 |
| Author | Post |
|---|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Thu Dec 15th, 2005 04:51 pm |
|
| LOL...That was great!!!!!
|
zippo
Supporter
|
Posted: Thu Dec 15th, 2005 04:46 pm |
|
A Christmas poem for Tookie
Twas the night before Christmas and all through San Quentin,
the crips were protesting, and liberals were ventin'.
The cyanide hung by the chamber wth care, in hopes that the reaper soon would be there.
The inmates were nestled all snug in their bed,
except for Old Tookie, who soon would be dead
And me with my beer mug, dressed warm in my flannell, had curled up to watch it, on the Fox News Channel.
I set up my TIVO to record the news station, and thoroughly loved the momentous occasion.
It seemed lady justice had gotten her way, and that there would be one less savage today.
When outside the jail there arose such a clatter, the cameras had turned to see what was the matter.
When what to my civilized eyes did appear, but a lineup of actors, all liberal, half queer.
The misguided freaks drew some curious looks, as they proclaimed his innocence, clutching his books.
The tears then flew out from Sarandon's eyes, as she nominated him again for the Nobel Peace Prize.
The actors were tethered to an ACLU sleigh, all towing the line of the urban decay.
On Asner, on Penn, on liberal cop-haters,On Sharpton, on Jesse and other race-baiters.
Then at 3:01 all curled up like a beetle, Tookie cried like a bitch as they gave him the needle.
When up from the actors there arose such a cry, they had failed in their mission, and Tookie DID DIE !!
I heard Bill O'Reilly say, as I turned out my light, Merry Christmas to all ... there was justice tonight !!
>
|
Dave
Supporter
|
Posted: Thu Dec 15th, 2005 02:29 am |
|
Little Johnny was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
After the first day, little Johnny comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Johnny is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Johnny brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Johnny got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Johnny looks at her and shakes his head "No".
"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".
Little Johnny looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.
|
Dave
Supporter
|
Posted: Wed Dec 14th, 2005 05:23 pm |
|
Police Answering Machine
http://mypages.championbroadband.com/vip/~dmiller/policeansweringmachine.wma
|
Mikey
Supporter
|
Posted: Wed Dec 14th, 2005 01:50 am |
|
How to Poop at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Mon Dec 12th, 2005 01:04 pm |
|
"Fundamental differences between left and right"
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After
the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies:
"I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week" The florist is pleased
and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber
goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen
roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes
to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I
cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community
service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the
shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up
there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting
for him at his door.
Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when
he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm
sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week." The Republican is
very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when
the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card
and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve
Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."
Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he
goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry,
I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community
service this week." The Democrat is very happy and
leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber
goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined
up waiting for a free haircut.
|
Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 934 |
|
Posted: Sat Dec 10th, 2005 04:35 pm |
|
id=role_document id=role_document id=role_document id=role_document id=role_document id=role_document id=role_document id=role_document id=role_document id=role_document id=role_document
[size="18" family="SANSSERIF"] Real domain names that should maybe have had some more thought....
1) Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com[size=5 back="#ffffff" pt][size="18" family="SANSSERIF"]
[size="18" family="SANSSERIF"] 2) Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views: http://www.expertsexchange.com[size="18" family="SANSSERIF"]
[size="18" family="SANSSERIF"]3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:[size="18" family="SANSSERIF"]
http://www.penisland.net[size="18" family="SANSSERIF"]
[size="18" family="SANSSERIF"] 4) Need a therapist? http://www.therapistfinder.com[size="18" family="SANSSERIF"]
[size="18" family="SANSSERIF"]5) Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:[size="18" family="SANSSERIF"]
http://www.molestationnursery.com[size="18" family="SANSSERIF"]
[size="18" family="SANSSERIF"] 6) Gas central heating anyone? http://www.gasheating.co.uk[size=5 back="#ffffff" pt][size="18" family="SANSSERIF"]
[size="18" family="SANSSERIF"] 7) New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-line
with Power-Gen? http://www.powergenitalia.com/[size=5 back="#ffffff" pt][size="18" family="SANSSERIF"]
|
Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 934 |
|
Posted: Sat Dec 10th, 2005 12:38 am |
|
A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager.The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,
"And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?""Canada, sir," the boy replied."Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.""Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table.He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one mean biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk."
A girl came skipping home from school one day."Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!
Very good, said her Mother.Is it because I'm blonde? "Yes, it's because your blonde," said the Mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
" Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"Very Good," said her Mother.Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"Yes it's because your blond!"
The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's."Very good," said her embarrassed mother."Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?""No Honey, it's because you're 24."
|
zippo
Supporter
|
Posted: Fri Dec 9th, 2005 04:24 pm |
|
OK, here's something cute enought that Babe will appreciate
How Kids See Things
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
! Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the
back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the
garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom
and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming
little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the
toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then
asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The
various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the
next morning."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they
won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.
" What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
[size= ]
|
Dave
Supporter
|
Posted: Fri Dec 9th, 2005 03:46 pm |
|
SCHOOL LESSON
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind,
Two, you didn't read your homework,
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
------------------------------------------------------------
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied "No, I appreciate you: the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Two couples went out golfing together. The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box.
The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process. No one commented.
She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just a little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance.
She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"
One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!" Last edited on Fri Dec 9th, 2005 04:07 pm by Dave |
Dave
Supporter
|
Posted: Wed Dec 7th, 2005 09:26 pm |
|
According to Jay Leno, there's "A new study says that it actually takes men longer to shop on the internet then it does for them to shop in an actual store."
No Kidding! There's no naked women at the stores."
Last edited on Wed Dec 7th, 2005 09:27 pm by Dave |
zippo
Supporter
|
Posted: Tue Dec 6th, 2005 09:20 pm |
|
Why Italians Can't be Paramedics
Luigi and Salvatore are out in the woods
hunting when suddenly Salvatore grabs his chest and
falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing;
his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Luigi whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "I think Salvatore is dead!
What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says,
"Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First,
let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence...... and then a shot is
heard.
Luigi's voice comes back on the line, "Okay,
now what?"
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Tue Dec 6th, 2005 12:32 am |
|
| LOL....That was good Mikey....
|
Mikey
Supporter
|
Posted: Mon Dec 5th, 2005 09:32 pm |
|
Go to google.com
type in french military victories
Press the " I'm feeling lucky " search button.
Have a nice day..LMAO
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Sat Dec 3rd, 2005 01:31 pm |
|
Girlfriends
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with big breasts.
|
Dave
Supporter
|
Posted: Tue Nov 29th, 2005 07:05 pm |
|
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."
|
Dave
Supporter
|
Posted: Mon Nov 28th, 2005 02:11 pm |
|
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
------------------------------------------------------------
So my dad was having "that" conversation with me when I was about 12 or 13. He said that if you masturbate you’ll go blind.
I said, "I’m over here, Dad..."
------------------------------------------------------------
The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.
Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't got no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all the fucking crayons?"
|
marc
Supporter
|
Posted: Wed Nov 23rd, 2005 09:03 pm |
|
| LOL...Love it...
|
Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 934 |
|
Posted: Wed Nov 23rd, 2005 08:34 pm |
|
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle the truth !
|
zippo
Supporter
|
Posted: Wed Nov 23rd, 2005 04:25 pm |
|
| Makes me want to act like a lesbian!
|
|
|
|
|
|
