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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Nov 10th, 2005 03:10 pm |
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Older than dirt, but still good for a chuckle...
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and
goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck: If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
The wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too."
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Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 934 |
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Posted: Thu Nov 10th, 2005 01:38 am |
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How to say 'I love you' in 22 languages and
>> dialects.....
>>
>>
>> English
>> I Love You
>>
>> Spanish
>> Te Amo
>>
>> French
>> Je T'aime
>>
>> German
>> lch Liebe Dich
>>
>> Japanese
>> Ai Shite Imasu
>>
>> Italian
>> Ti Amo
>>
>> Swedish
>> Jag Alskar
>>
>> Alabama
>> Arkansas
>> Oklahoma
>> Texas
>> North Carolina
>> South Carolina
>> Georgia
>> Tennessee
>> Mississippi
>> Missouri
>> Louisiana
>> Virginia
>> West Virginia
>> Kentucky
>> & parts of Florida
>>
>> Nice Ass. Get in the truck
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Nov 9th, 2005 08:42 pm |
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| Women, Ya can't ever makem happy Attachment: sittin to pee.JPG (Downloaded 143 times)
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Nov 4th, 2005 05:00 pm |
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| ROTFLMAO........
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1829 |
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Posted: Fri Nov 4th, 2005 04:57 pm |
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A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a
quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The
dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking,
shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman
in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading
her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion,
she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the
newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes
her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles
and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a
few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which
the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman
hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar
without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects,
the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you
a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies. "Divorce Attorney."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Nov 3rd, 2005 05:47 pm |
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| Groan.....Sorry Dave....
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Nov 3rd, 2005 05:24 pm |
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I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line... just one guy in front of me...
The guy in front of me was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars, and he was a little agitated... he asked the teller,
"Why it change. Yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hun and eighty? Why it change?"
The teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys, too!" Last edited on Thu Nov 3rd, 2005 05:24 pm by Dave |
marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Nov 3rd, 2005 05:13 pm |
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| ROTFLMAO.....
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Nov 3rd, 2005 04:35 pm |
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Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up in the morning with a Vagina:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do a split.
7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
6. Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes
5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more
without sleeping first.
4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.
3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.
And the # 1 thing a man would do is:
1. Finally find that damn G-spot.
Top 10 things a woman would do if she woke up in the morning with a
penis:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.
6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it
may be to others.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny
as it looks.
2. Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between
man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member.
And the # 1 thing a woman would do is:
1. Repeat # 9.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Nov 1st, 2005 12:57 pm |
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"Welcome to America"
A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new
immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he
sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr.
American for letting me in this country!"
But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am
Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.
"Thank you for having such a beautiful country
here in America!"
The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next
person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank
you for the wonderfull America!"
That person puts up his hand and says "I am from
Middle East, I am not an American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks
suspiciously,
"Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Russia!"
So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all
the Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her
watch, shrugs, and says...
"Probably at work."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Oct 29th, 2005 03:48 pm |
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161 Condom Slogans
1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her
21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It's always funky to cage your monkey
51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
53) It's not much money to catch your honey
54) Don't be a fool cover your tool
55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch
56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche
57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive
59) Contain that sputum before you use him
60) Restrain your log then plow her bog
61) Glove your pecker before you check her
62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her
63) Condomize then womanize (or sodomize)
64) Cover old pete then grind her meat
65) Guard your peter before you meet her
66) Check your list before you tryst
67) Wrap your bate before you mate
68) Can your worm before you squirm
69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
71) Bag the mole then do her hole
72) Cuff your carrot before you share it
73) Jail your number then call the plumber
74) Cover your vein then drive her insane
75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink
77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry
79) Wrap that spout then bore her out
80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain
81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge >
82) Shroud your trout then make her shout
83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers
85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout
86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
87) Cover your steamer before you ream her
88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
91) Clothe the boner before you hone her
92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
93) Cork your pump or you don't hump
94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs
95) Dress that erection to make a deflection
96) Contain that shanker before you spank her
97) Cap that seeder before you breed her
98) Stop the stream before you cream
99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
100) Protect your screw to catch that glue
101) Package your meat for a real neat treat
102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun
103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her
104) Garage the tractor then attack her
105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her
106) Sock that wanger before you bang her
107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser
108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good
109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke
110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate
111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
113) Catch that goat before it bloats
114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen
115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her
116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk
117) Wrap that rod then please her bod
118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife
119) House that bottle then mash her throttle
120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash
121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
122) Can your knob then throb her swab
123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer then impail her
126) Rope your dope then make some soap
127) Net your salamander then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch
135) Shield your rocks then pond her box
136) Cover old sly then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If your nude tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter then go split her
141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her
142) Can your spam then bam that mam
143) Corral your ram then slice her ham
144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver
145) Twist your wick then stick that prick
146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart
147) Shed old spot then do her slot
148) Drawer your pip then split her lips
149) Contain that leach then mash her peach
150) Bag your elm then take the helm
151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem
152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these
153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot
154) Survey your land then plant her stand
155) Before you drive her protect that diver
156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt
157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her
158) Cover you post then slice her roast
159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey
160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
161) Contain that viper before you pipe her
Harley Davidson
This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"
Last edited on Sat Oct 29th, 2005 03:53 pm by marc |
Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Oct 29th, 2005 03:20 pm |
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marc wrote:
Not Bad....
LOL.. Yeah, I saw it on another board and thought it was good enough to share...
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Oct 29th, 2005 02:39 pm |
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| Not Bad....
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Oct 29th, 2005 12:13 pm |
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Breast or Bottle Fed??
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Oct 27th, 2005 02:59 pm |
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A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Oct 26th, 2005 11:23 am |
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A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and he has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" her husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Oct 25th, 2005 09:20 pm |
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zippo wrote:
Dave wrote: I know you're just a lesbian trapped in a mans body.
Ya figured me out... ROTFLMAO!!
Last edited on Tue Oct 25th, 2005 09:20 pm by Dave |
zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Oct 25th, 2005 09:13 pm |
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Dave wrote: What your sleeping position says about you:
------------------------------------------------------------
Why is so hard to make love to a ninety year old woman?
It's like trying to pull a grilled cheese sandwich apart.
EEEWWWW! Ruined my lunch.
Dave do ya take all those Cosmo quizes I hear about?
I know you're just a lesbian trapped in a mans body.
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Oct 25th, 2005 09:10 pm |
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Golf Balls
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful young blonde woman.
Puzzled, the woman kept looking at him and his bulging pants pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, the man looked at her and said, "It's golf balls".
The woman nodded, but continued to glance at the front of his trousers. Finally, no longer able to contain her curiousity, she asked him, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Oct 25th, 2005 08:27 pm |
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Dave wrote: According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you.
ROTFLMAO....Well Dave...We did not know you were a Cosmo kinda guy....Anything more ya want to tell us????
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