :
A Cajun walks into a bar with
A pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the gator will close his
Mouth for one minute.
"Then he'll open his mouth
And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
Spectacle,
Each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth
As the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
The man grabbed a beer
Bottle and smacked the
Alligator hard on the top of
Its head.
The gator opened his mouth
And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered,
And the first of his free
Drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
"I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
With the beer bottle!"
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Mar 6th, 2008 06:26 pm |
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| LOL...Good 1...
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Mar 6th, 2008 06:19 pm |
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Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself nude in a mirror, after a relaxing bath.Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...
"God...if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.
And at that very moment, her ears fell off...
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Mar 5th, 2008 03:35 pm |
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"Bathroom humor, happy hump day!!!!"
How To Poop At Work:
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoi d being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Tr y floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud s plash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Mar 3rd, 2008 03:21 pm |
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A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Mar 2nd, 2008 05:37 pm |
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"Man's best friend"
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Mar 1st, 2008 10:35 am |
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Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:''Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?''
The bus driver shakes his head and says,''No, I'm sorry.''
At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: ''Will it take ME?''
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Redd
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Feb 29th, 2008 04:01 am |
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A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained as usual,'' l have a headache''
''Perfect'', her husband said....
'' l was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin..
You can take it orally, or as a suppository,...it's up to you.''
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 28th, 2008 02:13 pm |
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Something To Offend Nearly Everyone
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment
Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?
A. They're hiring
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work
in the future either.
Q. What do you call a Mississippi
farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.
Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday,
the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description
of the animal on the front of the cage
along with a recipe.
Q. How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
A. Get another sweet little
80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run,
jump or swim are already in the United
States.
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Feb 27th, 2008 11:32 pm |
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You all will like this one.....
A Horse, A Chicken and A Harley
[size=
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. ]
[size=
]
[size=
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.]
[size=
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!]
[size=
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.]
[size=
]
[size=
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.]
[size=
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.]
[size=
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.]
[size=
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!]
[size=
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.]
[size=
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.]
[size=
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!]
[size=
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.]
[size=
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.]
[size=
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)]
[size=
When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!]
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Feb 27th, 2008 06:47 pm |
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I personly found the Gold Wing Riders excuses the funniest.... pretty good!
marc wrote:
*Top Ten Reasons Why Harley Riders Don't Wave Back*
10. Afraid it will invalidate warranty.
9. Leather and studs make it too heavy to raise arm.
8. Refuse to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for.
7. Afraid to let go of handlebars because they might vibrate off.
6. Rushing wind would blow scabs off the new tattoos.
5. Angry because just took out second mortgage to pay luxury tax on new Harley.
4. Just discovered the fine print in owner's manual and realized H-D is partially owned by Honda.
3. Can't tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else.
2. Remembers the last time a Harley rider waved back, he impaled his hand on spiked helmet.
1. They're too tired from spending hours polishing all that chrome to lift their arms.
*Top Ten Reasons Why Gold Wing Riders Don't Wave Back*
10. Wasn't sure whether other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture.
9. Afraid might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip.
8. Has arthritis and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise arm.
7. Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him.
6. The espresso machine just finished.
5. Was actually asleep when other rider waved.
4. Was in a three-way conference call with stockbroker and accessories dealer.
3. Was distracted by odd shaped blip on radar screen.
2. Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature, and satellite navigation system.
1. Couldn't find the "auto wave back" button on dashboard.
*Top Ten Reasons Why Sportbike Riders Don't Wave Back*
10. They have not been riding long enough to know they're supposed to.
9. They're going too fast to have time enough to register the movement and respond.
8. You weren't wearing bright enough gear.
7. If they stick their arm out going that fast they'll rip it out of the socket.
6. They're too occupied with trying to get rid of their chicken strips.
5. They look way too cool with both hands on the bars or they don't want to
unbalance themselves while standing on the tank.
4. Their skin tight-Kevlar-ballistic-nylon-kangaroo-leather suits prevent any position other than fetal.
3. Raising an arm allows bugs into the armholes of their tank tops.
2. It's too hard to do one-handed stoppies.
1. They were too busy slipping their flip-flop back on.
*Top Ten Reasons Why BMW Riders Don't Wave Back*
10. New Aerostich suit too stiff to raise arm.
9. Removing a hand from the bars is considered "bad form."
8. Your bike isn't weird enough looking to justify acknowledgement.
7. Too sore from an 800-mile day on a stock "comfort" seat.
6. Too busy programming the GPS, monitoring radar, listening to iPod, XM and talking on the cell phone.
5. He's an Iron Butt rider and you're not!
4. Wires from Gerbings is too short.
3. You're not riding the "right kind" of BMW.
2. You haven't been properly introduced.
1. Afraid it will be misinterpreted as a friendly gesture.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Feb 27th, 2008 04:51 pm |
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ROTFLMAO...
New Sex Study...
It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Feb 27th, 2008 02:46 pm |
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*Top Ten Reasons Why Harley Riders Don't Wave Back*
10. Afraid it will invalidate warranty.
9. Leather and studs make it too heavy to raise arm.
8. Refuse to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for.
7. Afraid to let go of handlebars because they might vibrate off.
6. Rushing wind would blow scabs off the new tattoos.
5. Angry because just took out second mortgage to pay luxury tax on new Harley.
4. Just discovered the fine print in owner's manual and realized H-D is partially owned by Honda.
3. Can't tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else.
2. Remembers the last time a Harley rider waved back, he impaled his hand on spiked helmet.
1. They're too tired from spending hours polishing all that chrome to lift their arms.
*Top Ten Reasons Why Gold Wing Riders Don't Wave Back*
10. Wasn't sure whether other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture.
9. Afraid might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip.
8. Has arthritis and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise arm.
7. Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him.
6. The espresso machine just finished.
5. Was actually asleep when other rider waved.
4. Was in a three-way conference call with stockbroker and accessories dealer.
3. Was distracted by odd shaped blip on radar screen.
2. Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature, and satellite navigation system.
1. Couldn't find the "auto wave back" button on dashboard.
*Top Ten Reasons Why Sportbike Riders Don't Wave Back*
10. They have not been riding long enough to know they're supposed to.
9. They're going too fast to have time enough to register the movement and respond.
8. You weren't wearing bright enough gear.
7. If they stick their arm out going that fast they'll rip it out of the socket.
6. They're too occupied with trying to get rid of their chicken strips.
5. They look way too cool with both hands on the bars or they don't want to
unbalance themselves while standing on the tank.
4. Their skin tight-Kevlar-ballistic-nylon-kangaroo-leather suits prevent any position other than fetal.
3. Raising an arm allows bugs into the armholes of their tank tops.
2. It's too hard to do one-handed stoppies.
1. They were too busy slipping their flip-flop back on.
*Top Ten Reasons Why BMW Riders Don't Wave Back*
10. New Aerostich suit too stiff to raise arm.
9. Removing a hand from the bars is considered "bad form."
8. Your bike isn't weird enough looking to justify acknowledgement.
7. Too sore from an 800-mile day on a stock "comfort" seat.
6. Too busy programming the GPS, monitoring radar, listening to iPod, XM and talking on the cell phone.
5. He's an Iron Butt rider and you're not!
4. Wires from Gerbings is too short.
3. You're not riding the "right kind" of BMW.
2. You haven't been properly introduced.
1. Afraid it will be misinterpreted as a friendly gesture.
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