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 Posted: Thu Nov 9th, 2017 02:33 am
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marc
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SENIOR MOMENT

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football
game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next
to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand
his generation.

'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,'
the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The
young people of today   are much more advanced than people your age.

We grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man   walking on
the moon   and the internet. We have cell phones,  nuclear energy ,
electric and   hydrogen cars , computers, automated manufacturing,
amazing technologies, ...and,' pausing to take another drink of beer.

The  senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and
said, 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were
young... so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what
are  YOU doing for the next generation ?'

The applause was resounding...

I love senior citizens

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 Posted: Sat Jan 7th, 2017 12:39 am
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marc
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Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1.

'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father.

"Important thing is we're all together today."

Son No. 2 arrived.

"You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father.

"We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived.

"Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.

"You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.

Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep", said the father, "Cheap ones too..."

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 Posted: Fri Jan 6th, 2017 10:47 pm
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jeffy ole boy
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Not a dumb farmer there, Lol!

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 Posted: Fri Jan 6th, 2017 01:16 am
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marc
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Big city lawyerl and the farmer...

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Three Kick Rule?”

The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end sent him..........face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay. Now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”

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 Posted: Wed Dec 16th, 2015 12:27 am
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jeffy ole boy
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85-year-old Biker Bob was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. ’

The next day Bob reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained, 'Well you see, doc, it’s like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Sally, the Gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’ The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

Bob replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open.’

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 Posted: Sun Oct 25th, 2015 09:01 pm
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marc
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LOL...Good one...

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 Posted: Sun Oct 25th, 2015 08:32 pm
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jeffy ole boy
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A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He politely asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, rig


The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"


All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

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 Posted: Wed Oct 14th, 2015 02:14 pm
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marc
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The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: Excuse me, I need to pee.

The teacher responded: 'That would be quite impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?

Johnny said: I would say "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."



The teacher fainted

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 Posted: Sun Sep 13th, 2015 01:38 am
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jeffy ole boy
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marc wrote:
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"


Dumb ass girl, lol!

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 Posted: Sat Sep 12th, 2015 09:48 pm
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marc
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A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

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 Posted: Wed Jul 22nd, 2015 02:32 am
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jeffy ole boy
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weasle1 wrote:
dont want to be political, but millions of lower income people have benefited from obama care. 2 sides to every story.:?

True.. Good for them.

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 Posted: Tue Jul 21st, 2015 08:46 pm
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weasle1
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dont want to be political, but millions of lower income people have benefited from obama care. 2 sides to every story.:?

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 Posted: Tue Jul 21st, 2015 01:31 am
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jeffy ole boy
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Just like Obama Care, LOL!!

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 Posted: Sat Jul 18th, 2015 08:45 pm
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marc
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The Plumber At Obama's House

Only weeks after leaving office on January 20, 2017, former President Barack Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Troy the Plumber to come out and fix it.


Troy drives to President Obama's new house, which is located in a very exclusive, gated community near Chicago where all the residents have a net income of way more than $250,000 per year.

Troy arrives and takes his tools into the house. He is led to the guest bathroom that contains the leaky pipe under the sink. Troy assesses the problem and tells President Obama that it's an easy repair that will take less than 10 minutes. President Obama asks Troy how much it will cost. Troy checks his rate chart and says, "$9,500."

"What?! $9,500?!" Obama asks, stunned, "But you said it's an easy repair. Michelle will whip me if I pay a plumber that much!"

Troy says, "Yes, but what I do is charge those who make more than $250,000 per year a much higher amount so I can fix the plumbing of poorer people for free. This has always been my philosophy. As a matter of fact, I lobbied the Democrat Congress, who passed this philosophy into law. Now all plumbers must do business this way. It's known as the 'Affordable Plumbing Act of 2014'. I'm surprised you haven't heard of it."

In spite of that, Obama tells Troy there's no way he's paying that much for a small plumbing repair, so Troy leaves. Obama spends the next hour flipping through the phone book calling for another plumber, but he finds that all other plumbing businesses in the area have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Troy 's price, Obama does nothing and the leak goes un-repaired for several more days. A week later the leak is so bad President Obama has had to put a bucket under the sink. Michelle is not happy as she has Oprah and guests arriving the next morning. The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour, and there's a risk the room will flood, so Obama calls Troy and pleads with him to return.

Troy goes back to President Obama's house, looks at the leaky pipe, checks his new rate chart and says, "Let's see, this will now cost you $21,000."

President Obama quickly fires back, "What? A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!"

Troy explains, "Well, because of the 'Affordable Plumbing Act,' a lot of wealthier people are learning how to maintain and take care of their own plumbing, so there are fewer payers in the plumbing exchanges. As a result, the price I have to charge wealthy people like you keeps rising. Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work by those who get it for free has skyrocketed! There's a long waiting list of those who need repairs, but the amount we get doesn't cover our costs, especially paperwork and record-keeping. This unfortunately has put a lot of my fellow plumbers out of business, they're not being replaced, and nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they can't make any money at it. I'm hurting too, all thanks to greedy rich people like you who won't pay their 'fair share'. On the other hand, why didn't you buy plumbing insurance last December? If you had bought plumbing insurance available under the 'Affordable Plumbing Act,' all this would have been covered by your policy."

"You mean I wouldn't have to pay anything to have you fix my plumbing problem?" asks Obama.

"Well, not exactly," replies Troy . "You would have had to buy the insurance before the deadline, which has passed now. And, because you're rich, you would have had to pay $34,000 in premiums, which would have given you a 'silver' plan, and then, since this would have been your first repair, you would have to pay up to the $21,000 deductible, and anything over that would have a $7,500 co-pay, and then there's the mandatory maintenance program, which is covered up to 17.5%, so there are some costs involved. Nothing is for free."

"WHAT?!" exclaims Obama. "Why so much for a puny sink leak?!"

With a bland look, Troy replies, "Well, paperwork, mostly, like I said. And the internal cost of the program itself. You don't think a program of this complexity and scope can run itself, do you? Besides, there are millions of folks with lower incomes than you, even many in the 'middle class', who qualify for subsidies that people like you must support. That's why they call it the 'Affordable Plumbing Act'! Only people who don't make much money can afford it. If you want affordable plumbing, you'll have to give away most of what you have accumulated and cut your and Michelle's income by about 90%. Then you can qualify to GET your 'Fair Share' instead of GIVING it."

"But who would pass a crazy act like the 'Affordable Plumbing Act'?!" exclaims the exasperated Obama.

After a sigh, Troy replies, "Congress, because they didn't read it."

This will help you understand Obamacare.
Now let’s all go out and vote for Hillary.

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 Posted: Thu Apr 2nd, 2015 01:24 am
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marc
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Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads
for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks ...

"Honey, I've been thinking ... now that we are married, I think it's
time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe
you should sell your guns, boat, and airplane.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't."

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