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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Oct 7th, 2005 09:40 pm |
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Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a
grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr.
Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been
a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot
when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything
more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do,
he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorn ey?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster too He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one
of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the
bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either
of you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your
sorry asses in jail for contempt."
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Mikey
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Oct 7th, 2005 07:43 pm |
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| ROFLMFAO!!!!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Oct 7th, 2005 07:37 pm |
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| Ain't that the truth....LOL...ROTFLMAO....
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Oct 7th, 2005 07:10 pm |
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Got this from http://www.snopes.com
Thought it fit pretty well. Unfortunately, it's an "Urban Legend"...
The Reverend Jesse Jackson was holding a press conference in the appliance department of a Sears store in Chicago. He was there to protest the fact that all the washing machines were white.
So the clerk called the store manager, who asked, "What's the problem here, Reverend?" Jesse pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that all of them were white.
The manager replied, "Well, Reverend, it's true that all the washing machines are white, but if you'll open the lids, you'll see that all the agitators are black."
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Oct 7th, 2005 02:04 pm |
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Man:"I have seen you looking at me all night and I know I make you think of sex."
Woman:"Yeah, 'cause you look like a prick."
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weasle
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Oct 7th, 2005 01:29 pm |
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| sounds like me and most other grandpas i know. LMAO
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1632 |
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Posted: Fri Oct 7th, 2005 01:26 pm |
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A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big boobs."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Oct 6th, 2005 07:05 pm |
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Dave wrote: The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like to have you sitting next to me when I'm driving." LOL....ROTFLMAO.....Yeah I can identify with that.....Old girlfriend drove me frickin nuts.....
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Oct 6th, 2005 06:31 pm |
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This one has a couple of response that I can think of...
Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy.
"What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively.
Response (A) "Well," he mused, "I'd have to say that you're a lesbian!"
Response (B) "Well," he mused, "I'd have to say 'Bad Dog!!'"
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Oct 6th, 2005 06:29 pm |
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like to have you sitting next to me when I'm driving."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Oct 6th, 2005 05:20 pm |
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| A man and a women are driving on a narrow and winding road, separate cars heading in the opposite direction. as they pass each other she screams, "PIG" so he yells "BITCH" they continue along the way but as he turns the corner he hits a pig.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Oct 6th, 2005 03:18 pm |
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| LOL....Not for me...Sounds like something Jacque would enjoy....I will not even go on a roller coaster...Getting the shit scared out of me is not my idea of a good time... Last edited on Thu Oct 6th, 2005 03:22 pm by marc |
zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Oct 6th, 2005 02:47 pm |
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Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to "Milk Duds," your sense of humor is broken.
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Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have ... John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...
Move to Guam.
Change your name.
Fake your own death!
Whatever you do .
Do Not Go!!!
I know. The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.
Whatever you're thinkin g a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-feet, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.
Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting ....." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff."
Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.
"Bananas," he said.
"For the potassium?" I asked.
"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."
The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot . but, still, ver y cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.
A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.
Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.
Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, sap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.
We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weigh t was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.
And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before.
And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two.
Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.
I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.
A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.
What is it? I asked.
"Two Bags."
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Vero Steve
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Oct 5th, 2005 05:46 pm |
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| ROTFLMBO...............
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Oct 5th, 2005 04:07 pm |
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| LOL....I don't care either.....
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Oct 5th, 2005 03:35 pm |
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President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar..
A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims"
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Oct 5th, 2005 02:48 pm |
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An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either."
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Oct 4th, 2005 07:10 pm |
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empty wrote:
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by noting, "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed.
"OH NO!!", exclaimed the president, "that's terrible!!"
His staff sits, stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, watching nervously as the president sits, head in hands...
Finally, George looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
MT
ROTFLMAO!!!
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Oct 4th, 2005 07:08 pm |
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A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED,SWEATING AND PANTING. "WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS. "I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN. HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS 4-YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!" THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE,AND RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE CLOSET FLOOR."YOU ROTTEN S.O.B.," SAYS THE HUSBAND, "MY WIFE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!"
SEND THIS TO FIVE BRIGHT, FUNNY WOMEN YOU KNOW AND MAKETHEIR DAY! and to to men who can take it...
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Sep 30th, 2005 05:08 pm |
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LOL.. That cat doesn't look happy...
Here's a pretty good Halloween Costume...
 Last edited on Fri Sep 30th, 2005 05:13 pm by Dave |
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