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Joke of the day...
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 Posted: Sun Apr 7th, 2013 08:06 pm
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marc
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Sniffer

A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.

I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'Search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'Search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and pooped all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

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 Posted: Sat Mar 30th, 2013 12:33 pm
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marc
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Facts of Life...



#...Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself..
Moral: In life no one helps you, once you're ****ed.

#...Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got ****ed to achieve it.

#...What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the ****! and What a ****!

#...3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!

#...Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.

#...Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life.......

According To William Sexfear A Drunk Guy Is A Liability, But A Drunk Girl Is An Asset.

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 Posted: Thu Mar 28th, 2013 03:23 pm
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jeffy ole boy
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On the morning that Daylight Savings Time

ended, I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You dumb shit!

You're supposed to turn your clock back!"

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 Posted: Sun Mar 17th, 2013 10:12 am
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Dave
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lytle wrote:
Funny I didn't think any that voted for him had an IQ that high.No shit, I figured they were bein' watered a couple times a week...

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 Posted: Sun Mar 17th, 2013 02:03 am
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lytle
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Funny I didn't think any that voted for him had an IQ that high.

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 Posted: Sat Mar 16th, 2013 11:58 pm
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marc
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Guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender! The

robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." The robot

brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy

says," 168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space

exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the

bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says,

"Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's

your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about

Nascar, Budweiser, the Lions and MSU

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will

try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What

will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his

whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh,

about 50."



The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people . . .

still happy . . . with Obama?"

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 Posted: Sat Mar 9th, 2013 11:25 pm
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Dave
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marc wrote:
Teacher asks the kids in class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?
"Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
And you, Susie?
"I wanna be Johnny's bitch!"


LMAO!!!

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 Posted: Sat Mar 9th, 2013 11:25 pm
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Dave
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marc wrote:
Teacher asks the kids in class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?
"Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
And you, Susie?
"I wanna be Johnny's bitch!"


LMAO!!!

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 Posted: Sat Mar 9th, 2013 01:48 pm
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marc
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Teacher asks the kids in class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?
"Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
And you, Susie?
"I wanna be Johnny's bitch!"

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 Posted: Mon Mar 4th, 2013 11:52 pm
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marc
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Poor Guy



A man escaped from prison where he had been for 15 years. He broke into a house to look for money and guns and found a young couple in bed.
He ordered the guy out of bed and tied him to a chair. He then tied the girl to the bed got on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." "If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any sex lubricant. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

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 Posted: Mon Mar 4th, 2013 10:57 pm
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marc
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Cruel and horrible woman...

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 Posted: Sun Mar 3rd, 2013 11:41 pm
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the preacher
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Elderly couple are watching a program on end of life planning. He looks at her and says very gravely, "Honey, if I ever come to the point that I need machines and fluids to keep me alive, please promise me you will end it?" She says, "no problem at all, Dear." Then, she stands up, turns off the TV, and takes his beer to the kitchen and pours it down the drain...

RSDF

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 Posted: Sun Mar 3rd, 2013 09:40 pm
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jeffy ole boy
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OmG:shock: Big difference in those 2 words... LOL!!

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 Posted: Sun Mar 3rd, 2013 08:52 pm
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marc
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The Operation



"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.
Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!"

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 Posted: Sun Mar 3rd, 2013 05:37 pm
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jeffy ole boy
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Hhahhahaa!! Now that thar was funny!

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 Posted: Sun Mar 3rd, 2013 01:46 pm
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marc
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This may be a repeat...

The Difference Between Potential and Reality


One day, Little Johnny came home from school and asked his father, "Dad, what's the difference between potential and reality?" His father thought for just a moment and replied, "Son, go ask your mother, sister, and brother if they would sleep with Johnny Depp for $1 million dollars."
Little Johnny asks his mother, "Mom, would you sleep with Johnny Depp for a million bucks?" "Well son, the economy is down right now and we could really use the extra cash... Yeah, I guess I would, for the money."
Little Johnny asks his sister, "Sis, would you sleep with Johnny Depp for $1 million bucks?" "Hell yeah I would!"
Little Johnny then asks his brother, "Would you sleep with Johnny Depp for a million bucks?" "Well, uh, that's a lot of money, but I guess if no one knew, I guess I would, yes."
Little Johnny goes back to his father, and his father asks "Well son, what did you learn?" Little Johnny replied "Well Dad, potentially, were sitting on $3 million bucks, but in reality, were living with two whores and a queer.

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 Posted: Sun Feb 17th, 2013 07:04 pm
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jeffy ole boy
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Luved the dog one.. :D

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 Posted: Sun Feb 17th, 2013 03:29 pm
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marc
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A big city lawyer came to Oklahoma to hunt ducks. He hired an outfitter to assemble all the clothes, gear and guns for the trip. He also hired a guide to help him find the ducks. The lawyer fellow had plenty of very nice equipment, and saw a lot of birds, but his shooting skills left a lot to be desired. He took many shots, but couldn't seem to hit a duck.

On the fourth day afield, he finally hit a duck, and the duck fell to the ground across the fence line from where he was hunting. His guide told him that he shouldn't cross the fence, as they didn't have permission to enter the adjoining property. The lawyer didn't seem to think much of this advice, and proceeded toward the fence line.

As he struggled to get through the barbed wire, a scraggly old farmer pulled up on his tractor. The farmer told him that he was trespassing, and ordered him to leave the property. The lawyer informed him that he was just retrieving the duck that he had shot. The farmer replied that since the duck landed on his property, it belonged to him. The lawyer then proceeded to tell him that he was an attorney, and that if he didn't get the duck, he would sue the farmer. The farmer thought about that briefly, and then told the man that the court system was not how such a dispute is handled in his area. "The way we handle something like this around here, is we take turns kicking each other. I will kick you three times, then you kick me three times. Whoever gives up first loses".

The lawyer sized up the farmer, and decided that he didn't look very tough. "I'll do that", he told the farmer. The farmer told him to brace himself, then promptly kicked the lawyer in the nuts. This caused the lawyer to double over in pain. the farmer then immediately ran around behind him, and kicked him in the butt, knocking him to his knees. Finally, he delivered a blow to the side of his head, sending his face into a fresh pile of cow dung.

The lawyer was reeling from the blows, but managed to drag himself to his feet. "Alright, get ready", he told the farmer. "Never mind", replied the farmer. "You can keep the duck. It's a little greasy for my taste."
-------------------------------------------------------

Guy sits down on a park bench.

There’s another guy sitting there with a German Shepard next to him.

First guy says.. “Hey, does your dog bite?”

The other guy say’s “ Nope, friendly as can be.”

First guy reaches out to pet the dog and it bites the ssitouta him right down to the bone. He yells out “hey you asshole, you said your dog doesn’t bite.”

2nd guy says……. “That’s not my dog.”
----------------------------------------------------------

The value of a Catholic education and a pencil.



Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School .

Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe? '

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behindher, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty! ' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, ' Very good ' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, ' Who is our Lord and Savior? '

But Susie didn ' t stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!! ' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, ' Very good, ' and Susie fell backasleep..

The Nun asked her a third question... ' What did Eve say to Adam aftershe had her twenty-third child? '

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up andshouted,

'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I ' ll break it in

half! '

The nun fainted !

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 Posted: Sat Feb 16th, 2013 09:15 pm
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marc
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Girl & Guy In A University Library

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and found another table to sit at.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly over to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

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 Posted: Wed Feb 13th, 2013 11:42 pm
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Dave
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jeffy ole boy wrote:
A Very Touching Romantic Valentine's Day Story .......

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband the following text......

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

He replied........ "I'm taking a DUMP, What Should I Do?"


That's great!

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