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Joke of the day...
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 Posted: Wed Feb 13th, 2013 01:01 pm
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jeffy ole boy
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A Very Touching Romantic Valentine's Day Story .......

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband the following text......

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

He replied........ "I'm taking a DUMP, What Should I Do?"

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 Posted: Sat Feb 9th, 2013 11:23 am
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marc
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This may be a repeat...

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you.

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 Posted: Thu Feb 7th, 2013 11:09 pm
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jeffy ole boy
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Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.

"Do what?", asked Blonde #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

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 Posted: Mon Jan 21st, 2013 07:35 pm
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jeffy ole boy
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THE SNOW PLOW

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when a young teenage girl got caught in a blizzard. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears.

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 Posted: Fri Dec 28th, 2012 01:52 pm
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marc
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My Garmin...

I have a little Garmin
It sits there in my car
A Garmin is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Garmin
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Garmin is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off!

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 Posted: Wed Dec 26th, 2012 12:40 am
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marc
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Confession



Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

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 Posted: Mon Dec 24th, 2012 06:42 pm
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marc
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THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER:



A long, long time ago, an old prospector shuffled into the town of Fort Worth Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the main saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... But... I've always wanted to."

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 Posted: Sun Dec 23rd, 2012 09:39 pm
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marc
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Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism. Earl then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but, I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister..."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store, an F150 Ford pickup, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.

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 Posted: Sun Dec 23rd, 2012 02:27 pm
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marc
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I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses.

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

Last edited on Sun Dec 23rd, 2012 03:24 pm by marc

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 Posted: Thu Dec 13th, 2012 09:29 pm
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jeffy ole boy
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A 75 year old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
 
The female doctor says, I’m going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,'99'.
 
The old guy obeys and says,'99'.
 
The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,'99'.
 
Again, the old guy says,'99'
 
The doctor said, Very good.Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say,'99'.
 
And the old guy begins ..,"One.Two three"

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 Posted: Tue Dec 11th, 2012 11:45 am
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jeffy ole boy
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An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit from the trees.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him that they were not coming out of the water until he left. The old man called out, I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked. Holding the bucket up he said, I'm here to feed the alligator.

Some old men can still think fast.

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 Posted: Fri Dec 7th, 2012 01:45 am
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Dave
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jeffy ole boy wrote:
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, Dad,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my i-Pad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...


Damn, that was an expensive fly shatter...LOL

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 Posted: Thu Dec 6th, 2012 06:33 pm
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jeffy ole boy
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I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, Dad,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my i-Pad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

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 Posted: Sat Dec 1st, 2012 02:34 pm
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marc
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An Arab Muslim enters a taxi cab in Dallas, Texas . . .

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to “turn off the radio, because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion; and in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is music of the infidel's, and certainly no radio.”

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the side, stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: “What are you doing, man?”

The Texan answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get out, stand on the curb and wait for a camel.”

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 Posted: Thu Nov 29th, 2012 12:34 pm
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Vero Steve
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I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you 'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I 'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

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 Posted: Thu Nov 29th, 2012 11:59 am
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Vero Steve
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I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

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 Posted: Thu Nov 29th, 2012 10:16 am
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lytle
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Now that's family comedy.

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 Posted: Wed Nov 28th, 2012 11:53 am
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Vero Steve
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LMAO.....

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 Posted: Wed Nov 28th, 2012 12:04 am
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marc
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LOL...

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 Posted: Mon Nov 26th, 2012 01:44 pm
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jeffy ole boy
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the preacher wrote: Mother's Milk....funny!



Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term
exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

Excellent, LOL!!

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