 |
| Author | Post |
|---|
Dave
Supporter
|
Posted: Tue Feb 26th, 2008 12:41 pm |
|
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say, Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replied, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
|
Dave
Supporter
|
Posted: Sat Feb 23rd, 2008 11:18 am |
|
A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house.
One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it.
The Rabbi asked, "What are you doing?"
The Priest responded, "I'm blessing the car."
So the Rabbi said "Okay, since we're doing that...." and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Fri Feb 22nd, 2008 01:34 pm |
|
"Father/Daughter Bonding."
A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old daughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said she would take their daughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her father.
"Well," the father asked, "Did you enjoy your ride with mommy?"
"Oh yes, Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head!"
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
|
Dave
Supporter
|
Posted: Fri Feb 22nd, 2008 10:36 am |
|
Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Thu Feb 21st, 2008 07:09 pm |
|
An Al Qaeda guerilla desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.
The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse.
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
|
Dave
Supporter
|
Posted: Thu Feb 21st, 2008 07:08 pm |
|
A freelance photographer decided he wasn't making any money shooting scenic pictures for magazines like National Geographic, so he decided to change his style and shoot porn instead. He had a fabulous idea for a theme and was certain it would make him a big name in the business, but it would require a model he called 'a true blonde.' He began interviewing models, but none of them were quite what he was looking for.
After weeks of searching, he began to get depressed, thinking he'd never find the perfect model. He stopped in a coffee house and ordered some coffee... and that's when he saw her. The waitress was perfect! She had platinum blonde hair that fell below her shoulder blades, a gorgeous face and a body all men want and all women wish they had.
Excitedly, he asked her if she'd ever done any nude posing before.
She shrugged and said she hadn't, but for the right price, she would.
"I have only one question," he asked. "Are you a true blonde?"
"I've never, ever dyed my hair, if that's what you mean," she answered.
So he gave her his card and told her to meet him the next day at his studio. When she arrived, he told her to get undressed and step onto the stage he had set up. She undressed and he noticed that her pubic hair was black.
Frowning he said, "You said you were a true blonde! What a waste of my time this is."
She gestured to him sweetly and walked him over to his desk. She took his hand and sensually placed it palm down onto his desk, then suddenly grabbed a huge paperweight and slammed it onto his hand as hard as she could. When he cussed and screamed at her in agony she just smirked.
"Awe, look at that," she cooed, "it's turning black, and it was only banged once."
|
Dave
Supporter
|
Posted: Thu Feb 21st, 2008 06:59 pm |
|
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Thu Feb 21st, 2008 06:53 pm |
|
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
'Two Prostitutes -- $50.00.'
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.'
One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!' 'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled 'Their sign pertains to religion.'
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
'Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.00.'
|
weasle
Supporter
|
Posted: Thu Feb 21st, 2008 06:01 pm |
|
| one day the LR comes up on tonto who is laying with his ear to the ground , LR says whats up , tonto says 4 horses , covered wagon , 2 people , LR says you can hear all that ? tonto says no, they ran over me 5 min ago.
|
jeffy ole boy
Supporter
|
Posted: Thu Feb 21st, 2008 05:33 pm |
|
> The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
> The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of
> the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill
> you, I will grant you three requests.
>
>
> What is your first request?'
>
> The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'
>
> The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in
> Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
>
>
> Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his
> back.
>
> As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and
> spends the night.
>
> The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
>
>
> 'You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days.
> What is your second request?'
>
> The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him,
> and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
>
>
> As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
> horizon.
>
>
> Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time
> with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone
> Ranger's tent and spends the night.
>
> The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
>
> 'You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. 'What
> is your last request?'
>
> The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse....alone! .'
>
> The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
> Ranger's tent.
>
> Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
> square in the eye and says,
>
>
> 'Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING
> POSSEEEE'
|
Dave
Supporter
|
Posted: Tue Feb 19th, 2008 01:40 pm |
|
A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom Is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. "Mom,look, I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him in the face and says "Go show your father".
He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look papa, I'm a white boy."
His dad slaps him hard in the face and says "Go show your grandmother."
The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says "Mira, abuelita, I'm a white boy "
His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?"
To which the boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I already don't like you Mexicans.
|
Dave
Supporter
|
Posted: Tue Feb 19th, 2008 01:37 pm |
|
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Sun Feb 17th, 2008 06:55 pm |
|
"THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR"
FINALLY, THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:
>>
>> Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
>> A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.
>>
>> Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
>> A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'
>>
>> Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
>> A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
>>
>> Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
>> A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go,
>> they take your house and car with them.
>>
>> Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
>> A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch..
>>
>> AND:
>>
>> Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
>> A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose
|
weasle
Supporter
|
Posted: Sun Feb 17th, 2008 05:23 pm |
|
| ugly , imho.
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Sun Feb 17th, 2008 03:05 pm |
|
Yeah...Richard Petty Cat Chopper...What a waste of $100,000.00...
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&viewitem=&item=260209799791#ebayphotohosting
|
Abo
Supporter
|
Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2008 08:06 pm |
|
Yet another Blind Biker Joke
A blind biker,hungry & thirsty, walks into a little pub and sits down.
The owner, Walks up to him and hands him menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a fork used by a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up
a greasy fork.
He returns to the man's table and hands it to him.
The blind biker puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen and tells his wife Gladys, the cook, what just happened.
The blind biker eats and leaves.
Several days later, the blind biker returns and the owner mistakenly brings
him a menu again.
Sir, remember me? I'm the blind biker."
"I'm sorry! I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind biker.
After another deep breath, the blind biker says,
"That smells great. I'll take the corned beef & cabbage."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind biker is screwing around with him and tells his wife Gladys that the next time the blind biker comes in he's going to test him.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Gladys, rub this fork on your panties before I take it
to the blind biker."
Gladys complies and hands her husband the fork.
As the blind biker walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I have your fork ready
for you."
The blind biker puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, "Hey, I didn't
know Gladys worked here!!!!"
|
empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1346 |
|
Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2008 07:32 pm |
|
Randy in Pensacola wrote: weasle wrote: what do ya call a poodle with no legs? it dont matter he aint gonna come anyway.
Joe cartoon calls him LUMP....LOL
http://www.joecartoon.com/cartoons/148-lump_the_no_legged_dog
Joecartoon is one of the greatest ever. ...All the way back to 'frog in a blender'.
|
Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 800 |
|
Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2008 07:21 pm |
|
weasle wrote: what do ya call a poodle with no legs? it dont matter he aint gonna come anyway.
Joe cartoon calls him LUMP....LOL
http://www.joecartoon.com/cartoons/148-lump_the_no_legged_dog
|
Dave
Supporter
|
Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2008 01:21 pm |
|
weasle wrote:
what do ya call a poodle with no legs? it dont matter he aint gonna come anyway. Yeah, walkin' him is a real drag too...
|
weasle
Supporter
|
Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2008 12:59 pm |
|
| what do ya call a poodle with no legs? it dont matter he aint gonna come anyway.
|
Current time is 09:10 am | Page:   1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 ...   |
|
|
|
|
