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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Sep 1st, 2005 07:00 pm |
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More You might be a redneck if...
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* You've run out of room on your arm from the tattoos of all your wives' names.
* You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud and rust is all that's holding it together.
* People mistakenly come to your house thinking you’re having a yard sale.
* You've ever told the local sheriff that you smell a pig and he replies, "I knew I should have taken a shower after I slopped the hogs today."
* Your idea of a luxury car is one that has the white fur covered seats in it.
* You think the Internet is a new fishing tool.
* There's a pothole in the road and you swerve...to hit it!
* Your Truck has more neon on it than the window of your local bar.
* You argue to the government that the Budweiser plant should be one of the seven wonders of the world.
* Your kids can't go out for Halloween because there's nobody within walking distance to get candy from.
* You watch "The Dukes Of Hazzard" and have to find someone to explain it to you.
* Your mom kisses you goodnight and you go to school the next day and say you've met your future wife.
* When your wife walks in front of you it looks like two pigs fighting in a gunny sack.
* Your only excuse for smelling bad is it runs in the family.
* Your favorite fruit is chicken.
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Aug 30th, 2005 06:01 pm |
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Dave wrote: AHKMED THE ARAB
Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East and he was only
here a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor but none of them could help him.
Finally he went to an Arab doctor who said "Take dees bocket.
Den go into de odder room.
Den poop in de bocket.
Pee on de poop and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Ahkmed took the bocket and went into the odder room and pooped in the bucket.
He den peed on the poop and bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said: "You were homesick.
Right on!!!
They come over hear and bitch about how they are treated
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Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Aug 30th, 2005 04:56 pm |
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In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated
>the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and
>red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and
>healthy lives.
>
>Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
>and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
>And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add
>some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
>
>And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure
>that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the
>wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from
>size 6 to size 14.
>
>So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
>Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
>And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
>
>God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
>in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
>chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained
>more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
>
>God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"
>and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it
>"Devil's Food" and said "it's real good!"
>
>God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose
>those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man
>would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed
>and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
>
>Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
>with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
>starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
>
>God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
>still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent
>double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man
>replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And
>Man went into cardiac arrest.
>
>God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
>
>Then Satan created HMO's
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Aug 29th, 2005 06:29 pm |
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A successful Colorado rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew
very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to
hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than
the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew a lot
about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a
really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return..
Two o'clock, and no hired hand.
He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
Unbutton my blouse and take it off; she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
Now take off my boots; He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
Now take off my stockings
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
Now take off my skirt; He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in
the fire light.
Now take off my bra; Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and
dropped it to the floor.
Now; she said, take off my panties.
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Aug 29th, 2005 05:52 pm |
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| LOL....Then send em back home.....
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Aug 29th, 2005 05:44 pm |
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AHKMED THE ARAB
Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East and he was only
here a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor but none of them could help him.
Finally he went to an Arab doctor who said "Take dees bocket.
Den go into de odder room.
Den poop in de bocket.
Pee on de poop and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Ahkmed took the bocket and went into the odder room and pooped in the bucket.
He den peed on the poop and bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said: "You were homesick.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Aug 24th, 2005 04:41 pm |
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| ROTFLMAO....
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Aug 24th, 2005 10:32 am |
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Got it fron another board and thought I'd share...
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully from morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing the field with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot!.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He led his old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out kicking with both hind feet and caught her smack in the back of the head, killing her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
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Vero Steve
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Aug 23rd, 2005 05:00 pm |
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Immigration Test
How to pass an immigration test in the United States...
Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration.
The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there
is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the United States
of America.
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am
ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up,
and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a Verizon help
desk.
Yep for sure, I talked to him yesterday
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Aug 22nd, 2005 03:19 pm |
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Q: Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A: The nation.
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"You may think you have a stressful job, but since she's been a Senator, Hillary Clinton, they say, put on 30 pounds.
In fact, she has gotten so heavy that today Bill hit on her."
- David Letterman
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The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.
"What brings you before the great wizard of Oz?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."
"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Who is next?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."
"Done," says the Wizard."Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?"
Up stepped George Bush sadly and said, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I've heard it's true!" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,"What do you want?"
"Is Dorothy here?"
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Aug 21st, 2005 03:25 pm |
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| LOL....Good 1 Dave....
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Aug 21st, 2005 02:42 pm |
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Got this from another board, thought it was pretty good...
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle along for the company.
One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long she discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew! says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something mustbe up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:
"Where's that dang monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
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Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Aug 10th, 2005 06:15 pm |
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Dave wrote: A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."
She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.
He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "Oh no, Mary! Did you have a sex change operation?"
"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm taking a dump instead."
Dave......that is AWFUL! LOL Served the guy right tho...eh? heheheh
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Aug 10th, 2005 04:47 pm |
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Shower Like A Woman:
- Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
- Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
- Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
- Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
- Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
- Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
- Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
- Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
- Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
- Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
- Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
- Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
- Turn off shower.
- Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
- Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
- Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
- Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
- If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
How To shower Like A Man
- Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
- Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.
- Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
- Get in the shower.
- Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
- Wash your face
- Wash your armpits
- Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
- Wash your privates and surrounding area.
- Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
- Make a shampoo Mohawk.
- Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
- Pee (in the shower)
- Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
- Partial dry off.
- Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles.
- Admire wiener size.
- Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
- Leave bathroom fan and light on.
- Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
- Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Aug 10th, 2005 04:32 pm |
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1. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
2. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
3. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Aug 8th, 2005 02:48 pm |
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| Nice......LOL....
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Aug 8th, 2005 02:41 pm |
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A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."
She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.
He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "Oh no, Mary! Did you have a sex change operation?"
"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm taking a dump instead."
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weasle
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Aug 3rd, 2005 12:39 pm |
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| gulfer pulls into a gas station in a F 350 duley, attendant says fill er up . guy says yea , as he steps out of the truck two gulf tees fall from his pocket. attendant says whats that , golfer says tees they hold up my balls when i drive. attendant says those ford engeneers think of every thing.
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Aug 2nd, 2005 01:17 pm |
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I highlighted a few parts in the first one so that the blondes would know when to laugh...
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the blonde nun. "They're so hard to peel."
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The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar." Last edited on Wed Aug 3rd, 2005 10:31 am by Dave |
marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Aug 2nd, 2005 11:45 am |
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| Thanx Dave...It works....
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