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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Jan 16th, 2006 06:45 pm |
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GOLFING MISHAP
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered a tender and artful massage for five or ten minutes after which she asked, "How does that feel?"
"He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
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Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 934 |
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Posted: Mon Jan 16th, 2006 04:13 pm |
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zippo wrote: Must be in Florida ... I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
Thats not all that funny down here....Its a true statement for alot of drivers here....
Too many people with blue hair that cant see and they do have thier licenses......
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Jan 16th, 2006 03:47 pm |
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| Must be in Florida ... I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Jan 14th, 2006 12:32 am |
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Three rats are sittin in a bar havin drinks and talkin 'bout how tough they are.
First rat throws back a shot of whiskey and tells the others he's so tough that when the rat trap trips, he just catches the spring bar as it's coming down on him, does twenty bench presses, and goes on about his business.
The second rat throws back two shots of whiskey and says, "Hell that's nothing...I go 'round the house gatherin up all the rat poison, crush it up into a powder, and snort it...hardly gives me a buzz anymore."
The third rat looks at 'em, and says "I'd like to hang 'round here and bullshit with you two all day, but I gotta go home and bang the cat."
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jan 12th, 2006 08:49 pm |
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Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jan 12th, 2006 07:58 pm |
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| LMAO Empty.....I know pretty lame...but they made me chuckle
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1831 |
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Posted: Thu Jan 12th, 2006 07:12 pm |
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Babe wrote: A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
A priest, a rabbi, and a buddist walk into a bar and the bartender says "what is this, a joke?"
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Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jan 12th, 2006 06:56 pm |
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A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
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Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jan 12th, 2006 06:55 pm |
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I went to a seafood disco last week . . . and pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1831 |
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Posted: Thu Jan 12th, 2006 01:42 pm |
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Useful Phrases to Know When Traveling in Muslim Areas
AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
FEKR GABUL GARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE.
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRIKAHEY.
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies traveling as reporters.
BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!
Whatever you say!
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELLEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.
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Vero Steve
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Jan 11th, 2006 01:52 pm |
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Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into
all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications
such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5, Farting
99.9, and Racing 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my
favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 ,
but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
___________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also
impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once
installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child
Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the
situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 ,
Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the
only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Jan 10th, 2006 02:01 pm |
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Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are a French guy, an American guy, a old Greek lady and a young blonde Swiss girl. The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: The Frenchman must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde thinks: That Frenchman must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The Frenchman thinks: The American must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The American thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that Frenchman again.
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Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Jan 8th, 2006 06:16 pm |
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REDNECK TIP OF THE WEEK:
Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop,
place an order, and when they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with
them!
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Jan 6th, 2006 03:44 pm |
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| I think I may be repeating my self, but before 60 i used to get semi-annual hardons, now O get annual semi-hardons - I think.
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Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Jan 6th, 2006 03:35 am |
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We have a friend who has the same thought on the wedding cake..... lol
This is why Mike and I dont marry....we are both afraid of wedding cake!
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Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 934 |
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Posted: Fri Jan 6th, 2006 03:18 am |
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| No, I think its something in the wedding cake that kills the female sex drive after a month........LOL
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Jan 6th, 2006 03:07 am |
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marc wrote:
Randy in Pensacola wrote: marc wrote: Not goin there....LOL.... Im married, the only thing its used for is pissing.............LOL Yeah...I know what you mean....LOL...
Did we all marry sisters?
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Jan 6th, 2006 02:05 am |
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Randy in Pensacola wrote: marc wrote: Not goin there....LOL.... Im married, the only thing its used for is pissing.............LOL Yeah...I know what you mean....LOL...
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Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 934 |
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Posted: Thu Jan 5th, 2006 09:53 pm |
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marc wrote: Not goin there....LOL.... Im married, the only thing its used for is pissing.............LOL
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weasle
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jan 5th, 2006 09:48 pm |
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| uh o this is gonna get ugly. LMAO.
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