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weasle
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 17th, 2005 05:45 pm |
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Vero Steve wrote: weasle wrote: looks kinda like a englishman in drag. waaahaaaa.
So Weasle.......where were you stationed in the Navy?...........LMAO
yea ,was in hong kong a couple of times never saw a english wave that fugly LMAO
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 17th, 2005 01:52 pm |
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A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math, and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "Chief, you're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby".
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A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife "sleepily" sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.
"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 17th, 2005 01:24 pm |
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marc wrote:
Yup....
Originally a man, right?
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Vero Steve
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 17th, 2005 01:10 pm |
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weasle wrote: looks kinda like a englishman in drag. waaahaaaa.
So Weasle.......where were you stationed in the Navy?...........LMAO
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 17th, 2005 12:56 pm |
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| Yup....
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 17th, 2005 12:25 pm |
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marc wrote:
LOL...Yeah, that Camilla is 1 nasty lookin woman.
Camilla is a woman?
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weasle
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 17th, 2005 12:16 pm |
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| looks kinda like a englishman in drag. waaahaaaa.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Thu Feb 17th, 2005 11:57 am |
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| LOL...Yeah, that Camilla is 1 nasty lookin woman.
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Feb 16th, 2005 10:04 pm |
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Prince Charles is driving his Land Rover to Sandringham to see his mum. He enters the gate and waves at the guard, just as he pulls onto the driveway he feels a *bump* and a high-pitched howling noise. He quickly stops the car and gets out, to his horror he sees one of his mums Corgis badly crushed under the wheel of the car.
The poor dog is already dead and Prince Charles does not know what to do. His mum will be heart broken and she will be very upset with him.
Just then there was a bright flash and *pooof* a beautiful fairy appeared floating in front of him.
"Who are you?" Asked Prince Charles
"I'm your fairy godmother" she replied in a soft voice "I sensed you were in need and am here to grant you any wish you desire".
"Any wish I desire" repeated Prince Charles "What luck! Well as you can see I just ran over one of mums dogs and she will be most upset. So please, can you bring the doggy back to life?"
The fairy godmother took out her magic wand and walked over to the squashed Corgi and after looking at it for a while she said "It is very errrr, squashed and I'm afraid my fairy magic has its limits you know. Isn't there anything else you desire, another wish I could grant you?"
Prince Charles scratched his head and thought about it for awhile. "Ah ha," he said, "I know what I would like to wish for. Please can you make Camilla as beautiful as Diana was?"
The fairy godmother had a stunned look on her face, she paused for a second, and said, "Well, perhaps I could have another try at the dog."
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Vero Steve
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Feb 16th, 2005 09:00 pm |
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| LMAO
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Feb 16th, 2005 07:31 pm |
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| ROTFLMAO.....Love it.....Great.....
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Feb 16th, 2005 06:31 pm |
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A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...
First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor this sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."
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Randy in Pensacola
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Nov 3rd, 2004 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 840 |
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Posted: Sun Feb 13th, 2005 06:14 pm |
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Two bikers are on death row, and the warden asks them if they have any last minute requests. Big Al says,’ Can I just hear Achy Breaky Heart one more time?” The warden grants the request, and turns to Badass Bob, and asks him if he has any last request. “Yea” replies Bob,” Kill me first!”
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Feb 12th, 2005 02:18 pm |
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Fri Feb 11th, 2005 12:04 pm |
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The gentleman walked briskly into the drug store, strode over to the pharmacist and said, "I would like a box of Sex-Lax."
The pharmacist smiled and replied, "You must mean Ex-Lax."
"No," the man responded, "I don't have any trouble going."
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A fellow was walking up to a Doctors office and met another man coming out. Just before they meet the fellow coming out fell face forward dead. The first fellow went in and told the recepionist that a man had just fallen dead outside the office. The receptionist asked him "which way was he going?
The man replied "he was leaving the office."
The receptionist said, "Well, do me a favor, will you, and go back out and turn him around."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Feb 8th, 2005 04:35 pm |
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A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly,
"Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says,
"Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns,bends over, and farts.......
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as he checked into the resort hotel. The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room, lookin' great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast. He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the order.
The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their room. This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, "Honey, I can't figure it out. The old geezer looks like a million and you look like two cents. What's wrong?"
"That guy double-crossed me," the bride said. "He told me he'd saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was talking about money!"
An old lady felt something small moving around her vagina and went to the doctor for a diagnosis. "Crabs," he told her.
"That's impossible! I am 83 years old and a virgin. No man has ever even touched me, I can't have crabs! I am getting another opinion."
And she did. Unfortunately, the second doctor had the same diagnosis.
"That's impossible! I am 83 years old and a virgin. No man has ever even touched me, I can't have crabs! I am getting another opinion."
This time she went to a specialist. His verdict was different.
"I have some good news and some bad news, which do you want first?" he asked her.
"The good news is you don't have crabs."
"Well, that's great! What's the bad news?" she asked.
"The bad news is: your cherry has rotted, and you have fruit flies."
A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
"Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says,
"That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," she processed his application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Look at him. He's scared to death to cough."
Last edited on Tue Feb 8th, 2005 04:51 pm by marc |
marc
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Feb 8th, 2005 12:09 am |
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| Got to watch those vending machines...LOL...
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Feb 7th, 2005 10:10 pm |
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A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted 50 cents, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, 25 Cents.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, pulled them out and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his dinger into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his dinger...now with a button sewed on the end of it...
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An elderly man was having what he felt to be poor health for a few weeks, and so finally went to his doctor.His doctor asked him to come back in a week for tests, and so the man did.A week after the tests, the doctor called the man to inform him his test results were in, and asked him to come to his office to discuss the results.
"I've got some bad news," said the doctor when the man arrived, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have Alzheimer's and cancer."
The man sat stunned for a moment, and then replied, "Well, thank goodness I don't have cancer".
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Feb 7th, 2005 04:59 pm |
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"Did you see a little boy dressed like an Indian?"
How to keep the kids quiet
Last edited on Mon Feb 7th, 2005 07:26 pm by marc |
Vero Steve
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Feb 6th, 2005 08:22 pm |
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Take an old set of Drag pipes, WD 40 and golf balls....Weld the manifold side closed on the pipe, drill a hole for a BBQ grille ignitor, spray a bunch of WD 40 down the pipe and load it with a golf ball.ten hit the ignitor botton .........Man those things will sail a long way........
WE made a larger version that shoots grapefruits, but golfballs go further.........LOL
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