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Abo
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Mar 9th, 2005 02:21 am |
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| Hey Man. Florida's Motto."GOD'S WAITING ROOM" Ride Free Abo
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Mar 9th, 2005 01:24 am |
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KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO
Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everything.
California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut
Like Massachusetts,
Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandchildren.
Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,
and Very Little Else.
Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada
Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey
You Want A F##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer F##$%##! Motto
Right here!
New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon
Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal
Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee
The Edyoocashun State
Texas
Se Hablo Ingles
Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont
Ay, Yep
Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington
We have more rain than you do
West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin
Come Cut The Cheese!
Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Mar 9th, 2005 12:04 am |
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The International Sign for Marriage
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Mar 8th, 2005 04:58 pm |
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"You're still a clumsy asshole Claude!"
"Sorry, the family is paying their last respects!"
Last edited on Tue Mar 8th, 2005 05:01 pm by marc |
Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Mar 8th, 2005 12:49 am |
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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "
"Good morning", said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. "
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Mar 1st, 2005 05:26 pm |
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A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle.
Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?"
"I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"
The biker came home and found his best bro and his ol' lady in bed.
"You bastard!" stormed the biker, grabbing his shotgun. "I'm gonna blow your balls off!"
"Shit, man, give me a sportin' chance," pleaded his ex-bro.
"All right," replied the biker, "swing 'em!"
An evangelistic preacher came to a small country town and stopped and asked a couple of bikers sitting on their bikes at the side of the road to direct him to the church where he was to deliver the hell-fire sermon that evening.
After the bikers had given him directions, the preacher said: "You should come along tonight. And bring your friends and I will tell you how to get to heaven."
"You gotta be shittin' me," said one biker. "You didn't even know how to get to the fucking church!"
Press Release: New American Motorcycle Unveiled
At a press conference late Monday, the CEO of Johnson Marine, makers of Johnson outboard marine engines and other recreational equipment, unveiled anew line of heavyweight cruiser style motorcycles designed to compete head to head with industry leader Harley-Davidson.
Peter Long, Johnson brands marketing manager said, "We have studied the market and determined that Harley, while highly successful, has narrowly missed the mark when targeting motorcycle buyers". Long added, "We, at Johnson, are convinced our product hits the target dead center and promises to draw sales away from Harley-Davidson in a way no other motorcycle has been able to accomplish".
The new line of bikes, marketed under the name 'Big Johnson Motorcycles', will, according to Long, deliver what Harley has only promised. "Our research show that this, a Big Johnson, is what Harley buyers are really after".
At the unveiling of the new line Monday, several current Harley owners agreed. "When I bought my Harley, what I really needed was a Big Johnson", said one Harley owner." But I see now that riding a Harley is no replacement for having a Big Johnson."
Manager Long also said that his company would follow the lead of Harley-Davidson and cash in on a huge market for non motorcycle related products. "We realize that not every guy can have a Big Johnson", said Long,"But image is very important to people. If they don't have a Big Johnson, they at least want to project the image of having one."
Another force driving sales for the company will come from women. A survey of the wives and girlfriends of nearly 1,000 potential motorcycle buyers indicates less than 5% would approve of their partner spending $15,000 on a Harley Davidson.
But, when asked if they would be willing to pay the same amount of money to get their partner a Big Johnson, nearly 4 out 5 thought that would be money well spent.
One female present at the product unveiling was quoted as saying, "There is no way I will let Lonnie drop 15 grand on another one of those Harleys, But 15 grand to get him a Big Johnson? Well, that something we could both enjoy and it's something he really needs."
Finer Points of Riding
Counter Steering:
If you push the left bar, the bike goes left.
If you push the right bar, the bike goes right.
That is, unless you keep pushing the right bar all the way, then you will probably go left while the bike swaps ends.
Crashing:
Remember riding isn't dangerous, it's the crash that really hurts.
Fuel:
The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
The Rear Wheel:
The rear wheel is just a big fan used to keep the rider cool and his butt relaxed. If in doubt... watch. When it locks up or slides out, you will probably start sweating and pucker marks will be left on the seat.
Too Slow:
No one has ever hit something too slow.
Rides:
A 'good' ride is one you can walk away from.
A 'great' ride is one you can walk away from and use the bike again.
Getting Hit:
Just in case you're incredibly stupid, it hurts. Try not to get hit.
Mistakes:
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
Traction:
When traction is sparse, the probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of lean. Large angle of lean, small probability of survival and vice versa.
Your Brain:
Never let a motorcycle take you somewhere your brain didn't go five seconds earlier.
Fog:
Stay out of fog. The single red taillight you think is another rider ahead that you can catch, might be the red starboard light of a docked boat.
Parking:
Always try to keep the number of times you park the bike equal to the number of times you've ridden it. Don't forget to put the kickstand down either.
Luck & Experience:
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck
Mirrors:
If all you can see in your mirrors is with sparks, and all you can hear is screaming from the p-pad; things are not at all as they should be.
Other Objects:
In the ongoing battle between objects made of metal, rubber and plastic going dozens of miles per hour, and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. Same holds for cars, trucks, walls and most animals. Draws don't count.
Judgment:
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.
Going Forward:
It's always a good idea to keep the headlight end going forward as much as possible.
Looking:
Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed, usually a moron in a car.
Laws:
Remember, gravity and centrifugal force are not just good ideas. They're laws of nature and not subject to repeal.
You Know You're a Biker When...
You ever bought saddlebags so you can carry more beer.
Your girl follows you to the party with the car so you can take more beer.
Your best friends are named after animals.
Your best shoes have steel toes.
You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher.
Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbwire.
You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste of them.
You're only sunburned on the back of your hands.
You carry around a crushed beer can in the case of soft tar when you park the bike.
You pull your bike into the motel room and use a bath towel to wipe it off.
Your girl friend has to climb over the bike to do the laundry in the basement.
You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet.
Any day you ride is a good day.
Your other vehicle is a truck with motorcycle ramps in it.
You get hit by a Taxi in N.Y.C., slide 80 yards and ride the bike home 30 miles with a fractured hip.
You've been too drunk to Piss but not to drunk to ride your bike home.
Your three piece suit are Chaps, Leather Vests & a Leather Jacket.
You don't think its a good party till someone rides his or her bike in and does doughnuts in the living room.
You think Tequila is a Sex Aide.
You wake up next to your girl and your first thought is if your bike will start.
Your kids learn to ride on the back of your bike before they can walk.
Your garage has more square footage than your house.
Your coffee table collapses from the weight of motorcycle magazines on it.
You throw a party and more bikes show up than cars.
Your kids take a motorcycle chain to Show and Tell .
All your ashtrays are pistons from your last engine rebuild.
Last edited on Tue Mar 1st, 2005 05:34 pm by marc |
marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Mar 1st, 2005 12:00 pm |
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| Great....LOL....Love the last 1.
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Mikey
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Mar 1st, 2005 01:31 am |
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SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - COLD As Ever." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: "Here Lies My Husband - STIFF At Last."
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Mikey
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Feb 25th, 2005 09:23 pm |
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Randy in Pensacola wrote: Mikey wrote:
I want one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is some more for ya...
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Mikey
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Feb 25th, 2005 09:20 pm |
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Tax dollars hard at work...
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Feb 23rd, 2005 08:48 am |
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Randy in Pensacola wrote: Mikey wrote:
I want one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me too!!! Can we get a volume discount?
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Vero Steve
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Feb 23rd, 2005 03:14 am |
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| I want the South Florida franchise.......I could retire a rich man........LOL
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Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 840 |
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Posted: Tue Feb 22nd, 2005 10:56 pm |
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Mikey wrote:
I want one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Mikey
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Feb 22nd, 2005 10:08 pm |
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Feb 19th, 2005 11:58 am |
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THINGS TO DO IN OFFICE MEETINGS
1) Take notes in finger paint.
2) At sensitive moments, blow your nose raucously. Apologize for your sinus condition.
3) Laugh uproariously at a quip that was made 2 or 3 minutes ago. Say, "Oh, now I get it!"
4) Wear a disposable paper face mask. Tell the group: "Hey, you don't want to catch what I've got!"
5) Check your watch very regularly, every 30 seconds or so.
6) Make a face like somebody beside you farted.
7) Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the real reason this meeting has been called.
8) Slowly slump in your seat. When you are about to fall off the chair, suddenly straighten up. Apologize profusely.
9) Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
10) Bring a noisy electric pencil sharpener. Sharpen your pencil every few minutes.
11) Complain loudly that your neighbor won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
12) Have someone deliver a large cardboard box to you in the conference room. Apologize while you sign for it. About half an hour later, have a different person deliver another one.
13) Remove your shoes and socks. Lay your socks on the table, turn each one inside out, and inspect them carefully. If anyone says anything, tell them "doctor's orders."
14) Roll your eyes at almost everything the boss says. If addressed directly, adopt a cowering posture and stammer pitifully as you reply. Ask that he or she "not hurt you anymore."
15) During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.
16) Bring a huge jar of Vaseline to the meeting. Display it prominently.
17) Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
18) Every so often, duck under the table. Stare in horror. Pop back up and look real scared.
19) Rubberneck at the notes of the person next to you. Copy them word for word. Subvocalize as you do. Tell them that they "understand these things better than you do."
20) Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
21) Take your temperature every so often with a candy thermometer.
22) Distribute free condoms before or after the meeting.
23) Make all the stereotyped facial expressions to indicate that you are a psychiatrist administering psychoanalysis to the speaker. Take notes furiously.
24) Bring a pitcher of non-alcoholic beer to the meeting. As the meeting progresses, start slurring your speech. Belch loudly. Tell your co-workers you can't help it. Start crying.
25) Have a timer that buzzes at intervals. When it goes off, take a pill from a pill case and gulp it down. If anyone asks, tell them it's to "prevent the seizures."
26) Lapse into a staring coma. Drool. Have a confederate wipe the spit from your lips, and say "It's pitiful. But what can you do?"
27) At opportune times, stick an inhaler in your ear. Inhale deeply.
28) Ask your neighbor, nearer the speaker, to trade places with you "so you can hear better." Gradually work your way up to the speaker. When you are as close as possible, stare up at them adoringly. After a while, change your expression to a frown, sigh heartbreakingly, and begin to stare into space.
29) Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
30) Wear shades and carry a walkie-talkie with an earphone. Once in a while, quietly say a few words into it.
31) Bring a doughnut cushion and use it. If anybody asks, say that your hemorrhoids are really acting up this week. Offer to share it if they really need it. Be embarrassingly persistent in your offer. Offer to show them how bad they are.
32) Wear brightly-colored earmuffs. Explain that "my ears tend to get real cold at these meetings." Ask the speaker to please talk a little louder.
33) Stand up and start doing the Macarena. Forcibly wrestle yourself back into your chair. Look real embarrassed. Tell everybody "My doctor's appointment is tomorrow."
34) Bring a large box of Depends to the meeting. Stow them under the conference table. Explain to a neighbor: "Just in case."
35) Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"
36) Bring a few telephone books. Add a few to sit on, adjusting your seat height until the top of your head is exactly one-half inch higher than the speaker's. Explain that you sometimes have trouble seeing the presentation.
37) Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.
38) Play a game of jacks on the conference table. Explain that it helps you concentrate.
39) When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 17th, 2005 07:23 pm |
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A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once the parrot understood the tricks, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or, "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days... and then 3 days. Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold it back any longer and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the f***ing ship?"
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weasle
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 17th, 2005 06:46 pm |
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| guess the english gave it back to china a few ys back. interesting place.
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 17th, 2005 06:40 pm |
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Nope, never been in there. I was a civilian when I was in Hong Kong...
Saw some not-so-attractive natives in some of the bars though...
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weasle
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 17th, 2005 06:21 pm |
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| dave saw a englishman in the china fleet club almost that fugly, you ever hit that place ? [ english em club]
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 17th, 2005 05:54 pm |
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| I've never seen anything close to being that ugly in Hong Kong...
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