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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed May 25th, 2005 04:23 pm |
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A pastor entered his donkey in a local race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and this time it won again. The following day,The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT!
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read. BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!
The bishop fainted. When came to, he informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to farmer for ten dollars.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE!!!!!!!! The bishop was buried the next day.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue May 24th, 2005 02:30 pm |
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It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food and beer
3. Hand over the remote.
Last edited on Tue May 24th, 2005 02:31 pm by marc |
marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri May 20th, 2005 06:18 pm |
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Q: Why won't a cannibal eat Kathy Lee Gifford?
A: Doesn't like artificial sweeteners.
Q: Why does a cannibal like women in a thong?
A: He can eat and floss at the same time.
Q: Why does a cannibal like Jennifer Lopez?
A: Rump Roast....He likes rump roast.
Q: What does a cannibal call Jehovah Witnesses?
A: Free Delivery.
Q: What does a cannibal call the picture of the athlete on a wheaties box?
A: A suggested serving.
Q: What does a cannibal call the women of temptation island?
A: Whore derves.
Q: What does a cannibal call a homeless man?
A: Hungry man dinner.
Q: What does a cannibal call a trainload of New Yorkers?
A: A subway sandwich.
Q: What does a cannibal call a circus tightrope walker?
A: A well-Balanced meal.
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit
Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian
ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined,
dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia
had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said
"As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our
traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of
this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your
head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a
warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both
men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers - click, click
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh
of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the
courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the
Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian
with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him
to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke
"Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So
saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of
which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful
members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a
blow-job - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he
couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said
"Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:
"One of them's a cannibal"
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Mon May 16th, 2005 03:49 pm |
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| Great conversation piece..... I have a heads/tails coin along those lines....
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Mon May 16th, 2005 02:36 pm |
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Here's the re-release of the Arkansas Quarter...
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat May 14th, 2005 03:24 pm |
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I read something like this somewhere and it makes sense...
If you piss of your wife, she yells at you...
If you REALLY piss her off, she STOPS talkin' to you...
Ain't it worth the extra effort? LOL
Well, that's it for today folks... Gonna go work on a car that goes fast and only turns left... Talk to ya'all tomorrow...
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat May 14th, 2005 03:00 pm |
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WOMEN
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh,rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
THE SILENT TREATMENT A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri May 13th, 2005 06:58 pm |
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Fri May 13th, 2005 06:49 pm |
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These are pretty good....LOL...
Meanings in men's answers to questions .EXE 190kb
A sea sickness test - for men and lesbians only .EXE 219kb
Last edited on Fri May 13th, 2005 06:54 pm by marc |
Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Fri May 13th, 2005 05:36 pm |
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Q: Did you hear about the blonde that gave a guy a blowjob while he was driving?
A: They both fell off the motorcycle.
Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A: They have to pull their own pants down.
Q: Why don't blondes like anal sex?
A: They don't like guys screwing with their brains.
------------------------------------------------------------
My wife (She's blonde) and I were playing Trivia for Dummies when she amazed me by answering correctly that there are seven rays on the crown of the Statue of Liberty.
"How in the world did you know that?" I asked.
Rolling her eyes, she answered, "Duuuhh...the seven original colonies!"
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An American and a Russian are talking about their governments.
"Ours is a free country," says the American. "Once, I was in Langley, VA, and couldn't find a public restroom, so I urinated near the CIA headquarters."
"Ours is a free country, too," says the Russian. "Once, I was on Lubyanka square in Moscow, and couldn't find a public restroom, so I took a shit near the KGB headquarters."
"And you got away with it?" asked the incredulous American.
"Of Course! Nobody saw it... I didn't even take my pants off."
Last edited on Fri May 13th, 2005 05:37 pm by Dave |
Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Fri May 13th, 2005 01:59 am |
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| ROTFL weasle!
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weasle
Supporter
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Posted: Thu May 12th, 2005 10:42 pm |
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| babe , some of the bars ive seen in my life time , limberger ,smell would be an improvement!!!
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Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Thu May 12th, 2005 09:53 pm |
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Actually we women carry it in our purses, in a lil ziplock baggie......then when yer at the bar....and that really freaky gross guy starts to hit on ya....you sneak it out of the purse....take a BIG bite.........and breath on him......then they usually go away pretty fast....LOL
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu May 12th, 2005 04:26 pm |
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Babe wrote:
zippo wrote: Babe wrote:
Here we go guys...this is a neat quiz.....really tells ya alot about yourself....and I promise nothing will jump out and scare the hell outta ya!
http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html
May you sleep with the limburger under your pillow!!!!!! Ya mean I aint sposed to sleep with it under da pillow? jeeze....lol
Maybe they use it for deodorant in Wisconsin?
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Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Thu May 12th, 2005 03:15 pm |
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Dave wrote: Great Speaker Commercial...
http://mypages.championbroadband.com/vip/~dmiller/Blaupunkt_Pimp_my_Ride.mpg Is that called the Bunny Hop? hehe
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Babe
Supporter
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Posted: Thu May 12th, 2005 03:12 pm |
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zippo wrote: Babe wrote:
Here we go guys...this is a neat quiz.....really tells ya alot about yourself....and I promise nothing will jump out and scare the hell outta ya!
http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html
May you sleep with the limburger under your pillow!!!!!! Ya mean I aint sposed to sleep with it under da pillow? jeeze....lol
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weasle
Supporter
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Posted: Thu May 12th, 2005 01:01 pm |
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| way cool . LMAO
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu May 12th, 2005 12:43 pm |
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| I always wondered why people had critters by the back window......Now I know....LOL...
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu May 12th, 2005 12:37 pm |
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Great Speaker Commercial...
http://mypages.championbroadband.com/vip/~dmiller/Blaupunkt_Pimp_my_Ride.mpg
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zippo
Supporter
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Posted: Wed May 11th, 2005 07:07 pm |
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Babe wrote:
Here we go guys...this is a neat quiz.....really tells ya alot about yourself....and I promise nothing will jump out and scare the hell outta ya!
http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html
May you sleep with the limburger under your pillow!!!!!!
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