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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Feb 15th, 2008 04:10 pm |
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Got this off another board...Not a joke but pretty good reading...
"As I've Matured..."
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working
in your house, one of your kids did it
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 14th, 2008 07:40 pm |
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Why Parent's Drink
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that
was addressed to
'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had
to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene
with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so
nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her
piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is
much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the
fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will
find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.
She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care
of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get
to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 14th, 2008 01:37 pm |
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Two alligators were relaxing in the swamp talking.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger ' n me. We're the same age, and we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down other side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up into one of them Lexus and wait fer one toopen the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment.' 'See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase!"
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 14th, 2008 11:11 am |
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How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, if they're small enough.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Feb 10th, 2008 04:52 pm |
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Drinking with a Redneck Girl
A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When
the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out
his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our
glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."
The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need
to drink with the same one twice either."
The Redneck Girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one
draft, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45 and shoots the
Mexican and the Iraqi.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she
says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we
don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
God Bless America!
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Feb 9th, 2008 02:27 pm |
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A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Jan 30th, 2008 09:30 pm |
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A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Jan 29th, 2008 12:48 am |
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Dave wrote: An elderly Texas cowhand went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue Viagra pill.
The pharmacist asked "How many?"
The cowboy replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old, and I don't even think about sex much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new boots. Gotta luv them old cowboys honesty! LMAO......
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Jan 28th, 2008 04:32 pm |
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An elderly Texas cowhand went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue Viagra pill.
The pharmacist asked "How many?"
The cowboy replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old, and I don't even think about sex much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new boots.
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Jan 28th, 2008 04:27 pm |
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Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage after the second pub.
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Jan 25th, 2008 10:31 am |
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| LMAO! Good caption...
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Jan 25th, 2008 01:33 am |
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Do not swallow chewing gum !
Independant testing has provided conclusive evidence that this may occur !
Last edited on Fri Jan 25th, 2008 08:33 am by marc |
marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Jan 23rd, 2008 08:30 pm |
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"Voted the best 'Red Neck pick up lines'"
1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to check you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Fat Penguin........ Sorry, I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as winder cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep til' afternoon.
And.... The best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up
"Add this to your dictionary"
Electile Dysfunction: the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.
Last edited on Wed Jan 23rd, 2008 08:33 pm by marc |
Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Jan 23rd, 2008 10:59 am |
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A cop pulls over a guy.
The cop says to the guy "Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?"
"Gee, officer," the man says. "Your eyes are awfully glazed -- have you been eating doughnuts?"
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Jan 21st, 2008 09:44 pm |
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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him
a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for
the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he
weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as
promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next
day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wea ring
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the
next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in
better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to
go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound
program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our
most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this
good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he
finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink
running shoes and a sign around his neck t hat reads, "If I catch you,
your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Jan 21st, 2008 12:05 pm |
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A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath;
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Jan 21st, 2008 10:25 am |
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Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Jan 19th, 2008 03:46 pm |
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Gynecologist's Assistant Opening
A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville , Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested he goes and visits the office to learn more.
'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.
The person behind he desk sorts through his files and replies, 'Oh yes here it is'... The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions.
You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair; then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford , Mississippi . That's about 620 miles from here.'
'Oh why, is that where the job is ?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the line is!'
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jan 17th, 2008 02:07 pm |
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A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary.
"HA," he snorted, "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!"
On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrusts her pubic area forward. "There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me a fur coat."
"That's not your chest!" he roars back.
"Damn right it's my chest," she argued, "Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest. AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT, IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jan 17th, 2008 10:38 am |
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A little girl and her dog are walking through the forest when they suddenly fall into a pit. They scramble and scramble but can't make their way out. The little girl yells, the dog barks, but no one is around to hear their calls for help. Slowly, the night sky turns black and they find themselves engulfed in utter darkness.
Off in the distance, the wolves begin howling. Each howl is louder and closer than the last.
The little girl holds the dog close to her chest and says sadly to the dog, "This is the worst mess in which ever have found ourselves, my darling Sparky."
"Yeah," the dog says, "we're really screwed."
"Sparky," the girl says, astonished, "I didn't know you could talk."
"Well," the dog says, "I was kinda waiting for the right time to tell you."
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