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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Dec 5th, 2007 07:53 pm |
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marc wrote: So you can floss your teeth at the snack I mean snatch bar... LOL!!! its still a mystery to me..
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Dec 5th, 2007 07:30 pm |
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| So you can floss your teeth at the snack I mean snatch bar...
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jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Dec 5th, 2007 07:25 pm |
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marc wrote: http://home.att.net/~hideaway_today/t056/house.htm Gotta luv the animation and music.... Oh question? Why do women have pubic hair anyway?
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Dec 5th, 2007 07:07 pm |
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| http://home.att.net/~hideaway_today/t056/house.htm
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marc
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Posted: Wed Dec 5th, 2007 12:07 pm |
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"DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS"
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No boobs
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1346 |
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Posted: Tue Dec 4th, 2007 12:18 pm |
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A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
"You bastard!" yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.
"You're also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer," says
the judge.
"Bastard!" the same person yells.
The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom."Sir,
one more outburst and I'll charge you with contempt."
"I'm sorry, Your Honor," says the man. "But I've been this bastard's neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Dec 3rd, 2007 10:10 am |
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marc wrote:Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Correction...
Number 8 (for women)
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a sandwich, Give him a blowjob...
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Dec 2nd, 2007 11:44 pm |
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Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2008
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2008 :
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration?
" Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers…
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow "
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marc
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Posted: Sun Dec 2nd, 2007 09:24 pm |
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Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar at 9:58 PM . He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money......
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall for the very first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw. but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the old lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
Last edited on Sun Dec 2nd, 2007 09:27 pm by marc |
jeffy ole boy
Supporter
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Posted: Sun Dec 2nd, 2007 04:39 pm |
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Subject: just Fred
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
So he asks the biker his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him "I used to have a last name but lost it."
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."
"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used
to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good
grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went
through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got
my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my
degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored! Being a demist, so I started fooling around with my dental assistant and she gave me VD.
So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
Before long the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD,
so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
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the preacher
Supporter
| Joined: | Wed Oct 17th, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 96 |
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Posted: Sun Dec 2nd, 2007 11:11 am |
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NEVER CHOKE IN A SOUTHERN RESTAURANT
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their
cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to
their junkyard business.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,
begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that
she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her
dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt
cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she
has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back
to the bar. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there
'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it before
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Sat Dec 1st, 2007 03:32 pm |
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"The Lawer and the Hooker"
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified,
well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand
dollars
and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to
see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two
nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The
price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was
astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid
Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever
been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, " South Carolina ."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina "
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's
attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain 1.
Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer.
Four worms and a lesson"
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Last edited on Sat Dec 1st, 2007 03:37 pm by marc |
empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1346 |
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Posted: Fri Nov 30th, 2007 01:44 pm |
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I don't know if I've posted this on here before, but;
Comments overheard during colonoscopies
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12 "God, now I know why I am not gay."
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Wed Nov 28th, 2007 02:11 pm |
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This Year's First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
And So The Christmas Season Begins
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1346 |
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Posted: Wed Nov 28th, 2007 01:04 pm |
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There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, "What do you do for a living?" He said, "Well, I used to be a window washer." I asked, "When did you give it up?" He replied, "About halfway down."
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Tue Nov 27th, 2007 03:54 pm |
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empty wrote:
An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." (Which means "Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.") The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English." The Amish man says: "Use two hands. You'll get more." LMAO!
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empty
Supporter
| Joined: | Tue Jun 28th, 2005 |
| Location: | Plano, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 1346 |
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Posted: Tue Nov 27th, 2007 03:23 pm |
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| An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." (Which means "Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.") The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English." The Amish man says: "Use two hands. You'll get more."
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Nov 26th, 2007 07:01 pm |
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Dave wrote: What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A salad shooter. LOL...Nice visual...
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Dave
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Nov 26th, 2007 05:54 pm |
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What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A salad shooter.
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marc
Supporter
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Posted: Mon Nov 26th, 2007 02:09 pm |
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"Yuppy Poem"
you are a yuppy Biker,
you came upon the scene,
just to keep the prices up,
on Harleys new machine.
You bought it brand new,
then lavished it with chrome,
splashes on some flashy paint,
and now regard this creation,
entirely your own!
You polish it by day,
talk about it by night,
the only time you ride it,
it's when the sun is bright.
After all what's the paint,
If you can't be seen?
When owning one of these shiny new,
Harley D.Machines!
You trailer it to here,
you haul it over there,
if it weren't for your pick up truck,
it would never go nowhere!
You hang out at the dealership,
and act like the rest,
but you stand out like a sore thumb,
in your designer chaps and vest!
Harley T-Shirt n leather jacket,
your really think your cool,
but that's not what the little girl say,
when you're cruising around there school.
It always seem to amuse me,
how after just one beer,
you manage to find your bike,
but can't find your way out of first gear!
I've seen the way you ride..
man its sure to be a sin,
bearing resemblance to the way you walk,
it's sure make most woman grin.
Then as fate would have it,
the answer to your dreams,
a firm young biker bitch,
the trophy of your scheme.
She's waiting beside you at the light,
on a low slung FXR,
yet the way she left you in the dust,
now we both wished you kept your car.
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