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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jan 5th, 2006 09:47 pm |
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| Not goin there....LOL....
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Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 934 |
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Posted: Thu Jan 5th, 2006 09:43 pm |
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| whats a hard on?????????
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Jan 5th, 2006 09:42 pm |
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| How do ya piss with a hard on???
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Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 934 |
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Posted: Thu Jan 5th, 2006 08:59 pm |
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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill. The pharmacist asked "How many? The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy. The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes.
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Jan 4th, 2006 04:45 pm |
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Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old friend John, "How come you aren't married?"
John: "I haven't found the right woman yet."
George: "So what are you looking for?"
John: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, - a good cook and house keeper, she's got to know how to handle money, have a nice and pleasant personality -- and money, she's got to have money, and a nice big house wouldn't hurt either."
George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!"
John: "Oh, it's okay, if she is crazy."
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Jan 4th, 2006 02:02 pm |
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I know it's old, but I think it's funny:
Ginsu Patel comes to the United States from India. He's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor.
The doctor says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Ginsu takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and breathes in the fumes for ten minutes.
Then he comes back to the doctor and says, "It worked! I feel terrific. What was it?"
The doctor says, "You were homesick."
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Jan 3rd, 2006 08:33 pm |
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Three guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat. Ed says "What
should we do?"
Bill says, "You better jump in after him, he's been under water for a while, he might need some help."
So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He says, "Help me get him in the boat."
They wrestle Fred back into the boat. Ed says, "What do we do now, it doesn't look like he's breathing."
Bill says, "Give him mouth to mouth."
Ed starts to blow air into Fred's mouth and says, "Whoa, I don't remember Fred having such bad breath."
Bill says, "Come to think of it, I don't think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either."
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Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Jan 3rd, 2006 04:12 pm |
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Cute Zippo... *rolls eyes* lol
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Jan 3rd, 2006 04:08 pm |
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THE POTATO
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato
had eyes for each other,
and finally they got married,
and had a little sweet potato,
which they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time,
they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out
and getting half-baked,
so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed,
and get a bad name for herself like
'Hot Potato,'
and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. [size=4 back="#ffffff" pt][size="14" family="SCRIPT"] [size=5 back="#ffffff" pt][size="18" family="SANSSERIF"]
Yam said not to worry,
no Spud would get her into
the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand
she wouldn't stay home
and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise
so as not to be skinny
like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe,
Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam
to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.
And the greasy guys from France
called the French Fries.
And when she went out west,
to watch out for the Indians
so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on
the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate
with those high class Yukon Golds,
or the ones from the other side of the tracks
who advertise their trade
on all the trucks that say,
'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho PU.
(that's Potato University)
so that when she graduated
she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her,
one-day Yam came home and announced
she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't
possibly marry Tom Brokaw
because he's just.......
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
*
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OK! Here it is!
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A COMMON TATER
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Mikey
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Jan 3rd, 2006 03:15 pm |
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Jan 2nd, 2006 02:34 pm |
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Three couples went to see a minister to find out how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all.
The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.
The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"A can of paint?!?" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Dec 31st, 2005 01:52 pm |
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With all the recent news concerning airline safety lately, I thought that I'd share this one with you....
For Airline People
Pet Store:
A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a manager from Hawaiian Airlines People Services Group walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a mechanic monkey, please."
The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the manager saying, "That'll be $1,000." The manager paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that was a mechanic monkey. He can rig aircraft flight controls, service aircraft on turns, work one engines, and perform all general maintenance functions, and does it with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money."
The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more Expensive --$10,000! What does it do?"
Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey; it can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the hangar and on the line, schedule major overhauls, and is proficient with many computer programs. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world could it do?"
"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his dick, but his papers say he's a Pilot...."
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Dec 29th, 2005 07:48 pm |
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Some high school coaches went to a coaches' retreat. To save money, they had to room together.
No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first coach slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different coach's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was an ex-football player, and quite a big guy.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning."
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. Right before I turned the lights out, I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Dec 28th, 2005 12:23 pm |
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Stole these from another board...
**********************************************************
Three guys ran into a really hot girl, they asked the girl to have sex with them.
She said "yes, but only if we do one person at a time"
The first guy walks in and starts taking his cloths off, then all of the sudden the girl grew horns out of her head and then he jumped out the window.
The 2nd guy came in and started doing it, then he ran away becuase of the horns.
The 3rd guy came in and said "oh look, handle bars."
**********************************************************
I was telling my friends, after a long hard day I work, I went home, stormed in the house, walked straight into the bedroom and ripped my girlfriends panties off.
She said, "what did you do that for."
I said, "Cause, the ride up in my crack and they hurt."
**********************************************************
A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand. The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Dec 24th, 2005 02:27 pm |
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| Nice that could agree on something....LOL...
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Dec 24th, 2005 02:23 pm |
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A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state.
The U.S.Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The U.S.Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!"
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!"
"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
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Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 934 |
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Posted: Fri Dec 23rd, 2005 07:44 pm |
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We've all heard about people (Men) having guts or balls.
But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below:
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
Have you got a place I can sleep, for a while ?
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Dec 22nd, 2005 05:43 pm |
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A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols
He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.
The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.
The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.
Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing
"Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Dec 22nd, 2005 04:40 pm |
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Nope... No lights on the tower...
But, this guy is animated and sings while he dances. Gotta remote control to set
him off, and he goes off when people walk past the house. LOL...
http://www.e-neighborhood.net/neighborhood/230/FSLO-1135269408-282230.JPGLast edited on Wed Dec 28th, 2005 12:24 pm by Dave |
zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Dec 22nd, 2005 04:30 pm |
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A BEEKER Christmas
Attachment: christmaspc.jpg (Downloaded 146 times)
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