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| Author | Post |
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Oct 25th, 2005 06:48 pm |
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What your sleeping position says about you:
According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you.
They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.
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Why is so hard to make love to a ninety year old woman?
It's like trying to pull a grilled cheese sandwich apart.
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Oct 24th, 2005 08:30 pm |
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Might be a bit of truth here
http://www.jibjab.com/Home.aspx
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Oct 23rd, 2005 09:27 pm |
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A Blonde Finally Wins
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
24 hours
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"
Last edited on Sun Oct 23rd, 2005 09:36 pm by marc |
Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Oct 21st, 2005 03:46 pm |
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Ok I am done now....lol...Happy Freakin Friday! 
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Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Oct 21st, 2005 03:44 pm |
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> Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and
> falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed
> in a cowl standing in front of his bed.
> "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?.. and who are you?" he asked.
> "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in
> heaven."
> "WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.. I'm too young." said
> Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
> "It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen.
> You can choose on your own..."
>
> Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too
> tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and r! elaxed life. Running around with
> a rooster can't be that bad.
> "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found
> himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered.
> But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow.. then along came
> the rooster.
> "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"
>
> "Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
> "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you
> never laid an egg before??"
> "No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
> "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
> Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop'
> and an egg was on the ground.
>
> "Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!"
> So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet
> another egg on t! he ground.
> The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
> "Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed.
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Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Oct 21st, 2005 03:42 pm |
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Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE (or PMS) does it
> > > take to change a light
> > > bulb?
> > >
> > > A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because
> > > no one else in this
> > > house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't
> > > even know that the
> > > bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for
> > > THREE DAYS before
> > > they figured it out. And, once they figured it out,
> > > they wouldn't be
> > > able to find the #&%!light bulbs despite the fact
> > > that they've been in
> > > the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they
> > > did, by some miracle
> > > of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair
> > > they dragged to
> > > stand on to change the STUPIDl ight bulb would STILL
> > > BE IN THE SAME
> > > SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
> > > THE LIGHT BULBS CAME
> > > IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE
> > > GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE
> > > HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE
> > > THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP
> > > THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY
> > > TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!
> > > AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE
> > > TOILET PAPER ROLL !! .
> > > . ..
> > >
> > > I'm sorry. What was the question?
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Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Oct 21st, 2005 03:30 pm |
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The Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman ! says, "So.... you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
nothing left , but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of
our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are evil.
Don't mess with us!
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Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Oct 21st, 2005 03:29 pm |
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Thing I have learned from watching the news on TV
during
>the last few weeks:
>
>
> The hurricane only hit black family's property
>
>
> New Orleans was devastated and no other city was
>affected by the hurricane
>
>
> Mississippi is reported to have a tree blown down
>
>
> New Orleans has no white people
>
>
> The hurricane blew a limb off a tree in the yard of
an
>Alabama resident
>
>
> When you are hungry after a hurricane steal a big
screen
>TV
>
>
> The hurricane did 23 billion dollars in improvements
to
>New Orleans: now the city is welfare, looters and gang free and they
are in
>your city.
>
>
> White folks don't make good news stories
>
>
> ! Don't give thanks to the thousands that came to help
>rescue you, instead bitch because the government hasn't given you a
debit
>card yet
>
>
> Only black family members got separated in the
hurricane
>rescue efforts
>
>
> Ignore warnings to evacuate and the white folks will
come
>get you and give you money for being stupid
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Oct 20th, 2005 08:17 pm |
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Three fags are sitting together. One farts... whoosh. The next one farts... whoosh. Then the third one farts - it sounds like a Bronx cheer.
"Well, now we know who the virgin is now, don't we!" the first fag says to the second.
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Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Oct 20th, 2005 03:05 pm |
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*ignores the liberace comment*...lol I aint admitting anything!
Steve...look at it this way......most young men these days will not be able to afford gas for a van! So your daughters will prolly be safe! lol
My Father told me....I was never to bring home a guy who had a van...long hair...or tattoos! And the first guy I brought home(of course)had all three! He ended up liking the guy just fine, after scaring the crap outta the poor guy numerous times!
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Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 934 |
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Posted: Thu Oct 20th, 2005 01:20 pm |
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| The back of my van had on it " Dont laugh, it might be your daughter"... Yup, we are definitly getting some pay back....
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Vero Steve
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Oct 20th, 2005 12:58 pm |
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| In 1972 I had a 67 Chevy Cargo van, painted it black with Cragar wheels. Had a little devil on the back door with the logo SIN BIN under the devil........I really impressed a lot girls dads with that...LOL........................You Think God is getting even with me for those days and gave me a house full of girls??????????,
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Oct 20th, 2005 01:49 am |
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My son was concieved in a van...LOL... I loved that van. I had more fun in that thing...
C'mon Babe, Admit it...
The Liberace joke was funny... 
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Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Oct 20th, 2005 12:59 am |
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zippo wrote: GROANER!
A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl yelled, "Whip me. Whip me!"
The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in a sadomasochistic ecstasy.
A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them out.
The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?" Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.
The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring... this is the worst case of 'Van Aerial Disease' I've ever seen!"
*rolls eyes*....that was as bad as Dave's Liberace joke!! LOL
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Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 934 |
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Posted: Thu Oct 20th, 2005 12:16 am |
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| I always had a van since I was 18....Now that Im 39 I gave my van to my 20 year old son...Told him I hope its as much fun for you as it was for me..It was always fun to watch my dates parents when I pulled up in a van...Now that my step daughter is getting married next Saturday and my daughter is living with a guy. neither one of them can afford a car....So I guess the cycle is broken now...No vans for my daughters...hahahahahahaha
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Oct 19th, 2005 11:47 pm |
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GROANER!
A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl yelled, "Whip me. Whip me!"
The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in a sadomasochistic ecstasy.
A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them out.
The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?" Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.
The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring... this is the worst case of 'Van Aerial Disease' I've ever seen!"
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Oct 19th, 2005 02:02 am |
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| Reminds me of another tampon joke....Black guy was walking in the desert and finds a lamp...Rubs it and a genie appears and says thanx for lettin me out a here...Ya got 1 wish...Black guy says I wants to be white, uptight and out a sight...Poof...He turns into a tampon...
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Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Oct 18th, 2005 09:26 pm |
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| ROTFLMAO....good point Zippo!
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Oct 18th, 2005 08:34 pm |
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A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the
Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his
last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the
sand several yards ahead of him.
>
> He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand,
and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out
pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID
badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
>
> "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I
work. You have three wishes."
>
> "I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm
not going to trust an IRS genie."
>
> "What do you have to lose? You've got no
transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
>
> The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and
decides that the genie is right.
>
> "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of
food and drink."
>
> ***POOF***
>
> The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis
he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters
of delicacies.
>
> "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
>
> "My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest
dreams."
>
> ***POOF***
>
> The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure
chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
>
> "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better
make it a good one
> After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...
"I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and
need me."
>
> ***POOF***
>
> He turned into a tampon.
>
> The moral of the story:
>
> If the government offers you anything, there's going
to be a string
> attached.
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Oct 18th, 2005 04:38 pm |
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Thanks, it is good to be back. Pix will follow in a while. DC is great BUT expensive even though all the museums and zoo and all the monments and memorials are free. Air and Space museum is really good stuff. Actually finally getting to the Wall was a bit anticlimatic. I had dreaded it for so long, but it wasn't as bad as I had imagined. I did leave my VN vet cap with Big Red One and Sgts rank pins on it.
What kept bothering me was everytime i saw one on those government buildings (which was every 10 minutes) all I could see is our flipping tax dollars flying out the roof.
We were there for the million man march memorial or what ever it was billed as. I am no expert, but i would guess at between 40 - 50K people. I didn't go down there just watched it on CSPAN.
The people we ran into were all very nice, I guess I was surprised after all I had heard about DC.
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